MyFriendCleveland

The Indians sent my favorite player, Paul Byrd, to the Boston Red Sox. Sure he wasn’t having a great year (7-10 I believe) but he has been doing well lately. We didn’t even get anyone or anything for him, yet.

And the Red Sox?!?!

I just keep telling myself “They know more about baseball than I do. They know more about baseball than I do.”

So I guess the Olympics started today. I knew they were coming up but I had no idea that they actually started today. I heard there was some grand fireworks display at 8am our time, 8pm China time (did you know China only has one time zone? It’s a big country, doesn’t make much sense to me).

I don’t really care about the Olympics like I used to. I told my dad to DVR any Team Handball games (used to love that in Gym class). Other than that, I probably won’t watch any of the games.

Will anybody?

And you thought we hated this city

The Friday section of the Plain Dealer has an extensive article about all the nationally known Cleveland… stuff. Whether it be attractions, food, or music (they mention Bears for being in Alternative Press magazine, yet somehow happen to miss the fact that Cleveland legends Vietnam Werewolf were featured in the same magazine!). If you’re into defending our sweet little land to “outsiders,” you might want to check out this article for some supporting arguments.

Buddies on the Internet!

Also, be sure to check out cleveland.com, or just hit up this link: GUITAR NOISE to see our good friends in Clan of the Cave Bear and Self Destruct Button playing some instruments down at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame (TM). Kudos to Mr. Sedlak for pulling double duty.

Doodie.

To: Matt, and I guess Jon too, and maybe Denny, if she’s reading
From: Andy

Hello friends,

I noticed the page has not been updated in 2 months to the day so I figured I would fill the main page with a little bit of content. About a week ago I was going to write some stuff about part of the Euclid Corridor project being “open,” Ingenuity fest (missed it), the Scene eating the Free Times (how’s the new boss, Matt?) and I think something else about Cliff Lee being awesome. But that is all in the past now, so let’s move on to more pressing matters: Video Games and comic books.

I beat GTA4. What a game. I was also told by a friend that if I can beat Ninja Gaiden 2 on the normal difficulty level then he will give me $10. I’m on chapter 6, out of 14, and it’s not looking so good. I’m allowed to use GameFAQs.com (advertisement), but even so, it’s so hard.

Surprisingly I got into this game called Civilization: Revolution. It’s some strategy game, sort of like Sim City and Risk, and maybe a little Warcraft 2. I beat the easy level and I think I’m about to go start up a game on Normal. I’ll keep you updated.

I saw The Dark Knight twice. That combined with the Watchmen trailer got me really excited about comic books again so I went to the store on Saturday and bought $63 worth. I caught up on as much X-Men as I could. Apparently the normal X-Men line is called X-Men: Legacy. The latest arc was pretty decent. Uncanny X-Men just hit its 500th issue and honestly I thought that was pretty good too. I am right about caught up but I think I’m going to go back and start reading X-Men from when Morrison was writing it (all the new X-Men stuff) up to now. That’ll include all that House of M crap that I missed.

Astonishing X-Men got some new writers and the first thing they did was make sure it was in line with the rest of the X-Men universe. The best thing about Astonishing was that Whedon didn’t give a shit about cross-continuity and the first thing Ellis does coming in is fuck that all up. As you can observe by my language, I’m not happy at all. Maybe it’ll get better but they got rid of Colossus with no explanation. What the hell?

I also got my hand on all the Batman RIP stuff I could get a hold of. Seems pretty good. I especially liked the newest issue of Robin in that line. I don’t know though, I feel a little out of the loop. Do you think I should go back and try to pick up some of Morrison’s Batman stuff before that? Will that help me out?

So what do you say? You reading anything good?

Plain Dealer Gets Sexy

The PD seems a bit inspired by the opening of the Sex and the City movie this Friday. First, style columnist Kim Crow waxes philosophical on the gals wardrobes, going so far as to state that the clothes themselves were characters. We get breakdowns on what each of the four women’s tastes in clothes meant, too bad the writing here can’t rival Carrie’s own. Did I just make a Sex and the City reference? Weird. Anyway, even Food and Restaurant editor Joe Crea (who claims he has own seen 1/3 of one episode of the show) jumps on the bandwagon by offering up cocktail recipes named after the characters, as well as the theory that the show helped increase the popularity of cocktails in the US. Anybody want to mix up a batch of these badboys and then head on over to the premiere? I’m not even sure if I’m joking.

