MyFriendCleveland

National City CEO Says, “Wha’ Happen?”

National City’s stock is down 77 percent in just one year while rumors about the bank being sold, and job loss for thousands of employees that call Northeast Ohio their home abound. Yesterday the Plain Dealer got together with National City CEO Peter Raskind to talk the turkey and find out how things went down hill so fast, what people in Northeast Ohio really need to know about the situation, what options the bank is exploring, and well, more questions that sort of seem like Raskind has prepared answers. All I know is I better not lose my Points.

With the Lottery League We’re All Winners! Or Something Like That

The 33 bands formed from the Lottery League (144 musicians randomly paired with other musicians they’ve never played with before) will be showing just what they have, or haven’t, been working on the past few weeks tomorrow at the Beachland. Maybe it was inevitable that Scene and The Free Times would pick up on this, but today we see The PD roll up their sleeves and go after the dirty, dirty truth.

Maybe We Were Right…

While our post below about an 11-year-old hero actually being the cause of a bus crash may have come as an attempt at a cheap laugh or a chance at making us look like pricks, there now appears to be some validity to our statements. I mean, not the part about drifting, but according to Channel 5 not everyone is buying the kid’s story now. The company that owns the bus is claiming that an emergency brake would have to be released in order for the bus to start moving and some kids that were on the bus are offering stories that contradict that of the hero’s. I would have appreciated a reference to the crack investigative journalist team here at MFC, Channel 5, but your silent nod will have to do.

Pulitzer Voting Machines, Also Broken

Regina Brett has been the subject of many jokes here at MFC, and for good reason. The woman writes a mix of trite, deadline-meeting columns that read more like something from a soccer mom’s blog than a major newspaper and blatant tugs at the heartstrings of the easily emotional. I mean she wrote an article (linked above) about the benefits of school uniforms less than two years ago that said the same shit people have been saying since you were young enough to be in a uniform. Oh, and as some of you may have forgotten, her columnist photo – like most at the PD – just begs to be mocked. But enough of that, she has taken a lot of pot shots already. The real reason for this post is that Regina (who recently got her own page on the PD’s site) is a finalist for a Pulitzer…

Sorry, I had to pick my jaw up off the floor for about the hundredth time now. Sure, the woman can write whatever she wants however she wants, and she obviously has an audience that enjoys what she does, and that’s fine. But for her to be in the running for the most prestigious award in journalism is just a sham. I mean no one from the Plain Dealer even wanted to admit it, hence the fact that the article written about the event is credited to “The Plain Dealer Staff” and not an individual. Read up and freak out, I know I have.

Schlitz is One Step Closer to Cleveland

Looking for another cheap, classic, and of course ironic beer to slam down this summer? Well Pabst’s has reintroduced Schlitz to a third market now, this one Chicago. Coming on the heels of Minneapolis/St. Paul, where people drink anything, and Tampa, where old guys who had the shit originally can get all nostalgic at the pool, Chicago will now have the beer available in 10 markets. No word yet on where Cleveland comes on the list, but just look how clear and piss-like the beer in this photo looks. Mmmmm, classic American.

Let the Conspiracy Theories Come Rolling In!

Only here, at MFC, is anyone willing to speculate on the actual events surrounding the good deeds of an 11-year-old boy. Let’s paint a picture: evil, uncaring, irresponsible school bus driver leaves his bus to go into a gas station bathroom, probably to meet a hooker or do some blow. Of course this fool leaves his keys in the ignition and when the bus starts rolling towards a GIGANTIC and DEADLY semi an 11-year-old boy springs into action from the backseats, charges towards the front of the bus like Superman and turns the wheel allowing the bus to crash safely. That’s what the media wants you to think! But at MFC we’ve got other ideas. Lovable bus driver has IBS (that’s irritable bowel syndrome) and needs to use a restroom before he floods the bus with poop. In his panic that something may have already escaped his over-worked, sickly body the driver forgets he has left the keys behind. An 11-year-old who thinks he’s hot shit decides to try his hand at drifting (damn those Fast and Furious movies!) and ends up crashing the bus. Ha! There it is! Evidence, you want evidence! How about the fact that no one knows why the bus started rolling yet? I guess the wheels on the bus go round and round even if the driver isn’t on it.

