MyFriendCleveland

What Else do you Want?

Anti-smoking groups have already conquered Ohio. The smoke-free workplace, restaurant, and bar are all in place, while the rate of teenage cigarette use has dropped. So what else could they possibly want? Well, now they want to tax other tobacco products, such as chewing tobacco and, ahem, “small cigars” with the same rate as cigarettes, which is 55%. It seems the use of these products has not dropped amongst teens at all; showing that packing lippers and rolling a doobie is still quite in style. So yeah, raise those taxes! Make teens turn to a cheaper outlet, like drugs.

Which Way Does Cleveland Swing?

The Free Times reports (just below a piece about education cuts which are part of that masterful Keno plan) that 16 Cuyahoga County Democratic groups met in Lakewood last Thursday to get some idea of how Democrats in the area would vote come the primary. Kucinich, and most of his opponents, were also in attendance to chat up their fellow Dems. Sorry, no interesting Dennis anecdotes today. At the end of the night the results were tallied and here is what it looked like… one vote for Mike Gravel, one vote for Joe Biden, two votes for Dennis Kucinich (this marked his largest take of the season), 7 votes for John Edwards, 34 votes for Hillary Clinton, and 73 votes for Barack Obama. Maybe we won’t need a recount after all.

Where’s the Money?

Back in December we informed you of a legal battle between a homeowner and contractor/friend who discovered Depression-era cash in the walls of a bathroom he was remodeling. The money was valued at $180,000 and the contractor was not willing to merely take a 10% finder’s fee leading to an ongoing legal battle. Now, there are a couple new problems. First off is the fact that the homeowner, Amanda Reece, says that she’s somehow gotten rid of 90% of the money. Second, descendants of the home’s original owner are now claiming that the money belongs to them, because it once belonged to their relative. Let’s just say money isn’t the only thing coming out of the woodwork here! I feel like I should be sweating on some tiny stage while wearing an ugly tuxedo and having vegetables thrown at me. Still, it’s a better position to be in than these people.

Who’s a Perv?

A health club manager in Solon is being charged with voyeurism after placing a camera in the ceiling of a tanning room. A woman noticed the camera after she had finished tanning and then went to the manager to inform him. Dude asked the woman to fill out a report while he hauled ass back to the room, removed the camera, and then returned and asked the woman if she was really sure she saw something. Luckily, after noticing the camera was gone, the woman did not give herself the old “I must be losing it!” speech and instead, called the police. Perv.

I’ll Take a Bud and a Keno Card

Hey, remember when people wanting gambling in Ohio? Gov. Ted Strickland made sure he put his foot down on that, keeping games like the deadly, prostitution-causing Tic Tac Fruit out of our watering holes. Well, now there’s a problem. Ohio is hard up for money, cuts have already been made to the Department of Education, and other state funded programs like The Department of Agriculture are stepping in to help by… turning down all the their thermostats. Because of this lack of funds Strickland has proposed a new plan, one that allows lottery-style games, not games of chance. Strickland wants to put Club Keno games into bars hoping to raise $73 million a year in the process. Of course Ohio Skill Games, the company behind Tic Tac Fruit, is pissed, seeing Strickland’s move as a hypocritical one that is throwing around the term “lottery” simply to cover up the fact that only the government will be benefiting from this style of gambling, not private citizens. Still most people are overlooking a serious issue here. How are going to feel slamming back some shots while a 75-year-old woman is trying to get her Keno on next to you? Unless you’re into that, you sick asshole.

Voting, Voting, Voting… Voting

Let’s dish this out real quick like. The voting machines currently set to be used in Cuyahoga Country, as well as many other parts of the state, have problems. Memory cards erase votes, systems are confusing, blah blah blah. Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner stepped in last month to order the state to get new machines. Yesterday, The Cuyahoga County Commissioners voted to spend $1.4 million on renting new optical scan machines. Only one of three commissioners voted against the decision stating that, “the system we’re prepared to adopt was just decertified in the state of Colorado because of security problems.” Basically we’re all screwed. Put on a happy face and keep it through the recounts.