Speaking of Sexy…

…nothing says “hot” like a man exposing himself. Right? Okay, maybe a few other things do, but that is not what truck driver Daniel Walker thinks. A few days back Walker drove up to a woman in Chagrin Falls, asked her for directions, and then when she approached his vehicle, let the snake out of the cage. Luckily the woman was able to get a few numbers off the license plate, despite being blinded by the experience, and police were able to get in touch with Walker. He eventually turned himself in but denied exposing himself. It’s at a time like this that I am reminded of a Blink-182 lyric, “And in my town, you can’t drive naked.” So elegant, so appropriate.

That’s Southern Ohio For You

What’s a good way to make sure emergency procedures and disaster communications are working properly? How about sending automated messages to hundreds of parents telling them that there has been an explosion at their child’s school? Apparently the Mason School District thought that was a good idea. After informing parents last week that there would be a “disaster drill” on Tuesday, but not mentioning which school it would happen at (ah, details) the district sent out automated messages talking about an explosion. Of course parents freaked out and headed over to the school only to discover it was still standing. Smooth move, guys.

Blood For Oil!! Willingly!!!

Thanks to high gas prices plasma banks have been booming. Fox swung by ZLB Plasma Services in Cleveland where they chatted with a few folks about exchanging some plasma for cash. Your first four trips will yield $40 a pop and then decrease after that. Many people are regulars now, using the two-time-a-week limit to help pay for their gas. Looks like I just found a new job. The pay isn’t great, but the hours are fantastic!

Watta Y’all Doin to my Bears?

This morning in Copley Township authorities removed eight bears from an “exotic animal farm,” which is different from a regular farm because all the animals are topless. Volunteers from the Rocky Mountain Wildlife Conservation Center were using marshmallows and donuts to lure the bears to trailers. Of course this hasn’t been easy because of the fact that cops present on the scene have also starting chasing after the donuts. Zing! The L&L Exotic Animal Farm is almost thirty years old, but has had numerous problems in the past few years over animal care and licensing to exhibit animals. What? Are you still mad about the cop joke? Just think about the bears, they’re probably cute.

I Was Just Investigating Some Photos…

A Woodmere police officer who was accused of scoping porn at work two times in the past two years is still on the force. Masai Brown not only viewed porn while at work, but was also featured in some of the pictures found on the computer, and has posed in his uniform for a sex site. In 2005 Brown was suspended for a month after it was discovered that he was looking at porn at work, but his most recent foray into nudie pics has seen no punishment. The higher ups insist that if it was gay porn, or those topless bears at that exotic farm, dude would have been gone a long time again. Man, I’m on a roll.

And in More Pressing News…

… Olmsted Falls is hosting a 24 hour teeter-totter marathon. Between Saturday and Sunday at noon students from Olmsted Falls High School will rock the totter for a three hour set before passing it on to other students. The marathon will raise money for the Berea Children’s Home and Family Services Cradle of Caring Program. Sorry, don’t think I can work naked bear jokes into this one. There’s just not much to work with.

There are Certain Things I’d Rather Not Remember…

Beachwood resident Rick Baron is one of only 3 people identified with the rare gift of never forgetting, anything, ever. Well almost. If given a date Rick can recall with startlingly clarity what happened on that day. From school photos, to bad dates, the PD puts Rick to the test. Rick is currently being studied at The University of California. No word yet on how his memory holds up after a 12-pack, but he’s at a college, so we should know soon. Man, you’d probably feel like a real asshole if you forgot his name after meeting him.

Most Boring Ban of All Time?

Cleveland couple Brenda and Gerald Moran have been banned from Royal Caribbean Cruises for life. Sound interesting? Scandalous, even? Well it’s not. The couple, who have been taking one or two Royal Caribbean cruises for the past three years, were banned because of their constant complaining. It seems that after every cruise the couple would report their disappointing experience at a cruise review site known as cruisecritic.com. Royal Caribbean offered the couple numerous perks on each subsequent cruise, but still received complaints. Finally Royal Caribbean dropped this, “Having concluded that we are unable to meet the expectations of the Moran’s, we have told them that they would be best served by sailing with another company.” Here’s a question, how many times do you go back to a restaurant you were disappointed with? How many times do you re-purchase a product you know sucks? Probably zero and cruises cost a lot more than dinner or a pair of shoes. So why keep going on cruises you know you won’t like? Could it be simply so you can complain and get free shit? Looks like that backfired. But hey, I’m not one to complain.