MFC Video Team is Back!!!

That’s right, if, like me, you forgot a video page even existed on this website, forget no fucking more, baby! For now you can check out Guide to Ramen III: Guide to Cheesecake on YouTube, but believe when I say there is more to come.

For All of You Who Have Been Waiting for Some New Scandal

Wow, The Plain Dealer does not like R.P. Carbone Co. or McTrust very much. In some highly detailed articles published today the PD scrutinizes the Ameritrust project like an actual newspaper. They’ve got the full story, from the Commissioners public meeting to decide on a contractor that lasted less than a minute, to their private meeting which violated Ohio law and also lasted a questionably short time, and the questionable McTrust company who seemed to have wooed the commissioners with their McDeal despite having ties to organizations that are under federal investigation. I could ramble on and place the “mc” prefix in front of a lot more words, but instead I’ll dish out the link. BAM! Go get informed!

Lt. Gov Pissed He Won’t be Scoring Any Cash for Selling Lake Erie Water

Lt. Governor Lee Fisher (when was the last time you saw his name in the news?) said Monday that in the future Ohio could respond to states with water shortages by giving them some H2O from lake Erie. Fisher did not make the prices available, but some reporters have stated seeing dollar signs in his eyes. After conservationists gawked and Fisher learned that Ted Strickland, a man who had recently discussed his plan to protect lake Erie waters, was his boss he retracted his statement by throwing a few maybes into it. This story gets even more packed with wacky Ohio politicians however. After hearing Fisher’s statements Rep. Matt Dolan who shares Strickland’s view stated, “Unlike Lt. Gov. Fisher, I do not want to facilitate the growth and economic development of other states – I want to grow Ohio’s economy.” Thanks Matt, we’ve now lost the support of 49 other states. New Jersey said they are still down to help us in our times of need, but seriously, who wants their help? Maybe I’ll just keep typing “water” until you have to pee.

Proposed Bill Hopes to Change Definition of “Volunteering”

Cleveland schools do not have enough volunteers. So how do you remedy the problem? Maybe offer a tax break for those that do volunteer? Pass out findings that suggest that with more volunteers comes a better education? Maybe just a good old guilt trip? Or, how about you force parents to volunteer and if they don’t you fine them? Guess what, that last one is what is being proposed right now. To make matters even worse all the school officials that Channel 5 spoke with seem to think this is a bad idea. So where did this shit come from? Maybe Lee Fisher proposed it without consulting anyone else first, I heard he was into that kind of shit.

Barbarian Robs Video Store

Once again Fox has managed to find a bizarre story that makes my job way too easy. Yesterday a man robbed a video store in the middle of the day with a huge sword. The shit had jewels on the handle. Police were able to arrest the man after a number of witnesses helped track him down. I guess running down the street with a sword in your hand has got to be pretty easy to spot. Still, I don’t know what’s more funny in this video, the guy’s sword or that cop’s haircut.

The Old Switcheroo May Not be a Problem

Jennifer Brunner cannot get enough of the news exposure. Instead of recapping all of Brunner’s recent escapades I will suggest you view the post below. Now that you are caught up, or just a lazy asshole who doesn’t give a shit about context, we can continue. The Plain Dealer recently reported that 20, 119 voters in Cuyahoga County switched parties to vote in the primary. Since then there has been speculation that any of these people could be guilty of election falsification because they pledged allegiance to one party, but were using their vote to help another. Well, Jennifer Brunner, who is one of four people that would decide whether to take legal action has stated that she is “hesitant” to prosecute because she doesn’t know at what point the government’s actions would become censorship. The PD has got the goods.