Rock Hall’s Got Something Good, Hopefully

February is Black History Month, a month The Rock Hall dedicates to black music. This year the focus will be on famed Memphis label Stax records. For those of you not familiar with Stax, I’m going to say Otis Redding and leave it at that. The Rock Hall will be sponsoring a number of events to celebrate Stax, so check it out.

I Did Not Have Unkind Words for that Man

Bill Clinton arrived in C-town yesterday (meanwhile other candidates are starting to drop) and started the party by hitting up Tri-C’s eastern campus in Highland Hills. Ok, so maybe that is not the way I would start a party, but at least he didn’t go looking for dinner in The Flats based on Halle Berry’s recommendation. While at Tri-C Bill dropped a 50-minute speech that included no attacks on, ahem, other candidates. As The Plain Dealer reports, it seems Hillary’s people are keeping Bill in check after his comments over the weekend about Barack Obama, which insinuated that Obama winning South Carolina was no big thang because Jesse Jackson had done the same in 1984 and 1988. And while Bill could be trying to point out that winning South Carolina is no big deal because you could end up like Jesse Jackson – a man who never became president and whose fake speeches on SNL are watched more than his real ones now - he also just seems a tad bitter about Obama’s clear victory of the state. If you’re interested in what Bill did have to say, read on.

You Must be Pretty Unpopular if You Can’t Buy an Election

It has recently come to light to Lakewood’s incumbent mayor, Tom George, received $119,000 from Democratic fat-pockets donor David Maltz towards the close of the election. Despite this huge sum (other local mayoral candidates spent anywhere from $10,000 to $50,000 on their campaigns total) George still lost the election. Now the issue is whether municipal election contributions need to be kept in check the way state and federal elections are, or whether dudes who like to throw around their money – with no shady intentions – should be allowed to aid candidates. Maybe George could have won the election if, instead of using the money on campaign commercials, he would have taken out $100,000 in one dollar bills and made it rain on Lakewood. I should get into campaign managing.

French Still Pissed About Freedom Fries

A French news agency sent a New York-based reporter to the Cleveland area to report on the subprime lending crisis. The recently published article that resulted from the trip described a ghost town with empty streets and trash blowing. And, yeah, there are areas of Cleveland that look like this now, but dude said he was in Shaker Heights. After complaints were raised by residents of the area, it was learned that the reporter had actually visited Mount Pleasant. Now Shaker Heights mayor Earl Leiken is trying to play the tough guy by saying that the removal of the first article and replacement with a new corrected one is not enough to make up for the insult. Instead he says that he may ask for a retraction that goes on to describe how wonderful Shaker Heights actually is. Like the French give a shit.

Meet the Man Who’s Whacking Your Children

Twenty-nine states now ban corporal punishment in schools, but Ohio is not one of them. Because of this we get areas like the Mogadore school district. Besides sounding like it some kind of creature from Lord of the Rings, Mogadore offers students the choice between getting a whack from a paddle or serving a 30 minute detention when they do horrible, horrible things like say, talking or being late to class. Not to worry though the principal in charge understands what’s going on, I mean he dishes out the pain himself, in his office, alone, and says things like, “It’s not difficult. I’ve been doing it for 30 years, so it’s old school for me.” Well, I feel a whole lot better now.

Work Time-Killers

Holy shit! Everyone is freaking out over potholes! Read the article add more to the list! Complain about having to pay attention to the road! Holy shit! Everyone is freaking out over the wind! Read about power outages!

Now that you’re all riled up, I’d like to take it down a notch. So why don’t slip into something more comfortable and read this article about marijuana vending machines. No, it doesn’t have to do with Cleveland, but I’m sure by now you’ve already clicked.

You Break 500 and Suddenly You Can Up Ticket Prices

The Browns announced today that ticket prices for the 2008 season will increase. What’s impressive is that this is the first time prices have been raised since 2005, what’s not impressive is the organization citing labor costs and other league economics instead of cashing in on a pretty damn good season as reasons behind the hike. Still, tickets will now on average cost about $66, which is a hell of a lot cheaper than say New England’s average of $121. Those high prices are of course a result of every ticket holder receiving free headshots of Tom Brady at each game. I wonder if the price of beer went up.

I Thought Kucinich Had This Shit Locked Up!?

