MyFriendCleveland

A Plus For Cleveland?

That’s right, I am about to unload a little secret The Plain Dealer revealed to me today, one that is a positive claim that can be made about Cleveland. People don’t steal our iPods! Studies are showing that violent crime has been up across the country since Apple introduced their newer style of iPods in 2005. Transit systems in New York and San Fran have been having huge issues with the devices being stolen. In some cases signs have even been posted about being careful with your iPod. But guess what? Up here by the lake we are having no such trouble. Reps for Cleveland’s RTA say that they don’t have many robberies, period. Now, not to burst anyone’s bubble, I mean I know it is Friday and all (whoo! get drunk!!!) but could it be that there are no iPod thefts occurring on Cleveland public transportation vehicles because no one uses Cleveland public transportation? I seriously hope our thefts are less than those in New York, or else we’d have some kind of epidemic on our hands. Shit, where’s my iPod?

Just When You Thought C-Notes Could do no Worse…

They’ve gone racist. That’s right, Scene’s always-tasteless blog has a piece celebrating the hiring of a new employee, an employee they keep referring to as a Mexican. They even went so far as to have the guy pose for a picture with only his top button buttoned in true Cholo fashion. Now, if you are able to stomach this whole piece you will learn that the clowns behind C-Notes were taking on this offensive project in reaction to The Plain Dealer’s front page article about hiring a black man, an article that came after that paper was attacked for a lack of diversity. Oh, and it gets better. It seems Scene was accused of not only lacking diversity, but of having employees who bragged about it while drunk. It’s nice that the guys behind C-Notes at least know that satire exists, but Jonathan Swift they are not.

Now an Actual Positive

Alright, I’m sorry if that first story was misleading, but here’s something to actually smile about. LeBron (yes that one) will be hosting Saturday Night Live this week. I could just let this go, but Channel 3 has an interesting quote from the king. He apparently told them, “It’s an open forum, it’s like a college dorm around here.” I’m pretty sure LeBron never went to college cause that whole playing basketball thing got in the way. Maybe he meant “locker room?” Or maybe Cleveland area co-eds have been swinging with the king in the off-season. Either way, dude better be more Peyton Manning than Derek Jeter on this shit.

As if Being the Back-Up to the Back-Up Wasn’t Bad Enough

Ohio State’s third string quarterback Antonio Henton was arrested for soliciting a prostitute outside of a Kroger’s parking lot in Columbus on Monday. To make matters even worse it seems that Henton has trouble adding. He offered $20 to the apparent hooker for sex, but when police searched him he only had $19 in his pocket. Of course there is an ongoing debate about arrests of college athletes, why it is such a problem, and what to do about it, but maybe we should be looking into the fact that a college student can’t count $20. And don’t worry Buckeyes fans, when was the last time a third-stringer helped out a team? Meanwhile the officer solicited now needs self-esteem help after only being offered $20.

I Almost Forgot About the Plain Dealer Columnist Creepy Photo Requirement

That’s right I’ve found another child-eating grin, and doped-up set of eyes for your viewing pleasure, and there’s more! See, besides not mocking the fun house photos that represent the Plain Dealer columnists in a while, I have also neglected the paper’s constant battle to stay one step above joke. So here is another prime example, a food columnist is leaving that position to write sports. In his farewell letter he says that the closest he’s ever been to the restaurant business was washing dishes. Why would a major newspaper hire someone who has no knowledge of, or experience writing about restaurants to cover them! “Hey, Bert, I know you spent the last five years writing about new cell phones and other gadgets, but I’m going to need you to start covering ballet.” Luckily ever time I get angry about the situation I still have Bill’s photo to cheer me up.

Weirder Still

So what if I told you that police found an alligator wondering on the West Side this morning? Good thing WKYC’s in depth reporting dropped this cherry on top, “police called on a reptile enthusiast who helped them deal with wayward gators in the past,” and then failed to elaborate. When were gators a problem in the past? I’ve never seen a gator in Cleveland, should I be upset?

Canton Police Unsure of What “Drug House” Means

A Canton woman was arrested after leaving a “known drug house” with some crack stashed in her mouth. I guess you really don’t need to read the actual article here unless you want to see the term “known drug house” a few more times, and wonder why a “known drug house” is in existence. The police know it is a drug house and arrested a woman coming out of the ”known drug house” yet they have not attempted to shut down the house? I’m pretty sure most “known drug houses” only stay that for a short period time, unless of course it’s in Canton.