I Should Just Use Fox’s Headline

Following in the famous footsteps of people like the woman who got stabbed by a knife but didn’t notice it was lodged in her skull, comes the story of a Shiloh woman who was saved from a stray bullet thanks to a scarf wrapped around her head. As Fox points in out with their excellent, innovative, and of course, untrue title, “Woman Shot in Head Saved by Bulletproof Babushka.” Shit was not bulletproof, but its layers were enough to slow a bullet that was shot from nearly a mile away by two 17-year-olds that were firing rifles into the air. Luckily for 71-year-old Mary Keesy this happened as just the right time, because the other ladies down at the hair salon were getting tired of her always telling the same stories. What, too soon?

Fresh Isn’t Just Fringe Anymore

Wow, these title are getting to be painful. Here I am thinking Fox shouldn’t have called that woman’s scarf bulletproof and meanwhile I am dropping an attempt at alliteration. Sad. Well, keeping with the trend of being the only weekly paper in Cleveland to update their website on the day a new issue is released, The Free Times has a story on their site about the proliferation of local produce and other food products. The Northeast Ohio region has seen a large increase in this market recently and well, The Free Times talks about it. Maybe the reasoning doesn’t concern you, but you can at least peep some new locations to get your goods. Did I just type peep? You read, I’m done.

That’s Like Censorship, Man

Malone College, a private Christian college in Canton, is in the news today thanks to a retracted issue of their paper, which contained a picture of four naked male students standing in a dorm hallway with their genitals and faces blurred. The paper’s editor is complaining of censorship, but maybe someone just needs to remind her that she chose to go to a private Christian college in Ohio. These things happen, Ruth, WWJD… WWJD? You shouldn’t even know what genitals are anyway. Meanwhile the investigation is still open as to what this has to do with Easter.

Oh Boy, Fox Has Got a Doozie!

For those of your concerned about Fox’s commitment to accurate and insightful reporting, worry not. Today Fox graces us with a story about a dog. Not just any dog, however, but a dog that ate his owner’s income tax refund check! Zoinks! Oh Boy! Wow! Yep, this guy was just driving his truck when he gets a call up on the tele from his boy back home who says, “Dad, that dang dog is at it again!” “Oh no,” dad says, “What has that crazy mischievious pup done now?” “He got at some of your mail,” says the son, ”and he tugged it like he was in a tug-o-war.” “Oh no,” dad says, “Who was the mail from, son?” “Just some guy named Department O’ Treasury!” Ok, I can’t keep this up, but if you want more you can read about how the IRS laughed at the guy’s story before reissuing his check. What will that crazy dog do next!

It’s Okay to Hit Students, But Not Board Members

At the end of January we were kind enough to pass along a story about how parts of Ohio still use corporal punishment in schools. Maybe by now all the spanking jokes and sexual undertones have had time to settle, which means we can share this new story with you. In Brookfield the School Board President has been accused of slapping another board member during a private meeting between the two and now faces criminal charges. The President claims the other man hit him in the chest first and thus provoked the slap. All I know is we have some pretty interesting laws in this state if a grown ass man must go to court for slapping another grown ass man, but a school principal is allowed to spank kids with a paddle in private. What a place.

What Would a Week be Without a Little C-Notes?

Your not so favorite blog speculates Al Sharpton’s request to cancel the NFL’s Hall of Fame game in Canton, which normally kicks off the season. Sharpton is apparently not too happy with police conduct in that city (and C-Notes is apparently not too happy with writing that is funny. Zing!) and has sent information on the situation to players like Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think I would want a guy whose first name is a giant weapon or a guy whose nickname conjures images of devouring every possible thing in one’s path with complete disregard to be speaking out against inappropriate police action. But hey, it is Al Sharpton.

Republicans Out to Kill a Good Time Yet Again

Over a month ago we passed along the news that Gov. Strickland – a man opposed to gambling in Ohio – would propose a bill that would allow for Keno in bars. The plan came in reaction to Ohio’s complete lack of money, but left gaming companies seeing red because Strickland was only allowing gaming that would profit the state, not private businesses. Well, it looks like that Keno plan is about to get shot down thanks to some Ohio Republicans with itchy opposition figures. Yesterday Senate President Bill Harris made the Governor drop a request for funds that would purchase Keno equipment from next week’s Controlling Board meeting. Apparently Strickland wanted to take $17 million dollars from an already ailing Ohio economy to purchase gaming goods. Now multiple Republicans, who said they were opposed to any sort of gambling in the first place, are stating that they will vote against Strickland’s plan, while one, State Sen. Ron Amstutz, says he will introduce a bill to kill Keno. Yes, there is at least one bad gambling pun in this article.