Fox Out Does Themselves Today!!

Where to start… Let’s see, a 33-year-old Lakewood man who was already indicted for his plots to blow up two high schools, plots he was working on with a 16-year-old, is now also being charged with owning kiddie porn after the cops hit up his computer. What an asshole. Meanwhile Fox goes the “Who’d a thunk?” route with a story on Canton arresting people who don’t cut their lawns. What a surprise. Also, those of you waiting on your heroin order, don’t hold your breath. It seems the FBI discovered flights going from Cali to Cleveland were packed full of the drug and busted three men involved in the transport. What a high. Still, those guys didn’t do anything half as evil or devastating as some choir nerds at Willoughby South High School who sprayed their director with silly string at the close of a performance. What a tragedy.

The Birds are Trying to Have Sex With the Bees, as is My Understanding

It’s springtime and while the weather warms up we watch flowers and libidos bloom. Recently, this has meant a string of stories about prostitution, and well, we’ve got another. This time Channel 5 wants to make sure we know that this is a bigger deal than usual because a SCHOOL EMPLOYEE was the one looking for a good time. Eric Beasley, who worked at Luis Munoz Marin School, was arrested after getting in a car with a cop, letting his junk out, and offering $30 for something that starts with B and ends with J. No word yet on when the next prostitution sting will go down in Cleveland, but you may want to do with your usual fix this week, I mean gas prices are up and you still never got that rash checked out. Yeah, you know who I’m talking to.

Porn, Safer Than Prostitutes

Fox really gets off (excuse the pun) on the type of stories that that they can label “investigative” while simply embarrassing all involved. Multiple employees at the Westerly Waste Water Treatment Plant are losing their jobs thanks to their constant porn viewing while on the clock. To make matters worse many of these guys were security personnel who were watching the ol’ in and out instead of their facility. No word yet on whether Carl Monday will follow the fired employees to their homes and ask them about masturbating. But really, who would break into a water treatment plant?

Rise Up, Witnesses! Or Something Like That

The Cavs will be in Boston tonight for game 5 of the now tied series (that’s 2 wins a piece for those not into word problems). The PD has the typical preview article, you know stats dropped (Celts may 0-5 on the road, but Cavs are only 2-3), what needs to be changed, and the type of quotes that should rile up even the most fair-weather of fans. Honestly I can’t believe Boston isn’t just giving this shit away, I mean they’ve got the Patriots and the Red Sox, give us something damn it!

Who Likes Bikes?

Cleveland Bicycle Week kicks off on Saturday and The Free Times has been kind enough to give us the low down on some of the events, at least after a semi-unrelated shot at Clinton and McCain’s gas policies. The events include a river sweep, bike polo, a race, and an art show featuring some Ciclipolito frames. Pedal on over to The Free Times page for more info.

Can I Get a Noise Ordinance!? Amen!

After being warned about loud church services, some of which went until 2 in the morning, a Massillon Pastor, Troy Sowell, was fined by police. While Channel 3 reports that there is YouTube footage of the event going down at Christ the Ultimate Warrior King Church (I only added one word to that name I swear) they fail to drop a link. Luckily you have me. So here’s the extremely calm and civil proceedings followed by some fired up worship on YouTube. Honestly, I wish it had been this Pastor Troy, cause the quality of his videos is much better. This story needs a taser or two.

These Pizza Prices are so Low I Could Cry!

Fox is a little late to the game as usual, but for those still unaware of Papa John’s hatred for Cleveland, let’s clear things up. Papa John’s locations in Washington DC made t-shirts that said “Crybaby” with LeBron’s number underneath. The shirts were on full display during Friday night’s game against the Wizards, which the Crybaby helped win. Now Papa John’s is issuing an apology, donating $10,000 to the Cavs Youth Fund, and selling some motherfucking pizzas for 23 cents a piece on Thursday. Not a bad apology. LeBron may even got one of these, but if he finds even a single green pepper on that shit, tears will flow. Get the list of participating Papa John’s here.