Red-Light District Attorney General Admission

Get it? Like Dick Clark Kent State Road Warrior? Whatever, that’s the last time I try to play word games with you. And I guess only a couple of the ones in the title have to do with the red-light camera case that is hitting the Ohio Supreme Court today. Kelly Mendenhall was ticketed via camera and is now challenging whether a city can charge her a civil penalty when obeying traffic lights is a state law. In other words, Mendenhall is not denying she ran a red-light; she just wants a heftier punishment? Maybe this just has to do with her lawyer/husband trying to make a name in law. What a bunch of babies.

Cue All Your Bad Penis Jokes

A dude in Akron has been shipping vials of fake Viagra and other wiener-enhancing pills to hundreds of limp fellas throughout North East Ohio. The man would receive the pills and order information via mail from an as yet unknown boss. While I know most of you are already chuckling like creeps in the back of fourth grade, there are some quotes from this article that will only sweeten the deal.

“The reach of this thing is as broad as the Internet,” Stickan said. “It’s international.”

What year is this? I’m surprised he didn’t refer to it as “The Information Super Highway” and call it “The Future!” Thanks for nothing, Professor. In case your interested I have some issues of Modern Science from 1995 in my basement, maybe you can use them to catch up.

“It’s important to know how effective these pills are. They may be too strong, not strong enough, or a placebo.”

If this quote does not get this man a huge label of “PERVERT,” I don’t know what will. Would you personally like to inspect each wang that came in contact with the pills, guy? Tell the buyers they are fake and that they should not take them anymore. It’s not that hard. Or is it? Sorry, I had to do it.

“It is Not Normal to Have Bats Flying in Your Home”

Wow, that’s in the news. Ok, I’ve taken a deep breath, I think I can continue. There has been a surge in rabid bats this year so authorities (the same ones who want you to know that it is NOT normal to have bats flying in your house) want to make sure people Bat proof their houses. Garlic or Joker dolls will not do. It’s a good thing this is the last article for the day, cause these jokes are getting cheesier than Wisconsin. See what I mean? Batty bat bat bat.

Kucinich: Walking Fine Lines Since the Late ’70s

Little ‘Ol Dennis has struck again, and yet somehow he not only looks like a joke in a man costume, but one of few truthful voices. Seems that during a recent trip to the Middle East (trips that had Jewish constituents up in arms in the past) the little guy made an appearance on Syrian TV and mustered up his wiry spite for a shit-talking session on, you guessed it, the Bush administration and the Iraq war. Not only did Dennis condemn the war as illegal, but he also said reparations were due for all the innocent people killed. Upon returning to the U.S. Dennis defended his comments stating in his creepy fashion, “I am the truth-teller.” Laugh or nod in agreement, you decide.

Since When Does Swinging by Someone’s House, then Eating Lunch, Make News?

Oh, that’s right, when it involves the self-proclaimed savior of New York City, Rudy Giuliani! The presidential candidate (can we have a pre-primary or some shit to get rid of some of these clowns already?) is hitting up Akron today for a “private fundraiser” at David Brennan’s house and then lunch at Bricco. Maybe he is commemorarting the sixth anniversary of becoming even more pompous. I still think the most important contribution this man has made is that sample on the last Dillinger Four record, but hey, that’s just me. A message to you, Rudy.

Now Your Obligatory “Cleveland is on a Downslide” Article

New U.S. Census Bureau (do these guys EVER get tired of making Cleveland look bad?) statistics show that families in North East Ohio are bringing in a lot less scrilla these days. Between 2000 and 2006 thousands of higher-paying manufacturing jobs have dissappeared while the yearly income bracket of $10,000-$14,000 a year has dramatically increased. Luckily an expert at CSU cleared things up for us pedestrians by stating, “Household incomes are sliding down.” There, doesn’t everyone feel better now? Is this going in the new Cleveland brochures?

Voting: Now Even the Lazy Can do It

Senator Gary Cates has proposed mail in ballots for special elections in Ohio. This means that when questions of taxes etc. come up, a ballot will be mailed to all registered voters, which they can fill out and send back. I could go into the pros and cons, but The Plain Dealer has already got a breakdown. There are just a couple more problems I see. One being that you may have moved, but not changed your address for voting leaving your ballot in the hands of a new resident. The other is that if some nutjob wanted a certain issue to pass bad enough he or she could stroll down a few streets stealing ballots from mailboxes to fill out and send back. And it just might be a conflict of interest if the vote had anything to do with the post office. Still, I like having pizza delivered better than going to pick it up, especially when it’s free.