Democrats Out to Hide the Truth Yet Again

Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner, whose name has graced MyFriendCleveland more than LeBron James, has been unable to remove herself from the world of Cleveland news. Maybe that whole voting machine thing is dying down now, but Brunner is now starting to look a bit shady thanks to her rejections and nomination for Summit County Board of Elections. An editorial in the PD explains how Brunner rejected recommendations from Republicans for two candidates, one who had held the position in question for 30 years, before turning in a last minute decision to appoint her own attorney, a man who was in complete opposition to the Republicans first nominee. Of course this mess was moved to the Ohio Supreme Court where Brunner refused to answer questions, then demanded that the hearing be closed to reporters and video cameras, and have its transcripts sealed. Unfortunately for Brunner that ain’t the way shit works and the public is now well aware that she got suggestive information on all three Election Board nominees from Democratic board member Wayne Jones, a man who put the extreme back into partisan. And well,shit just got a lot more complicated.

And The Number of Legally Insane People in Ohio Keeps Growing

I almost can’t even type this, because I sort of just want to yell it. A woman in Elyria recently dumped out some fish sticks to find that 3 pairs of them had been stuck together in cross shapes. Of course rather than break these up and feed her children the woman decided that the food looked like the scene of Jesus’ crucifixion. Don’t worry, it only gets better. Like a long line of face-in-toast opportunists before her, the woman is now selling the sticks on E-bay. Now, let’s think about this for a minute. Fish sticks are sticks. When two sticks overlap they form a cross. None of these sticks were oddly shaped or had any sort of bizarre or intricate detail to them, they fucking overlapped. This is not news, this is a common occurence in the world of frozen foods. Go ahead, go buy some frozen french fries right now, I will guarantee that you find at least one cross inside and that is not a miracle. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for, the woman or Channel 5 for lacking an substantial news coverage whatsoever.

Yes, a Bit Regarding Elections

Fox was kind enough to point out that today’s Ward 6 council seat primary may end up costing $100 per vote to count. Sound absurd? Well here are the details. The state had to pay $46,000 to set up this election after the seat was left vacant by a councilwoman who became clerk of the council. At last count, only 304 registered voters in the Ward had voted, meaning that 46 grand was spent on preparing machines for 304 people. Fox also points out however that this primary marked the first use of new second-chance optical scan machines that will give voters a new ballot if mistakes are found on the first one they place in the machine. That’s good, right?

Everybody May Not Be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day, but They Can All be Drunk

Okay, so Monday isn’t exactly the most ideal day to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, but I’m sure everyone can still manage to squeeze a drink or ten in and The Plain Dealer is here to help. In case you don’t want to mix up some black and tans in your kitchen or get cozy with a bottle of Jameson in your living room, you can hit up one of the many Irish Pubs The Plain Dealer have listed in an article today. Feel free to smack anyone wearing one of those goofy green hats. Even the Cat in the Hat wouldn’t be caught dead in that shit. Posuers.

Holy Shit, Gisele Has Been to Akron

Shocked? Well here’s another punch to the gut. She was there to do a cover shoot for Vogue. Crazy? Well here’s another mind blower. LeBron is in the photo too, making him one of only three men to ever grace the cover of Vogue during its 116-year run. If the description of the photo offered by Channel 3 is accurate at all (“James appears on the cover dribbling a basketball and screaming as if in game mode while throwing one arm around supermodel Gisele Bundchen.”), this is going to be hilarious. LeBron screaming while grabbing onto a woman. Talk about fashion.

Gas or Donuts?

Gas prices aren’t the only thing going wayyyyy up recently, supplies for bakers have also seen a sharp increase. Everything from flour, sugar, butter, and eggs has become more expensive. Local bakers are trying to keep prices down, but don’t know how much longer they can afford to. As a result a baker’s dozen may now only contain 6-8 items. I’ve been waiting to use that one for a while. But seriously, who doesn’t budget for bakery?