Let’s just say I’m tired of writing about Dennis Kucinich. With him in the news so often now, it’s getting harder to come up with jokes. So just go watch this video of him dropping out of the presidentail race. Vegan! Short! UFOs! Slave Songs! Go!

Police Love Leaving Crack Houses “Known” and Open

A Canton woman left her 6-week-old granddaughter in a car out in the cold while she entered a known crack house. Police were alerted to the situation by the child’s mother and arrested the grandmother for child endangering and resisting arrest. Now here’s a question. If this crack house is “known” why is still in operation? Couldn’t someone argue entrapment? Why would police leave a crack house open? Is arresting multiple drug users that much more important than shutting down the source of the drugs? The report also states that there were no drugs found at the scene. Did the cops try going in the house? I guess that would have been a hassle. Grandma’s a bigger threat anyway.

What’s Better, Burning or Green?

Twenty miles of the mighty Cuyahoga turned green Wednesday, and I am not making reference to some Today Show sponsored event for environmental awareness; shit was literally the color of grass. EPA tests claim that the green water is non-toxic and merely a result of tracing dye used for testing drains and sewers. There has also been no word yet as to whether the green water will turn your pet turtles into a teenaged ninjas that love pizza, but hey I guess that would be hard anyway unless you had a rat to train them. I really out did myself this time.

FINALLY

There is a review of Foxy Shazam’s new album over in the ol’ reviews section. So read it!

And the Winner Is…

The Academy Award Nominations dropped and BAM! we’ve got two Clevelanders riding the success train. Hal Holbrook was nominated for his supporting role in “Into the Wild,” while Ruby Dee was nominated for her supporting role in “American Gangster.” Hopefully they know more about Cleveland than Halle Berry. Shops and restaurants in the Flats!? Shit.

That’s Gay

A UCLA study based off of information from a “Census Snapshot” shows that 12,000 children in Ohio are being raised by same sex couples. The reaction to these reports is as to be expected. A researcher behind the study hopes that the fact that same sex couples make less money than married couples will help push legislature through that will allow for gay marriages, and in turn, same-sex couples to share benefits with each other and their children. On the other side of the coin David Miller, who is VP over at Gay-Bashing Inc. ahem, sorry about that, Citizens for Community Values, the group who partied over the idea of the 2004 state-wide gay marriage banning, thinks that, “They’re trying to create some kind of study that says gays and lesbians are everywhere.” So eloquent and insightful, David. For more results of the study and more WTF arguments from David point your cursor here.

LeBron <3 New York

First thing first, the graphic accompanying this article, a tribute to the talented people at Fox, may make you vomit due to sheer hideousness. Now, onto the piece! It seems LeBron James is not willing to hush up his love for the Yankees and come March Nike will help him shout it out. LeBron’s new shoes will feature Yankees colors, the famous pinstripes, and a Yankees-style cheer for LeBron under the tongue. The shoes will most likely only be sold in NYC and there has been no word yet as to whether LeBron will actually wear the shoes in games. Sports Talk Radio just found a topic for the next three weeks. The phone lines are lighting up already!

Some Quick Shit

If you like books, DVDs, or CDs you may want to head out to swanky Bay Village between Saturday and Tuesday because their library is hosting a huge sale. In case you thought we were going to go for an entire post without mentioning something about the election, guess again! Classes on how to use the new voting machines are being held all over Cuyahoga County, so if you want to make sure your vote doesn’t end up in the WRONG bin you might want to attend one of these. Finally, the Ohio Supreme Court case concerning whether a coroner can return a body minus some parts (they’re needed for investigations you perverts) or, in this case the brain of Christopher Albrecht, begins today.

So this isn’t news or anything, but we just thought we’d let everybody know that in our “links” section there is now a link to Andy’s latest addition to the blogosphere (which is a stupid word).