Independent Film, Ohio Style

The biggest ever Ohio-produced independent film is currently being shot at the closed Mansfield reformatory. So is it a gritty prison drama? Or maybe an underground behind bars cult comedy? No, it’s about a vampire with an amulet that controls the dead. To make matters even more unimpressive The Plain Dealer insists that some of the actors, who have starred in “Babylon 5″ and “Passions,” are big names. Would someone at Comicon even recognize an actor from Babylon 5? Ugh, hopefully someone in Mansfield sees a zombie and freaks the fuck out, cause that would be entertaining.

Oh, This Media is going to Speculate, Fella!

East Cleveland Mayor Eric Brewer has suspended police chief Patricia Lane. The mayor is staying very quiet about the reasons why, with most of his statement merely knocking the media for the speculation they may make in the future and whether that future speculation may then affect certain lives that are or are not connected to the individuals involved in the case. Yes, that was long winded on purpose. Oh, but the mayor did little one little thing slip. One little thing that I may need to speculate on. It seems the mayor did not like how the chief was using funds. Like say the ones she spent on Indians tickets. So here is my speculation. The police chief was in debt after betting on dog fights down at Michael Vick’s place and never getting the pay off, since you know that shit got busted wide open. Now this may not have been too horrible of a situation, but it seems the police chief owed some money to certain other parties, which meant she needed cash FAST. So BAM! she buys thousands of Indians tickets saying they will be raffled off as part of a police fundraiser, and it wasn’t until PAL only received $1.25 (in the form of a large novelty check of course) that anyone suspected anything had gone wrong. Now remember, this is merely speculation from a reckless media source that typically disregards the truth. Read some real news.

Thieves Take on the Internet!

On Sunday thieves used a chainsaw that cut open an internet trunk line. The dudes were apparently looking for copper, but all they got were internet delays for millions of people. Yeah, millions. Seems Cleveland is a hub for internet wiring used worldwide. To make matters worse, and a bit more interesting, when workers went to fix the line with replacement cable they discovered it had been damaged by a gunshot. Where exactly are they storing this back up cable? And how pissed at the internet would you have to be to shoot some wires? Don’t worry, everything is back up and running, and as long as you don’t look like the internet you don’t have a chance of getting shot.

Euclid Must Change Elections

If you can get past the now just downright confusing humor (“They didn’t have a Slurpee’s chance in Rachel Ray’s kitchen.” Right…) C-Notes has an interesting tidbit on Euclid’s battle against the U.S. government to keep their current system for electing officials. Seems that the big boys in Washington didn’t like the racist lean of Euclid’s policies and stepped in to help. Making things even more intriguing is the fact that Euclid officials spent half a mil fighting to keep their current system. I can’t wait to see which one of those dudes gets re-elected.

Finally, Cleveland Makes a Best-Of List!

Forbes has named Cleveland one of the best cities for singles. Well at least number 37 out of 40. Come on! It’s something people! I mean I guess there is a good side to all those people fleeing the city, they are leaving behind significant others! Poorest big city? That means your date won’t expect anything fancy!!! Shit, I don’t know why I didn’t see this before. I always knew Forbes was a fantastic piece of journalistic awesomeness, now my theories are fully confirmed! Get dating you horny little Clevelanders!

Sick of Electricity? Didn’t Think so, but Just in Case…

Lehman’s Hardware in Kidron has been selling non-electric products for years, and strangely doing damn good at it. From the Amish, to Y2K freaks, and now those “green” lovers, the store has had a steady customer flow. Some people come for electric-free cabin accessories like propane-powered refrigerators, while others come for the “cool stuff” like, “more than 30 types of axes; a dozen varieties of pitchforks; hundreds of hunting knives; simple to ornate lanterns; copper kettles; railroad kegs; self-contained toilets; wringer washing machines; and the Enterprise Monarch, the world’s most decorative coal- and wood-burning stove.” Since when were axes cool? Did I miss out some lumberjack movement? Is flannel back in? Shit, I think I got rid of all of mine. Ah, whatever, I guess carrying a pitchfork around would be pretty badass. Go green or go home.

Bulletproof Backpacks, Motherfucker!

Two Boston dads have designed bulletproof backpacks. No, really. The backpacks are relatively light and are beginning to sell well on the men’s website. Still, Cleveland area school officials are bringing out the nay saying. “There is a huge difference between feeling safer and actually being safer,” says Kenneth Trump, president of the Cleveland-based National School Safety and Security Services. “Calls for bulletproof backpacks, arming teachers and using textbooks to deflect bullets may sound good to desperate parents, but the ideas are basically impractical to those who understand schools and kids.” I don’t know, the backpacks are also supposed to protect against machetes and hatchets, which we all know are “cool” and readily available at Lehman’s hardware, so maybe these aren’t a bad idea. I always thought textbooks were bulletproof.