Real Quick

If you notice flags at half-mast today it is to commemerate the life of former Ohio Democratic Senator Howard Metzenbaum who died last night. Meanwhile Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney fires back at Chrissy Hynde and Devo for dissing Akron. Go have a beer, it’s close enough to St. Patrick’s Day.

Only the Best of the Best Make it in Cleveland Politics

A Cleveland City Council seat was left vacant when Councilwoman Patricia Britt became the Council Clerk. Six candidates have already sprung up to run for the position, but they’re not exactly your typical Councilperson material. One has been convicted of murder, a factor that actually bans him from holding office, another pleaded guilty to forgery and stealing from a federal agency, yet another was brought up on drug charges, and one is thinking about filing for bankruptcy. Cream of the crop, eh? For voters it will be a question of past versus present, or maybe of how all these people ended up running for the same position. The PD has the full story.

He Should Have Sent it to Dear Abby

You’re in prison awaiting trial for a number of robberies you committed across three counties in Ohio. What do you do? Maybe talk to your lawyer about a plan, file for a plea bargain, read some books, lift some weights, write a letter to a friend about robbing and murdering possible witnesses and how to clean up afterwards. Well, for Richard Delaney that last one seemed like the best course of action. Unfortunately Delaney’s letter was read before even being sent out (is that legal?) and now the dude has conspiring to commit aggravated murder charges on top of everything else. Delaney is apparently going to try the “as a goof” defense. Good luck, fella.

Get Your Film On

Okay, so we’re a little behind, but the Cleveland International Film Festival opened on March 6th. You can get info about films, times, tickets, etc. right here. And WCPN recently interviewed Bill Gentzler, the artistic director of the festival who spends much of his time in dark rooms across the world. You can listen to that interview here.

Quick Scraps

It’s official, Progressive has ruined the Indians home field, but don’t worry cause Ohio now has their own Ikea, and The Cavs still know what the fans want, replacement tickets for Saturday night’s hard to get to game.

Up in the Sky! It’s a Politician, It’s a Labor Leader, It’s Super Delegate!

Hopefully you don’t rely on MyFriendCleveland for all your political news, because during our recent hiatus (I was on safari in Southern Ohio, shit’s wild) Hillary Clinton won the Ohio primary by more than 200,000 votes. But, The Plain Dealer is quick to point out that much like the presidential election, the popular vote doesn’t always equal the end result. See, each state has super delegates whose votes account for the result of the primary. In Ohio there are 21 super delegates and so far the 8 who have voted have been split: 4 for Clinton, 4 for Obama. That means 13 super delegate votes are still up for grabs. Still, as The Plain Dealer reports, super delegates often follow the popular vote for their area in order to represent the people. And yes, you must wear a cape when placing this kind of vote.

The Water Main may have Stopped Flowing, but the Green Beer Won’t

Yesterday’s water main break in Public Square may be a little worse than first imagined. The city is claiming that it will now take about three weeks to fix all the damage and that travel near Public Square should be avoided. Luckily Channel 3 went after city officials with the hard shit as usual and discovered that St. Patrick’s Day events, including the parade, will not be affected by the recent damage. What does this mean? Well the 25 people who were planning on going downtown that day can still do so. I could go for a beer right about now.

Zach Reed Tries Hard to Prove He Does More than Just Drink

Everybody’s favorite alcoholic Councilman is back in the news! Wait, what’s this? Reed isn’t partying with co-eds on West 6th or passing out in his car? Nope, he is arguing that Cuyahoga County should not have been able to impose a sales tax in order to raise money for a medical mart without the approval of residents. Wait to go, Zach! It looks like the drunken haze has faded and you remembered you were a politician.

Brunner Strikes Again!