And The Hate Keeps Pouring In…

If you’d kindly look to the post below you will notice a bit of news about Dennis Kucinich and his recent exclusion from a televised debate. Well, as if being excluded wasn’t bad enough for Dennis, who only recently agreed to take part in a debate for his current congressional position, now he has haters calling him a hypocrite. Not just any haters however, but former Alaska Senator and Democratic presidential hopeful, Mike Gravel. Or at least someone who is a Gravel fan. Anyways, in a YouTube video Kucinich is shown on Democracy Now where he says he can’t believe Clinton and Edwards did not mention his exclusion from the recent Nevada debate. The video then moves to Mike Gravel speaking after he was barred from an earlier debate in Philadelphia. Gravel talks about censorship and the fact that no one mentioned his exclusion, and then we get the clincher. These words appear on the screen: “Dennis, you failed to highlight Mike Gravel’s exclusion when you had the chance. How can you expect the other candidates to mention your exclusion?” Damn, someone just stuck it to Dennis Kucinich via YouTube and poor editing techniques, shit is getting reallllll serious.

ACLU Hates on Paper Ballots

Just when you thought they had this voting shit figured out… the Ohio ACLU wants to stop Cuyahoga County’s use of paper ballots. The organization filed a lawsuit yesterday saying paper ballots are unconstitutional because they don’t allow for the correction of mistakes. Touch-screen machines would alert voters to the fact that they voted too many or too few times, but paper ballots leave no room for correction meaning that ballots filled out incorrectly will simply be placed in the circular filing cabinet (that’s the trash can, get it?). The ACLU says that a system that does not inform of mistakes, “disproportionately results in lost votes in heavily African-American precincts,” and that the use of different forms of voting in the same state violates equal protection laws. Jennifer Brunner and company seem unfazed by the lawsuit however, claiming that it’s too late to be taking action now, and that the use of paper ballots is legal and protected. I’m still waiting for the recounts.

Cleveland hates Progressive

Progressive is a fast and relentless evil. The company that recently purchased the name of the Indians’ stadium removed the Jacobs Field sign this morning. Some people stopped to take pictures with one man remarking to Channel 3 news, (if you read this in a Brooklyn accent it makes the whole thing a lot more fun) “I was just comin’ by, I was doing some business, and I realized that they’re actually taking the Jake’s name down. So I thought I’d stop by and snap off a couple of pictures for some memories.” Then he headed off to have a slice with Joey before bashing some goon’s head in. It’s a sad day for the Tribe.

Just a Few Things to Think About, and Possibly Hate

The PD has a bevy of information about the Hanna Theater renovation and all the top notch updates being made, Newsnet 5 offers a list of events for the upcoming MLK day, and Fox News continues to show why they are just so damn professional with a story about why PETA is just so damn professional and the fact that monkeys can’t sue.

Someone’s Dumb Enough to Buy Property Downtown

In 2005 Cuyahoga County bought the vacant Ameritrust property at the corner of E. 9th and Euclid for $22 million. The purchase was lauded as a debacle and then, in true Cleveland fashion, the city poured $15 million more into the project before abandoning it. Now the Plain Dealer is reporting that someone else has bid on the property. The K&D group, who already have a number of downtown projects, were the only bidder on the property offering $35,005,000. If K&D are given the property they plan to construct a 10-block project that will include fancy-ass (words used in the official press release) hotel, sweet-ass apartments, and some real serious offices. If you like looking at concept sketches with their perpetually blue skies, glimmering sidewalks and gleaming automobiles, don’t worry, this article has them. Now we just have to hope the city doesn’t turn down the offer because Nike has offered more money to drape another Lebron ad over what’s already there.

George Bush Hates Black People and Little Kids

The Bush administration (you know what comes next has to got to be good) recently turned down Ohio’s plan to offer government health care to thousands of kids who currently have none. Governor Strickland proposed raising the amount of money a family is allowed to bring home and still be eligible to have government provided health care for their children to three times the poverty line, but the boys in Washington are only willing to go up to 2 and a half times the poverty line. Luckily, Ohio seems to have some friends. Democrats from Montana, Michigan, and California sent a letter to the Health and Human Services Secretary lambasting the decision. Get more here.

