MyFriendCleveland

Pretty Sure You Can Take a More Extreme “Trip” Without Even Leaving the House

Oh, Plain Dealer, exaggeration will get you nowhere. How dare you refer to a three-dude brah fest heading from Cleveland to Arizona for the Ohio State game as the ultimate road trip. Ten hours in one day ain’t shit, and if you mention the “check engine light” one more time I might vomit. Good thing the “newspaper” is offering plenty of “news.”

Local Vampire Leaves Hot Topic Long Enough To Make Marilyn Manson Props

Man, there are a plethora of good jokes waiting to be unleashed on this beauty of an article, so thankfully I got a few out of the way in the title. If nothing else just take a look at this article’s photographs and try and tell me that my title is inappropriate. Anyway, let’s get just a bit factual here. Eric Freeman is a Cleveland Satanist and artist who goes by Dark Lord 10,000,000 (I totally found his myspace page for you, this shit is next level in its sheer amount of humor) and The Free Times have used his story as a way to refresh us all on our satanic history. I might have seen this guy at a goth club in Lakewood, but don’t you dare ask me what I was doing there.

Nothing Weird in Cleveland

Everyone has seen weird news updates, so why did The Free Times think it was a good idea to start their own and include no reports that have anything to do with Cleveland. Space fillers aren’t hard to recognize, guys.

Let’s Do This People!!!

Now that we have hit the OHHHH SEVEN and Armageddon (spell check (that’s right, it’s a new year) insists this is capitalized, but that just makes me think of the shitty movie) has still not come, we need to step this shit up. Yes, we are all a little more plump and have a few more drunken stories to add to our archives thanks to the holiday season, but let’s shake those cobwebs and fatty thighs and get down to business! That’s right, MyFriendCleveland is feeling damn good about the future, and here is where we make ridiculous claims about new shit to come, so get ready!

Who’s Still Hungry for More Year End Lists?

On today’s menu we’ve got some bloated, flavorless, and sure to be unfulfilling rabble from The Plain Dealer and also some self-promoting, pretentious, all spice, no filler music crit from a staffer over at Punknews.org. Enjoy!

New Year So Slow, Plain Dealer Publishes Unsolved Mysteries Transcripts

So, yeah, there is NOTHING going on in Cleveland. That means we get to hear about a UFO sighting at O’Hare airport. Get to it, conspiracy theorists! The men in black obviously already got to the dudes in the tower although none of them will claim to have seen Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones either. Damn, those guys are good.

Wait, Who Am I Looking Out For?

The Free Times dropped their 10 bands to look out for in 2007, and guess what? Only one of our message board affiliated acts made the list. Congrats Plasma for Guns. There is some other cool shit too, like Bears, but here is what I am seriously upset about. Lick the Blade doesn’t have any press photos taken after 1986. You, guys are on a top ten list! Treat yourselves! Oh, I know you all missed the sarcasm.

Wii Are a Little Slow With the News

The Plain Dealer finally catches up with the Wii phenomenon today, calling it a “virtual-reality video game console.” The reality of my living room has yet to change while bowling, but who knows. The PD also mentions Wiihaveaproblem, a website our message board tackled days ago. Are they stealing our shit?

At least sort of… Get the lowdown on psychological treatments and what they actually mean, as the Free Times tries to reveal dirty little secrets, but can’t do it with that tabloid oomphh! In other words, shit is a tad boring to read despite its disclosures. And besides, popping pills never hurt anyone.

Slow, About to Get Slower

So it’s the end of the year, a time when things tend to slow down and blogs and sites load you up with year-end lists, recaps, etc. Well, we don’t have any of that shit for you. In fact our holiday vacation begins tomorrow, when shit resumes I’m not quite sure yet, probably whenever we come out of our Christmas Ale and rich foods induced comas, but don’t be surprised to see at least a small update in the near future. And, if you are just dying to see to some lists throw them up on the message board and get excited for a certain staff member’s upcoming list on Punknews.org. Until then drink some Christmas Ale, eat some cookies, be nice to someone, buy some mistletoe, turn on some Christmas lights, turn on some music, just do something festive, cause you all deserve it.