Our Secretary of State has not been having the easiest time lately. After all the time and money invested in her voting machine research, it seems parts of Ohio still aren’t cooperating. Well Jennifer Brunner has been fighting another issue since 2002 with similar results. Sen. Ray Miller has been consistently late in filing campaign finance reports and Brunner has been after him with complaints for years now. Well, The State Elections Commission finally caught up with Miller and slapped a $1,500 fine on him. Brunner, however, is not happy with this fine. She was hoping that the punishment would have been more severe. See, Miller can pay this fine with campaign money and he doesn’t really seem to give a shit, at least that is what his lawyer is saying by stating that Miller agrees with the fine. Someday we’ll get them, Jennifer, someday.

Cleveland Clinic Might as Well Change the Name of the City

While the city is scrambling to find money – and robbing the education program in the process – The Cleveland Clinic and University Hospitals are throwing out $6 million to have RTA name a bus route the HealthLine. Oh, but don’t worry, in case you have some extra money you’d like to see wasted, RTA is also selling names for 60 stations on the new HealthLine. I’m thinking about starting a fund to name one of the stations Boner Crossing. It’s medical right? And I know what you’re thinking, “Is it worth the money for a little school-boy snicker?” Well, yes, because most likely RTA will say we can’t name it that and then we can sue. Damn it! Use your heads people!

Shit! I Meant to Use the Knife!

In Akron a dude tried to rob two men outside of a video store by holding them up with a cologne bottle. The would be robber also had a knife on him, but decided to go with the cologne instead. Unfortunately for him the two men figured out his scam and proceeded to kick his ass. It seems he also picked the worst possible video store in Akron when an employee there who had marital arts training helped take him down. As if the ass-kicking weren’t enough, the cologne also broke open in the process leaving the man smelling like a frat guy. The dude is currently being held on a $75,000 bail while he tries to figure out what he will tell his cellmate when he asks, What are you in for?”

Meanwhile In Other Parts of Cleveland!

A Cleveland officer makes the force proud by getting fired over drug charges, the mayor throws out some well-written excuses during his city address, and the shitty weather could make for new records if we just overlook that leap year thing.

Too Punk for Kindergarten

Yeah, I can remember back in kindergarten being pretty badass. If some motherfucker even thought about going for the Smurf toys before me he would get his ass curbed on the ledge of a toy chest. And this was in the ’80s, so we are talking wooden toy chest, none of this tupperware shit. Well it looks like one kid is still keeping it real in Parma. Little dude has been showing up to class with a spiked mohawk. Unfortunately the school (fucking man always coming down on our shit) has decided that the mohawk is a distraction to other students and suspended the boy. The boy’s mother is not very happy with the decision, insisting that her son has been singled out and that no one can tell her how to cut his hair. I can’t wait until the weather gets nicer and everyone sees the kid’s tats. Rebel without a nap time.

Clinton Tells Lorain She Will Take on Herself

Before last night’s debate Hillary Clinton was campaigning in Lorain. Clinton said that she will “champion” the middle class, whom she thinks she met once, and that she is, “willing to take on the wealthy and the well-connected.” Have fun fighting all your friends and family, Hillary, we’ll be watching, just like the Rocky River Democratic Club did last night. Get their feedback.

Teachers May Finally Have Rules in Ohio

In March the Ohio Department of Education is expected to start using a “Professional Code of Conduct.” The code is supposed to be clearer about the way teachers and other school staff can act. In other words while past handbooks may not have said “You cannot invite students over and watch porn with them,” as was the case with a Madison High School teacher, the new Code will make clear that this is not cool. I can’t believe Mansfield is the only place talking about this.

The End of Cleveland’s Best Blog?

For those unaware, the Cavs took part in a huge 3 team, 11-player trade yesterday that saw the exit of Larry Hughes, Drew Gooden, Shannon Brown, Ira Newble, and Donyell Marshall and the addition of Ben Wallace amongst others. You can get all the details from the PD. What is more concerning at the moment is what will happen to HeyLarryHughesPleaseStopTakingSoManyBadShots.com, a blog that entertained more than the Cavs this season. If the subject of the blog is no longer on the Cavs what will happen to the site? Well, the guy behind it is debating that right now and asking for suggestions via comment. So maybe you should head there, have a few laughs, and then tell him what you think. I hope you didn’t think I was talking about MyFriendCleveland. Wink, wink.