Tattoos are Quite the Rarity

It’s that time of week again! You know, when I get to play Vanna White and roll out the most recent FUGITIVE OF THE WEEK!!!!!! Now that the applause has died down let’s be real serious here. This woman is going to be real real real easy to catch. You want to know why!? According to U.S. Marshal (what do they know, they couldn’t even catch the man with one arm when he killed Richard Kimble’s wife) Marshal Peter J. Elliott reports that Tammy Copen is “easily identifiable” because “She has tattoos on both of her forearms.” BAM! There it is! Look for a woman with tattoos on both forearms and then call the mother fucking police!!! We can do this! Whoooooo! Yeah!!!!! Oh, sorry about that, justice just gets me real riled up sometimes. Here’s the link.

The X Bolex Album “This Time Next Year You Will Be Oxidizing Stone” will be available for purchase, and I (Denny) highly recommend it to everyone. I am really bad at writing reviews, but I have been listening to this cd over and over (which means it has to be good, right?).

Jerk is also releasing an album tonight as well.

The bands that are playing are going to blow your minds. I hope to see a lot of you there!

For one Weekend Skip out on the Discotheque, Head Over to the Cinematheque

I guess I get titles like that when I start do this earlier than usual. Anyway, CIA’s Cinematheque is hosting a weekend of local films with everything from comedy, to fantasy-drama, and thrillers. Of course The Plain Dealer’s ace reporting only informs us that this is happening on Friday and Saturday. Lucky for you, unlike The PD staff, I know how to use google. So here’s the schedule. What is a little unnerving about the film choices however is that the Cinematheque’s director merely states, “Those just sounded like the more interesting features done in the past year or two in this area.” Has dude even seen the flicks? Note to self, when done making film give it a good title if you plan on having it shown at the Cinematheque.

The Noid Strikes Akron

A recent string of food delivery robberies in Akron have local pizza joints shaken up. One driver was even robbed twice this summer. The orders are typically for abandoned houses or apartment buildings. Once the drivers arrive and leave their cars they are jumped. Luckily the Akron police are investigating and have already determined, “Here you got people who are ruining that priviledge (sic) that we can be utilizing every day,” says Lt. Rick Edwards of the Akron Police Department. “It is alarming.” Hey, Rick, why don’t you stop worrying about whether you are going to have to go pick up that calzone and start and making some arrests? The god-damned Noid is easy enough to spot (Jesus, people still use Angelfire? And is that a digital version of Blitzkrieg Bop?). Well at least now we have another reason to bad mouth Akron.

Will You be My Guitar Hero?

That’s right mother fuckers! Guitar Hero tournaments at bars are no longer merely mythical events hosted in NYC and Boston, they are heading on over to Ohio!!! Scene has an article about the rise of Guitar Hero’s popularity, even if it is patchy (since when is Guitar Hero “Tetris-like?”) and how the game is now making the move into bars, including Glory Days at Kent State and Johnny Rotten’s. Start flexing those fingers now nerds, here’s your chance to shine. Oh, and don’t forget “Free Bird” is already banned.

Need to Get Rid of Something or Someone? I Got just the Place

As was to be expected, there was plenty of flooding caused by all the recent storms, but who was worrying about sinkholes? In all honesty, not this guy, and probably not you either, so don’t get all scholarly and start explaining how sinkholes form, jerk. Well a 40-foot wide, 20-foot deep sinkhole has formed next to a house in East Cleveland. The hole was a result of a busted drainage pipe that devoured all the wet soil left from the rains. The sinkhole, which seems to be growing, could end up cutting into the foundation of the home next to it, which would be pretty sucky. Luckily the city is, “scrambling to come up with the $200,000 necessary to repair the pipe and fill the hole.” If a major city has to scramble to get $200,000 I might be a little more worried about said city than a sinkhole. Maybe I should try and keep a positive outlook though, much like the man whose house may be devoured by the sinkhole. Dude told Channel 5, “I could always fill it with water and put walleye in it.” If, after adding the walleye, he took 100 shits in it, emptied his garbage for a month there, and then flagged down a medical waste disposal vehicle and had them add their goods to the stew it would be a like a scale version of Lake Erie. I’d be the one to set it on fire.