America Hates Dennis Kucinich

After claiming a massive 1% of the vote in the New Hampshire primary Kucinich is now fighting to be allowed to join in a televised debate in Nevada. Last week, after inviting Kucinich to participate, MSNBC withdrew their invitation to the cheeky Ohio politician. But, if Dennis’s recent bizarre demand for a recount in New Hampshire is an indication, he does not take being hated easily. Instead Kucinich took the decision to a Nevada court where Senior Clark County District Court Judge Charles Thompson (try saying that five times fast) stated that Kucinich could participate and, if not allowed, an injunction to stop the debate would be issued. Well apparently MSNBC is not ready to have UFOs and slave songs be aired on their station and are now appealing the decision with the Nevada Supreme Court. Dennis Kucinich, destined to only be viewed on YouTube.

Maybe We Aren’t the Best Blog in Cleveland

If you are a Cavs fan, a Cavs fan frustrated by Larry Hughes poor performance, or just someone who likes to laugh we’ve got a blog for you. And, if you aren’t any of those, then you are just an asshole and you shouldn’t use the internet. Ahem. So about this blog. Hey Larry Hughes, Please Stop Taking So Many Bad Shots is a game-by-game analysis of Larry Hughes shots and all-around sucking. After each game highlights of Larry’s shots, a diagram of where the shots came from, and some other laugh-inducing comments are posted. There are also some non-game related posts like an attempt to raise $30 in order to buy Larry an instructional basketball video for his birthday, possible words to describe Larry Hughes such as “Salarycapdisasteriffic,” and New Year’s Resolutions from the Cavs that involve slapping Larry Hughes and never passing the ball to him again. Come on! Have a laugh!

Indians Finally Succumb to Name Game

In an era of sports where most stadiums are corporately owned, and of course corporately named, Jacobs Field has stood as a bastion against such poor nomenclature, instead opting to remind us of some rich guy with the last name Jacobs. Well now it seems the Indians organization has finally given in. Yesterday the Indians came to an agreement with Progressive Insurance that will re-name the stadium; you guessed it, Progressive Field. The Plain Dealer, who has gained this information from a “source close to the team” before the official announcement today, is already running a poll asking what the stadium’s new nickname will be. The Jake worked great for Jacobs Field, but Prog seems like it might just make people recall rock dinosaurs like Rush and Yes, who are even bigger losers than the Indians. Zing! Anyway, fret not about losing one of the last true stadium names because at least we got to keep our racist team name.

Cleveland Man Helped Shake Down Nazis in Secret Military Facility

How’s that for a straightforward headline. The Plain Dealer’s Metro blog, which I seem to be referencing more and more these days, has a story about a Mayfield Heights man who worked at a secret Washington DC military facility during WW II. The facility was only known as PO BOX 1142 (how many teens just called their friends with their new band name?) and was used for interrogating Nazi POWs. George Weidinger discusses the operation (something he didn’t even talk to his wife about) in the PD’s piece. Check it out.

Remember the Smoking Ban?

Oh, Channel 3, you are like a poor confused little child. Reporting that the smoking ban is having no problems because only 2 Cuyahoga County businesses have been fined thus far. You could have just asked around, you would have found places where smoking still goes on unabated in order to offer both sides of the story, but hey I guess that would have been reporting. And listen, you didn’t really need to make that ominous title, “Smoking Ban: Unexpected Results” stick by trying to make dry cleaners look like victims thanks to less clothing and linens smelling like smoke. People cured that problem when Febreeze hit the market, and besides the dry cleaner you talked to even said, “it is not really hurting business, but it is felt.” I’m sorry, little guy, but there’s nothing unexpected here.

Some Juicy Tidbits

Here are couple more things to check out in case you’ve hit a slow period in the office, or you’re just a lazy asshole that spends all day browsing the internet. A two-year study on wind over Lake Erie shows that just six wind turbines could power 6,000 homes. That blows. Wow, hope I can come up with a better quip for this next story. State Rep Diane Fessler has proposed a bill that will make texting and driving a secondary offense. One OSU student gets to put her two cents in, and well they kind of come off more like one dirty penny.LOL! TTYL!