Someone at The Plain Dealer Does Not Like Joe Santiago

In today’s PD there are TWO articles lambasting the actions of councilman Joe Santiago. The first is a massive piece that details Santiago’s involvement in aiding bars in his ward. After taking power Santiago helped La Copa, a bar managed by a convicted heroin dealer and frowned upon by the community, get a liquor license. Santiago claimed that La Copa was a sports bar that would act as a place for the Latino population to watch soccer and boxing, yet currently La Copa only has one 13″ TV and regularly hosts lingerie parties. Santiago has helped a number of other bars, clubs, and liquor stores gain access to liquor licenses, open their doors, and avoid hefty prosecution, and yet, as the PD is kind enough to point out, he told one constituent via email that, “I want you to know that at no point have I supported any nightclub or liquor establishment.” He must be confused, but hey maybe that’s why the FBI have popped up in Cleveland. That, or they heard about the lingerie parties.

Article number two on the other hand looks into contributions Santiago has been receiving. One of note is a large statue that used to stand outside of Club Moda on W. 25th. The statue is now in Santiago’s backyard and while extremely recognizable, Santiago originally claimed that it was a gift from his father, then later changed his story and said a truck brought it to his house while he was gone and his father was home, so he doesn’t know where it came from. Shady yes, but even more so when you learn that Hush, a club in the flats that donated $250 to Santiago’s campaign, had their eye on Club Moda. I wonder how many stories the PD let slip by while reporters stalked Santiago. Number two, right here, and no, it’s not shit.

Like This is the Only Brothel in Akron

Police recently shut down Lisa’s Cabaret, a, get this, juice bar in Akron that features topless dancers. It seems that after numerous arrests and numerous undercover officers being solicited for sex, Akron had had enough. The bar and city were able to settle out of court, stating that the club would shut down, but the owner would have time to attempt to sell the building before the city took it over. Meanwhile cops tried to make Jerry Springer-like closing remarks by stating that, “To say prostitution is a victim-less crime would be a huge mistake,” because participants can gain, “Any host of communicable diseases.” On a side note, if you live in Akron and your husband has just permanently cancelled his “poker night” you may want to have him tested. Just saying. Get the whole infectious story.

News is Slow, Read About Music

Today we are proud to present a review of Tapes ‘N Tapes latest, Walk it Off, from the talented Peter Moysaenko. It’s been a while since Peter has contributed, and, as in the past, this is well worth a read.

National City Answers Questions, Sort Of

Yesterday National City Chairman and Chief Executive Peter Raskind talked to shareholders for the first time since the shit hit the fan. Raskind of course spoke from prepared statements, but in another interesting move, NC only set aside a room that could hold 100 people for the meeting. This meant that when over 200 shareholders showed up they had to be divided amongst three rooms and watch proceedings on closed circuit televisions. Apparently Raskind wasn’t ready to get riled up by 200 some retirees firing off questions. The main concern for the shareholders was why NC recently sold shares of their company at a reduced rate, but didn’t offer any to the shareholders. Raskind claims that there wasn’t enough time to turn to private investors, but if shit you bought for $20 or $30 was now being sold for $5, you’d be a little pissed. Apparently the shareholders were prepared to face Raskind however asking questions like why NC fires people to save money instead of giving up some naming rights at Browns Stadium, or why Raskind holds both the Chairman and Chief Executive positions. Eat that, Peter! These people sound a little too civil for my tastes.

Million Marijuana March: Oh, It’s Real

The Free Times reports that after three years of not participating in a world wide event that supports the legalization of, and just about anything else that has to do with marijuana, Cleveland’s cannibas activists will be stepping up again the first Sunday in May, as long as they don’t forget. Zing! The day will include musical acts, the march, and an after party with events like a joint rolling contest. The people involved have high hopes (it’s just too easy) for raising awareness about their cause citing a recent amendment submitted by a MA congressman to decriminalize marijuana as well as OSU’s recent student-voted act to make marijuana offenses only as punishable as alcohol ones. Get the rest here.

Wait, Where’s This Fashion Week?

That’s right people, Cleveland has a Fashion Week and that mofo is coming up fast! The PD’s fashion columnist Kim Crow – I’m scared to see what her brother’s name is – has a full rundown on the event, stating that it is much more expanded than in previous years in order to involve more people. Besides the usual runway gigs, events will include film screenings, parties, and talks about silkworms, you know shit you normally do on a weekend. Crow’s column has all the details.