Remember when Hating Bush was Cool?

Well The Free Times is making sure the torch gets lifted again. Okay, so maybe it was never down with that whole Iraq war thing and all, but Ohio has been fiending for some fuel for the fire, and now they’ve got it. The Free Times has a rather interesting piece concerning the fact that, “in 56 of Ohio’s 88 counties, some or all of the ballots and other elections records from the November 2004 presidential election were missing, lost or destroyed.” This came after a court order that all records be maintained so that strange occurrences, like a county reporting more votes than registered voters, could be checked into. There are plenty more details, most of which should rouse a good, “WTF!?” or two. Let’s get political.

Uh… What?

Phillip Morris (no not the company, silly! the dramatic and often inconclusive Plain Dealer columnist) goes after mayor Frank Jackson in this week’s column. Well sort of… maybe it’s more about abandoned buildings in the city. Actually, I guess it isn’t. I think what it’s really about is how leaders who can cry are popular right now. But, I guess that is really only a couple of lines. Shit, I think what this article is really about is Morris meeting his deadline, cause I can’t even make fun of something that jumps around this much. Plain Dealer goes stream of consciousness.

Using Children to Fix Toilets at Browns Stadium

Sounds like child labor, right? Wrong! I just lured you in, suckers! I’ll guess I’ll stop basking in my clever titling skills and tell you what The Plain Dealer has to say. Yesterday 300 peeps, 110 of which were kids, flushed the toilets at Browns Stadium simultaneously. The test was done to check that repairs made after some serious flooding that occurred at a July 14th Kenny Chesney concert were up to snuff. So the lesson? If you get a piece of shit that big to play your stadium of course the toilets are going to get clogged! Zing! No, but seriously, I won’t be here all week so enjoy this.

One Ticketed in O-Hi-O

A Kent teacher is in court today to fight a ticket he received for posting an “Impeach Bush” sign in a public place. When the teacher, Kevin Egler, asked the officer who ticketed him why his sign was different from the reality signs that are placed in the same area the officer responded, “You don’t know the difference?” Zing! Oh, wait, I guess that’s actually not funny, nor explanatory. In fact that seems ambiguous and like a downright avoidance tactic from someone who doesn’t fully grasp the law but was personally offended by the political nature of the sign. Egler’s lawyer responded to this by saying, “there is a difference: The real estate sign is commercial speech, and Egler’s sign is political. Commercial messages do not have anywhere near the legal protections that political speech does.” Zing! There it is! Fight the man!

Sippin on Gin n’ Juice

A Cleveland councilman is demanding that a Seagram’s billboard that has the phrase, “I bring dope style and laughs, what do you bring to the party,” be removed from its East 185th Street location because it makes people think of drugs. When asked what he brings to the party the councilman looked down at his feet and responded in a hushed voice, “Wet blankets.” Next up on the chopping block: ads for Weed Killer. Zing?

Sewers are a Dirty, Dirty Business

Take off your sunglasses; cause things just got reallllllll shady. William Schatz, a lawyer who has worked for the Sewer District (via VERBAL agreement) for years, is being offered $50,000 to retire and not sue his former employer. Sound wacky? It gets better. There are no written documents showing what Schatz has been paid over the 30 years he’s worked for the Sewer District, the FBI has an interest in Schatz, considering that he has represented 4 private clients against the Sewer District over the years, and there are a number of sewer contracts that have run well over budget. It’s been a while since we had a nice fat scandal to sink our teeth into. Enjoy.

Michael Vick’s Contribution to Cleveland

After Vick’s recent indictment for illegal dog fighting on his property, people have started to pay more attention to the issue in the Cleveland area. A News Channel 5 report details the damage done to pit bulls and also offer clues that might suggest your neighbor is training a dog for fighting purposes. These tips include bite sticks, swinging tires, and outdoor treadmills. I’m not sure if this last one is a joke or not, cause honestly why would a dog run on a treadmill unless it was training for a circus act that re-creates that OK Go video with dogs. The article also states that dog fighting is even becoming a problem with youths because of the national exposure Vick has brought to it. Thank god the authorities have jumped on this and the youth can be helped, unlike when Vick got charged with marijuana possession and no one gave a shit. Drugs = cool. Animal abuse? No way, dude.

You said, “Penis!”

The Free Times dishes out an editorial that seems like it could be funny (it’s about wieners) or could be informative (dudes do not understand everything about their male organs), but instead just answers banal inquiries with even more banal jokes. The guy seriously says that to get rid of a boner when in an embarrassing situation you should, “briskly tap your pants with your fingers and yell, ‘Down, down, down! Back, back, back!’” This is hard to get through, pun obviously intended.