Jackson Gets All Police-State on Cleveland

The Plain Dealer has a report on Mayor Jackson’s new anti-crime plan, and well it’s a bit on the Charles Bronson side. According to Jackson the new plan is ”going to be very aggressive. They’re going to be shaking up the trees and beating the bushes.” As always the mayor was extremely clear. Officers are currently in the process of shaking bushes on the east side so if you want to commit some crime now would be a good time. Jackson also warns that this new aggressive police force will lead to more confrontations, meaning that the tree in front of your house may be losing a branch or two before we can stop the drug trade in Cleveland. War on drugs, war on terror, war on trees and bushes. What a progression.

Move Over Hillary, Here Comes Dennis!

While it may have been a huge victory for Hillary Clinton in yesterday’s New Hampshire primary let’s not forget the major progress Dennis Kucinich made. It looks like spending most of his time and resources campaigning in New Hampshire paid off for Dennis with the Cleveland Congressman claiming 1 percent of the primary vote! It’s the same as in 2004! He hasn’t lost any ground at all! Let’s give it up for Dennis!

Some Real Quick Shit

It’s a slow news day. In case you were black-out drunk last night and didn’t hear the apocalypse coming, there was a big fucking storm with 60 mph winds that knocked a bunch of shit down and left thousands of people without power. There, I just recapped every major Cleveland news source’s lead story for the next 3 days. So moving on…

People may be fleeing Cleveland, but they’re coming back for the zoo. 2007 marks the second year in a row that attendance at the zoo has increased, this year there was a whopping 1.25 million visitors. Did I just say whopping? In other news The Plain Dealer has passed their food column onto a new writer and with his introductory article today I can already say I like this guy. For one, no photo! No creepy undertones, questionable mind-state, or incest questioning for this guy! Instead Joe Crea just shows that he writes better than most of the PD staff, has a background, and might actually make for an interesting read. Let’s eat Joe. Meanwhile The Free Times is still trying to cash in on the fame of Harvey Pekar with an article about Pekar’s nerdy pal Toby Radloff. Whatever, it’s still more relevant to Cleveland than the C-Notes piece on eHarmony being run by a gay-hating, anti-sex overlord. Or as they are more commonly known, evangelical Christians. BAM! I’m outta here.

Who’s up for a Hanging Chad?

Last night Obama took the Iowa Democratic caucus while Mike Huckabee took the Republican win. Question is, will things run so smoothly when the process hits Ohio? As we have already mentioned, Ohio Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner is not very happy with the voting technology in Ohio. Brunner recently issued a massive report - the type of thing your 2-year-old could sit on at the dinner table instead of a phone book, that is of course if you have a 2-year-old, don’t have a phone book, and for some reason have a copy of a report by the Ohio Secretary of State about flawed voting technology – which prompted investigation into voting machines and hopes of replacing ALL OF THEM. Well now, because things like replacing voting machines costs a lot of money, Brunner has ordered that all voters in Ohio be given the option to use paper ballots during the March primaries. Some people are poo pooing the move, calling it a step backwards, but really if the state is not willing to dish out funds to get this shit right, what other option do they have? I’m starting a pool. How many days will it take to calculate Ohio’s primary votes? Are you in?

Re-open The X-Files, the Browns Need Help!

In an article that reads like it should have been published on a Browns fan’s blog, MSNBC reports that there may have been communication between the Titans and Colts that the Colts would not call any more time outs, leaving the Titans free to simply take a knee and end Sunday’s game. Tennessee Quarterback Kerry Collins told a radio station that he knew the Colts would not call a timeout. Now while this may be strange for teams to give out this info to one another, let’s consider the fact that the Colts already had the playoffs clinched. Why would they want to try and win a game that meant nothing to them and could simply lead to injuries? Also, they would have only had 25 seconds left to score, a doable amount of time, but still difficult. Still, shady things may be in the works elsewhere in the NFL. I heard one of John Madden’s sandwiches went missing just last week. Scary.

Oh, How Funny!

Leave it to Scene to have one of the most interesting year end recaps, but present it in an entirely tiresome and unfunny (is that Jena six reference?) format. They use the fake awards show format complete with applause transcriptions to discuss this year’s “depravity and weirdness” in Cleveland. Still, if you ignore the filler the article is a nice reminder of the actions of Martin Sweeny, Zack Reed (who has just left rehab), Jimmy Dimora and others, actions that elicit laughter in and of themselves. I can’t believe I’m linking Scene, again.