Cleveland Blog You Love to Hate, Suddenly Worth Reading

That’s right damn it, I’m about to link not one, but two articles in C-Notes. Maybe the “worth reading” label was a little strong, as the humor is as flat as usual, but the info here is worth the browsing. First off, Sean Penn and Dennis Kucinich hit up a Ringworm concert together. I think I’m just going to stop there and make you find out the rest for yourself. Second, for all of you interested in coffee, or those of you who like to look cultural and/or well versed in food and beverage, Phoenix Coffee is hosting a free “coffee cupping,” which C-Notes eloquently describes as “the coffee version of wine tasting.” Mmmm, snobby. So go ahead, delight in C-Notes discoveries, I won’t hate you, at least not after a couple of days.

I Don’t Think “Ooops!” is the Right Word to use When Someone is Released From Prison Prematurely

Way back in October, you know before you woke up every day dreading to go outside, MFC posted about a St. Joe’s Academy bookkeeper swiping (I can’t believe I used the same wording twice) over $400,000 from the school. Colleen Kempf, the bookkeeper, was sentenced to four years behind bars a result, but was strangely just release after only 120 days. Of course a number of people took this like a slap across the face and with the handprint still red called the prosecutor’s office. Shortly after the prosecutor took action, by having his staff take action and contact the Governor’s office, the Ohio Department of Corrections reversed it’s decision and Kempf was taken back to prison. No word yet on whether this was an actual mistake. Get the rest.

Strickland Gets Twitchy

Ah, the power of video. It is often argued that the reason JFK won the presidential election was because of how damn good he looked during the nation’s first televised debate. Well now, we get to see our own Governor twitchy and squirming like he’s been locked in an interrogation room for 24 hours. It seems Ted could not handle the pressure aimed at him from Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle and Fox reporter Chris Wallace on the latter’s show. Strickland’s movements have caused some to question his health, but a spokesman has already stated that the governor just had too much coffee and too little sleep. The PD has got more details and link to the video. Shake your way on over.

Speaking of Politics-Related Video…

Hillary Clinton decided to stop by a Parma Diner as part of her campaign march through Ohio, and while she may have wanted it to look like a simple stop in a quaint place, The PD has the breakdown on how Clinton decided on Grace’s Grill, had her campaign workers spend six hours rearranging the restaurant to their liking, and even how they picked the crowd. In case you had any doubts that Clinton’s campaign was highly scripted you need look no further than this piece where the owner of Grace’s Grill mentions that no regulars were in attendance and that while setting up campaign workers had to take photos to send back to HQ where they were checked to see if they matched the script. Oh, and there is video that starts with Parma ladies getting all worked up as they gush over how “pretty” Hillary looks. It’s worth a laugh if nothing else.

Meanwhile Back in Local Politics…

…Dennis Kucinich is still being berated. Kucinich, who has won most of his 6 congressional terms via landslide, seems to be having a much more difficult time this year. Kucinich just dropped out of the presidential election back in January – the obvious runt of the litter – and was probably expecting to head back to Cuyahoga County and be the big dog once again. Well, we’re sorry, little guy, but these new guys are ready to take some serious shots at you. During a debate yesterday Kucinich was attacked by four opponents. One stated that Kucinich, “had missed too many House votes, had a poor record for getting bills passed and had more interest in his movie-star friends than blue-collar Cleveland.” Ouch. I’m still waiting for UFOs to come up.

The Pretenders Love Metro RTA!

Well, at least Chrissie Hynde does. Hynde took a ride on an Akron city bus to show support for a sales tax increase in Summit County that would raise massive funds for public transportation. If the increase goes through sales tax would hit 6.5 percent. The issue will be on the March 4th ballot. More here, people.

One More Thing

There’s a new review up in the reviews section. This one is for Loom’s new EP titled Angler. Check it out.

More Like Dumb Enforcement Agency!