Where am I Going to get my Spicy Chicken Now?

Nelson Peltz, a Wendy’s shareholder whose company already owns Arby’s, is looking to buy up Dave Thomas’ chain of burger joints. Wendy’s has been looking to boost its stock price since April and will have to decide whether to sell by 5 PM Wednesday. Police across the country are already preparing for the riots that will follow the dissappearance of the Frosty and the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, or JBC as we call it in the biz. Take the Classic Triple challenge while you still can, people. And remember it only counts if you Biggie size.

You Better Save the Rest of that Beer for Later, Cause You Just Reached the Serving Size

The Treasury Department (why them? no one knows) has suggested new rules for alcohol labels. The new labels would not only have alcohol by volume info, but also nutrition information and serving size suggestions. So now when you are debating between Steel Reserve and Colt 45 you can be sure of which one has less calories. Bottoms up.

Horrible Music and Botched Reporting? Must be Scene!

While it may seem like a treat that Scene has cancelled their annual music awards (I’m hoping a certain website’s mocking of last year’s festivities aided in the shutdown), they’ve replaced them with a music fest. This means five downtown locations will be taken over by shit for a night. In case you care. And don’t worry; it’s not just the print edition that rubs people the wrong way…

In C-Notes (Scene’s blog) latest post they issue a story about Bigfoot hunting in Portage County. Yes, the usual bad jokes and quick-fire reporting do apply, but this time we get the added bonus of the man interviewed for the piece responding. Seems Paul Mitchell is not too happy about being misquoted and having important bits of info left out. This quote sort of sums it up,  “a 45 minute interview effectuates this unscrupulous, scurrilous reporting?” Ouch, and the hater list only grows.

Makes Sense, a Flower is What Brings People to the Zoo

Zoo workers have been waiting 13 years for a rare Sumatran flower to bloom and on Monday it did. The flower, Amorphophallus titanum (translated it means big morphing wiener) or corpse flower packs a little surprise however. The thing stinks like shit (I’m not going to sugar coat) and the quotes The Plain Dealer received from children looking at the flower only confirm this. “Poopy” and “toilet” were among their adjective choices. If you would like to get your fill of stink and you are tired of the decorum at your favorite public restroom, then you better head over to the zoo ASAP, because the flower won’t be blooming for much longer. Also, if you have a large fart to release, do it by the flower, no one will ever know.

New Dog Beach Brings Out Two Types of Creeps

Ohio’s second EVER dog beach has opened in Stow. The beach, which was receiving little to no traffic from people the past few years, was recently opened for dogs. Officials saw to it to even install a wash off station for the animals and means of disposing of poopy (used it in two articles today!) wastes. But be warned dog owners, before you hit the sand The Plain Dealer has made it clear that two types of creeps wait just beyond the dunes. The first says things like this, “When I first took Riley here and tossed him in the water, he was upset and wouldn’t speak to me for days.” You’re dog cannot talk, lady. The second are more passive, getting their kicks voyeur style and saying things like, “We find it a peaceful setting to watch the animals at play.” Who else do you like to watch at play, perv? Bring your dogs, but also bring your wits, people.

What Happened to all the News?

If you find any send it to Channel 19, cause those bastards are grasping at straws. On Saturday night the power went out at the Arch in St. Louis. It was out for three hours, which meant that the trams that take people up and down could not do so. Say it with me, “Big fucking deal.” Well Channel 19 and a group of Jesus freaks, I’m sorry youth missionaries, beg to differ. Seems six poopy (I had to use it somewhere) teens from Northeast Ohio were inside for the “ordeal.” Family and friends were even planning a welcome home party with t-shirts that read, I survived being trapped in the tram.” Survivors of real tragedies refused to comment.

Make sure you all check this out! It’s awesome to steal text from Music Saves’ Myspace page!

Also, their web page is up! CHECK IT OUT!
SATURDAY:

FREE! FREE! FREE!

AFTERNOON SHOW!

2-6pm

BEARS
COFFINBERRY
THE X BOLEX
SOFT SPOTS

DJ sets by Christine of stonecoldbikini (Thursdays 8-10am, WRUW 91.1fm)

Melanie will be a guest TOMORROW MORNING!

Food by CAFE MARIKA

After the show, EAT CAKE @ MUSIC SAVES

BYOB (carry-out beers available at the BEACHLAND)

seriously, go.