The Old Teenage Son Excuse Won’t Work This Time

Back in October we passed on a story about Ohio Rep. Matthew Barrett showing a picture of a topless woman during a presentation to a high school government class. At the time Barrett was “shocked” and claimed that he didn’t know how the photo hadn’t gotten on his flash drive. Since then, Barrett has referred to the situation as a “family affair” and House Minority Leader Joyce Beatty has said that the problem is between Barrett his wife and his teenage son. Well, turns out it’s not. Barrett may have seemed like he was in the clear by blaming his horny son for downloading some porn, but the truth of the matter is that the two topless women on the flash drive actually live in Barrett’s district and the man has now resigned. You’d think they would have suspected this guy was a perv sooner, just look at the photo that accompanies this article. That stare could make dogs whimper.

Bush Still Late on the Whole Emergency Thing

President Bush recently declared a state of emergency for 17 counties in Ohio. What for, you ask? The snow that hit between March 7th and March 9th. The counties involved sure must be happy to get funding over a month after they need it. It’s good to see the President’s memory is as sharp as always. Wait, I’m not supposed to send emergency aid well after the emergency?

If Your Coworker is Not in Today, He May Have Been Busted for Prostitution

Last night Cleveland police had themselves a prostitution crackdown. In an area “known for prostitution” the cops busted a number of men and women. Is it really that smart for the cops to admit that there was any area they knew was involved in crime and yet they didn’t do anything about it until now? The police also wanted us all to know that 90 percent of the men arrested during these crackdowns are from the suburbs. One man arrested told police that the woman asked him to “hang out” so he said okay. What he failed to tell the officers was that she asked this question while unzipping his pants. Unfortunately you can’t have a good laugh at your neighbors yet because the names of the men arrested have not been released. The lurid details here.

Another Crazy Cat Lady Story

Sheffield Lake has a law in place that allows residents to own only four cats per home. After reports of a strong odor and possible unhealthy living conditions came in about a 77-year-old woman’s home, authorities investigated to find that the woman was living among 60-90 cats. Needless to say that just kind of, sort of, barely goes past the limit. Council members must now decide whether to enforce the law, which carries a fine of $150 a day, or to change the law. Meanwhile the woman says that if the law is enforced she will simply move to a place where her and her cats can live, you know, like Ohio City. I sort of want her to move just to see the car ride.

At Least He Didn’t Paddle Them??

In Mount Vernon a public school teacher stands accused of burning crosses into students’ skin with a “science teaching tool.” Before I go any further can I please just thank Channel 3 for their in depth and detailed reporting. a “science teaching tool” could be anything. A television, a pen, a book, a poster, they could all be used to teach science, people, I think we need something called “details,” try looking that up in the “journalism teaching tool” you keep around the station. Ahem, now that you are done saying, “Bitter much?” to your computer screen, I will continue. The teacher is no stranger to controversy – he keeps a bible on his desk at a public school and was required to remove his copy of the ten commandments from the classroom – but a spokesman claims that the cross burning incidents are bullshit cooked up by haters of the man’s religious zeal. Of course that’s the full story, no quotes from students, parents, the teacher in question, police looking into the matter, or doctors that have examined the burns. That would have required a phone call or two, and well, Channel 3 ain’t got the time. I want some answers damn it!

Nothing Goes Together Like Cops and Stun Guns

A 24-year-old man was recently shocked by a stun gun outside a bar near Miami University in Oxford. The incident was caught on tape showing the guy rolling around and screaming. Cops claim he was interfering during an arrest and had to be taken to a hospital when he had trouble breathing. Apparently officers continued to use their stun guns on the man because he never declared, “Don’t tase me bro,” the universal submission phrase for those under attack by stun gun. Channel 5 is quick to point out that the man shocked, Kevin Piskura, was the son of cop who graduated from Benedictine, cause we all know those are two traits synonymous with innocence. An investigation is underway to see if the officers acted properly and if my earlier joke was inappropriate. I think we all know the answer though.