The US Justice Department is in the process of making the DEA look like a bunch of assholes for their work in Mansfield. So far 23 indictments have been dropped because of mistakes. DEA agent Lee Lucas is the man behind most of these flubs, using false information from informant Jerrell Bray to make bad arrest after bad arrest. The problem is Lucas was called out on his shit, but chose to ignore indications that the information he was receiving was false. For more on this colossal clusterfuck check the PD’s report.

You Couldn’t Hold Out for an NHL Game?

Last night twelve couples were married during an intermission at a Lake Erie Monsters Hockey Game. Yeah, re-read that if you want, but it’s true. To make things even better the ceremonies had to be rushed so the zamboni had time to clean the ice. To make things even more better (someone needs to start editing this shit) the marriages were part of a local radio station contest. Just imagine the look of excitement on a young girl’s face when her fiance tells her he won them a wedding during a minor league hockey game intermission. Sheer bliss, that’s what you call it.

New Place for Kids to Get Boob Fix

In Medina parents are raising a stink over a recently opened Family Video that has an adult film section. There have been no complaints of children entering the section, but the mere fact that the store is located near a grade school has some prudes freaking out. Meanwhile when questioned about the store a grade school student we will call Bobby stated, “Why am I going to try and sneak in that section when I can just look at boobs on my computer at home?” while his friend added, “The gas station by the school has Playboy and Hustler, I scope those on a regular basis so I don’t need no DVDs.” That’s just swell, fellas.

You Think We’d Leave You With no Talk of Politics?

Hillary Clinton is in Ohio. Yesterday she stopped by the General Motors plant where she held up a pair of boxing gloves to indicate that a fighter was needed in the White House. This was an interesting and useful tactic until Gus Johnson, a 15-year vet of the GM plant, offered to box Clinton so she could prove her fighter status. Needless to say Clinton will probably be sticking with the whole “pen is the mightier than the sword” thing now. Clinton is supposed to be at a Cleveland-area high school today, of course we don’t know which one because Fox hasn’t learned about the 5 Ws and H yet. Also, Chelsea Clinton and Michelle Obama are currently in Ohio, but neither has offered to fight anyone yet either. Watch out for that left hook.

The Battle Royal Moves to Cleveland

Bill may have started the party in Cleveland, but on February 26th it looks like Hillary will finally join in. CSU will be hosting a debate between Clinton and Obama that day, which will be moderated by the always robot-like duo of Brian Williams and Tim Russert. While Hillary Clinton has proposed one debate a week, Obama has been less likely to step up to the mic, stating that he has already taken part in 18 debates and would like to focus more on speaking personally with voters. In fact, Cleveland should feel pretty damn lucky considering that Obama only has one other scheduled debate, this one in Texas. You better get your seats now if you hope to yell something out and/or get tasered.

Heroin Rings Move to Westlake

There has been a recent surge in violent acts committed by high school students, and now Fox 8 is reporting that several arrests have been made at Westlake High in connection to a heroin ring. No, this is not a piece of jewelry made from heroin as I am positive most of you thought, it is a network of people working together in the drug trade. And no, drug trade does not mean that drug dealers are resorting to the barter system, they still want cash. Cold, hard, delicious cash. Now, what’s interesting about this story is its use of quotes, instead of adding extra information or clarifying some point we get, “It shouldn’t really be a surprise to anybody.” said Capt. Turner, “These two 17-year-old boys were one step up from users.” I’m sorry Captain Turner, but if I didn’t know that these boys were involved in a heroin ring, it sure as hell does come as  a surprise, so please stop trying to read my mind. Get Turner’s other priceless tidbits here.

Akron Mayor Sets Up College Fund for Every Kid In Akron

Akron Mayor Don Plusquellic has proposed a new education plan that will pay for any student who has attended an Akron high school to go to the University of Akron. Plusquellic is expecting philanthropists and businesses to start filling in a replica of Scrooge McDuck’s Money Bin that he recently built. To start things off Plusquellic plans to sell Akron’s sewer system for about $250 million. Sure, it would be nice to go to college for free, but without plumbing it’s probably going to suck. Come on! You thought that was funny.