Isn’t Obvious Dennis Would Have the Best Gimmicks?

Dennis Kucinich is out making Cleveland proud yet again. While in New Hampshire he is campaigning in a biodiesel fueled bus, a mode of transportation that is easy to use when you can afford the sometimes hard to find fuel and constant repairs. To make things even more, how can I say… tacky, a giant picture of Dennis and the constitution are painted on the side of the bus with the words “Defend the Constitution! Vote Kucinich for President.” The Plain Dealer also reports that author Gore Vidal is featured in a recent campaign video for Dennis stating, “I regard him as the only one who has anything of interest to say to us.” Maybe that’s because Vidal doesn’t care about politics and would rather hear about UFOs or shitty renditions of slave songs. Anyways… in case you can’t make it up to New Hampshire to see the freak show, Kucinich will also be traveling in California via Peace Train. Only $175 for both days!! Talk about a bargain. This is history being made, people.

NERD ALERT!

I don't know what is more upsetting about Channel 3's report on a 17-year-old's company (he started it at 15), which places children's names into songs or their faces onto animated characters in episodes of their favorites shows. Is it the fact that a 17-year-old is doing it, or the fact that Channel 3 thinks news means reiterating the kid's sales slogans and cheap, cliche marketing speak. He fires off killer one-liners like, "There is nothing else like it in the market that can literally speak to the child that's positive and motivational," or cute catchphrases like "it's fun and lead free!" If seeing their face in an episode of Dora the Explorer is motivational then I have obviously misjudged children. See, I thought they would simply want to watch the show over and over and over again, like most normal kids do, but now I know that what will actually happen is they will get up and walk directly to their bedrooms where the cure for cancer, the idea for a multi-million dollar company, a rough draft of the next Pulitizer-winning novel, and a training regiment leading to a career as a professional athlete are all waiting. Maybe I shouldn't scoff, perhaps the kid has already learned the time-tested technique of paying off the media. In which case, MyFriendCleveland would love to do a piece!Wink, wink.

That’s It!

Sadly, a small update is all your getting today because the MFC Holiday Party officially starts right now! That means we will be, ahem, busy for the next week reviewing the past year of fine snarkiness (is that a word?). During that time we expect you to make a fool of yourself at at least one holiday get-together, drink at least one Christmas Ale (which if you find, you should immediately contact us), and watch at least one holiday special on TV. Just saw Pinocchio’s Christmas, and I don’t think that is going to cut it.

I’m Just Going to Write Mine on a Scrap of Paper

Cuyahoga County is gaining quite the reputation when it comes to voting. I’m sure everyone was looking forward to some always exciting recounts during the primaries in March, but now it seems that there may be even more pressing issues. In a report issued by Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner, touch screen voting machines can easily be manipulated using fun little things like magnets and PDAs. Brunner is now urging the entire state of Ohio to replace all of their touch screen machines, a process that is sure to come with a hefty price tag. Although, Brunner did spend $1.9 million figuring out that the machines are shit, so maybe we can take the loss. I can’t wait to vote!

Who’s been Hitting the Hard Stuff?

The roid party may finally be ending for Major League Baseball. In the report released yesterday Paul Byrd, and 16 former Indians were named. The Plain Dealer has been kind enough to list said players and their charges today. Authorities have also told the country to stay alert for the resulting roid rage that could lead to assault, murder, or even home run records.

Valley View Mayor Wins Subtlety Award

Mayor Randall Westfall is under scrutiny after it was discovered that he has been suggesting that couples he marries for free should donate to his campaign fund. The smooth operator stated in an email “Ceremony is at No Charge, however, sometimes people choose to donate to my campaign (no more than $50).” I can’t believe the authorities figured that out! I thought he was talking about a Dungeons and Dragons adventure campaign! $50 in gold to aid in my wondrous journey! Wow, some people are really smart.

Scam State University

The Plain Dealer has an article about a financial lending company that has been paying colleges across the country, including 4 Ohio institutions, to use the school’s mascots, logos, etc. in their advertising. The result is that many students believed the company was affiliated with the university whose logos were being used. Now in order for this to work these schools must have been making a major wad of cash, correct? Sadly some of these schools gave away advertising space and the use of their logo for a mere $2,000. School just got schooled. Wow, what a joke to start with.