John McCain Compares Himself to Youngstown, Popularity Rating Drops Severely

John McCain recently told a crowd at Youngstown State University that towns like Youngstown remind him of himself. You know, old, worn out, and boring. Okay, okay, what he really said was that his last campaign left him with no money or support and he came back to be the GOP candidate for president. Somehow he turned this slop into the idea that Youngstown and other hard-hit steel towns can also come back. Of course no specifics were offered because those are banned during presidential campaigns. Let me just be the first to thank Fox for using a picture of McCain speaking in Alabama to accompany this article. Genius, pure genius!

Holy Shit, Basketball Season is Still Going On!

Alright, so maybe most of you know this, but I’ve been too concerned with baseball as of late. But, in case you forgot, the Cavs are on their way to the playoffs against the Wizards! You know, that team that used to be the Bullets, but that was too violent for our PC culture so they had to change the name. Funny, isn’t it? We can keep racist team names like Redskins, Braves, and of course, Indians, but Bullets has got to go! San Jose better hope the number of shark attacks in this country stays down or else they are going to have to start looking for another animal that looks good in teal. Anyway, the PD has got a playoff guide for all of Cavs fans, stat lovers, and bored workers looking for something to read. Are you ready to be witnesses to a first round loss? Ouch

Who’s That Lady?

Rosemary Vinci is on Cuyahoga County Auditor Frank Russo’s payroll, the problem is Commissioners Tim Hagan and Peter Lawson Jones have no idea who this woman is or what she does for the county. Shady? Yes. The Plain Dealer of course seized this opportunity to draw in scandal junkies by reporting that Commissioner Jimmy Dimora has not returned any calls regarding Vinci. In order to get the scoop, or at least a good reaction, two PD reporters headed down to a meeting Dimora was attending yesterday and asked him in person about Vinci. After accusing the duo of tabloid journalism Dimora had them removed. Jimmy takes no bullshit from nobody.

It’s Time to Get Back to Nature, With My Computer

State parks all over Ohio have started to add Wi-Fi connections. Mosquito Lake recently added Wi-Fi, a move that can’t really be viewed as that smart considering the name of the park is still Mosquito Lake. But, now if you are at the park, maybe hiking through Malaria ridge, or just having a picnic on Infested field, you can look up remedies for those bug bites. Find out where you can camp and cruise.

Some Other Things to Think About

Fox reports more on North Royalton’s outdoor smoking ban, Kent State spoils Journalism kids by upgrading a facility, and everyone is still riled up over an Illinois earthquake that could be felt in Cleveland.

Why Does No One Ever Say “Cleveland,” When Asked the Anywhere in the World Question?

Six Alaskan high school seniors have changed that. When the class (yes, six is the whole class) had to decide where to go for their senior trip they picked C-Town. And do you know why? Let’s just say it’s the city’s single largest tourist attraction. No, not the Rock Hall, not the lake, but LeBron Motherfucking James. The PD reports that unbearable winters lead to lots of television time in Alaska, time that these students spend obsessing over the NBA. Now if all these kids deciding they wanted to go to Cleveland sounds just a bit too perfect, one student does admit that the Lakers are his favorite team. I guess we can let that slide, for now.

“Don’t like your teacher? Beat her up and we’ll fire her for you!”

I love when they handle the titles for me. Channel 3 reports that Kathy Boggins, a Buckeye High School teacher who was attacked by a 15-year-old student in September, will not be re-hired because the school board does not like the way she handled the situation. Yep, that’s the explanation for a woman losing her job because she was assaulted. Parents and students turned out to argue on Boggins behalf and dropped priceless quotes like the one above on an apparently deranged board. What a state, we allow students to be paddled and teachers to be beaten.

Smokers Move Closer to Second Rate Citizens in North Royalton

While most of the state is still figuring out how to enforce the smoking ban, what it actually entails, and what the hell is going on with the money from the added cigarette tax, North Royalton is simply tacking on new laws. That town now has an outdoor smoking ban, one that prevents smoking on any city-owned land including parking lots, fields, and parks. Some people see it as a way for people to enjoy summer events like little league games or fireworks displays without being exposed to smoke, but again how do you enforce this shit? If you are smoking in your car on a city owned road are you breaking the law? Do North Royalton City Hall employees have to walk really far away from the building to smoke now? Can I scream at someone smoking in North Royalton? I mean, these are real serious questions. You better get your shit straight, North Royalton.