Puffing Pays, Finally

Nearly a year ago we shared an article from The Plain Dealer about the fact that the new cigarette tax established to help artists hadn’t made any headway at all. People in charge of distributing the money were looking for an office and still had no idea just how they would distribute the funds. Well, here we are months later, so who’s ready for an update? I hope you didn’t just yell, “Me!” or throw your hand up like a kid who just realized he’s about to piss his pants if the teacher doesn’t let him hit the bathroom, because this update, in true Cleveland political fashion, is lacking. Seems now, perhaps in an attempt to quiet those asking “WTF?” on a daily basis, money, upwards of $500,000 will start being distributed in 2008. Trustees for Cuyahoga Arts and Culture are apparently doing “research” right now to decide where the money will go. I guess they finally settled into the new office.

Cleveland? Money Problems? Nooooo!?

The poorest big city has just been struck another blow. Plans to revitalize the downtown area, including the warehouse district may not be happening now. Recent real estate problems, such as property owners challenging taxes and winning, mean that Cleveland has a lot less cash to work with, and their borrowing abilities crippled. But don’t worry! Mayor Jackson is expecting tens of millions of dollars from “other sources.” Shady? Yes. Reliable? No? Someone or something will get screwed over in order to make the downtown area respectable or, dare I say it, pretty damn awesome. How many cities do you know that have maxed out their credit? That’s what I thought. Way to go C-town!

The Battle for the Secret Treasure!

This story is almost bad enough to make a Nicholas Cage movie. A contractor doing work on an old high school friend’s property discovered boxes behind the bathroom walls containing Depression-era cash totaling $180,000, which is worth closer to $500,000 because of the rare nature of most of the bills. Now the two former friends are locked in a legal battle over the money. Apparently the home owner’s offer of a 10% finder’s fee is not enough for the contractor who hopes to employee a “finder’s keeper’s” ruling. Currently 5-year-olds are debating this very issue at the playground down the street, but it looks like the decision will ultimately rest in the hands of a court. ”For such a happy, exciting adventure, I can’t believe it just went to heck like this.”

Still Trying to Flee

The case for Ohio’s residency laws, those requiring city workers to live in the city they work in, has just taken another turn. An appeals court in Lima declared that residency laws are in fact legal even after Ohio passed a law in May of 2006 saying they were not. This case could prove to be a big deal; especially considering that 5 other appeals courts are dealing with the same issue. One of these courts is in Cleveland, where exodus, as avid MyFriendCleveland readers know, is already an issue. Still, maybe we should be more worried about the fact that we need laws to make people want to live in our city. Improvements might yield better results than hearings. I think that would be more appealing. Get it? I haven’t thrown a stinker like that at you guys in quite some time.

Aw, Shucks. Ain’t that Swell!

I thought I’d change it up a bit, you know move away from scandal and politics and beer and share a real heart warmer with you. The Plain Dealer reports that if you are having a hard time finding a Wii this Christmas you may want to steal one from a nursing home. Okay, maybe that’s not exactly what the article says, but the point is that Wii is catching on with seniors. Nintendo has even made appearances at recent AARP gatherings, realizing that the Wii, unlike most video game consoles appeals to more than just young males. All I know is my grandma better not try and step to my Wii boxing skills. She will get jacked.

Got Some Extra Cash? Buy a Roller Coaster

Remember when we reported on Ohio lawmakers getting realllll laid back with their law making? Well don’t worry; Sherrod Brown has been keeping up his workload with important issues like keeping The Big Dipper roller coaster in Aurora. After word came in that Geauga Lake was shutting down park owners announced that they would be selling the rides to buyers that would hopefully still use them. And if that didn’t work, they would be auctioned off to rich assholes with too much land and no friends to pack the cars. Well Brown wasn’t down with that, but unfortunately even his appeals have had no effect on the decision. Ohio lawmakers, still hard at work.

New Review

Peter Bjorn and John brought their indie-pop greatness to The Beachland last week and we’ve got a review to prove it. Read on.