The internet was down here at the offices all morning, and when if finally did get back up, you know I had to check my Myspace (and Spyspace) for at least an hour. Therefore if this news update isn’t up to average, get over it.

Don’t You Just Hate Christmas Songs?

If you are one of those “pretend-to-be-bitter-about-Christmas-because-it’s-cool-to-not-like-awesome-things” kind of people, then the Scene has got you covered with it’s list of “Alternative” Christmas songs. Claiming that the classics have gone out of style, they list 10 or so new Christmas songs that are sure to… well they have something to do with the Holidays. At least there is a Grand Buffet song on the list.

MyFriendCleveland Regulars Making it Big!

Well maybe not big. Whatever the case, The Hollywood Blondes have their CD Fifteen Minutes of Lame reviewed in the Scene this week. Check it out, because for some reason we stopped writing reviews.

High School: Preparing to Graduate Even Fewer Students

In a last ditch effort by Taft and his cronies, the Ohio House has passed a law that enforces a much more rigorous curriculum for high school students. The goal is to have kids more prepared for college and the real world. I’m all for smarter people, but I don’t know if making classes harder is going to encourage kids to want to learn more. That’s my deal, read the story yourself.

No One is Going to be Shooting any Water Anytime Soon

The Coast Guard has decided not to use live machine gun rounds on The Great Lakes. The boys on the boats still do not appreciate the dirty looks the water is giving them, but after protests from various groups have decided they will find another way to deal with it. Bombs have not been ruled out.

Everybody Smile!

Sam Fulwood weighs in on the new American Greetings Christmas card that labels Cleveland as the poorest big city in the US. Sammy says we all need to loosen up and have a good laugh. He goes on to point out that American Greetings are Cleveland natives, but then just when you think, “Yeah, Sam, you are taking this well, and thinking rationally, he drops, “Never mind that the U.S. Census Bureau ranking is bogus.” Conclusion: Sammy is fine with Clevelanders making jokes about Cleveland, but when the U.S. Census Bureau drops their funny he gets all bent out of shape. A joke’s a joke, Sam.

Socrates Refutes Issues With Smoking Ban, Surprisingly Does Not Use Socratic Method

I hope you didn’t think I was talking about the Socrates, that guy’s been dead for a while, people. I’m talking about Socrates Tuch, legal counsel to the Ohio Department of Health. He thinks smokers are being big fat babies about the new rules and just trying to find problems. And as anal and boring as Socrates is, some of the complaints are a little out there. One guy claims that bowlers can no longer have fun because they can’t smoke or drink. This is weird for a couple of reasons. One, you can still drink in a bowling alley, and two, just get all hopped up on cough medicine before you head over to the alley. I’m telling you it will be a good time, especially if it is one of those black light lanes.Shit’s CRAZY, yo.

The Next Lifetime Original

Cindy George is appealing her murder conviction this week and The Plain Dealer has the scoop, or at least an over dramatized version of it. This is a 10-pager, people, so be prepared, because honestly no one should have to read anything that long in The Plain Dealer. Scandal! Shock! Mediocre Journalism!

Euclid Schools Tell Bill Gates Where he can Shove it

The Bill and Melinda Gates foundation helped to create six small schools in Euclid and now those schools are ditching the funding. Seems the Gates’ foundation wants to train more AP teachers and the schools are content to stay as is. What kind of statement this makes I’m not sure.

Records Bill Confuses

Ohio legislature passed a new public-records bill that somehow requires training and increases penalties for officials who withhold, but also denies journalists free access to information on concealed weapons carriers. Another strange combination used to pass an otherwise questionable law? Me thinks so. But before you get yourself all riled up, read the article below this one about a library sponsored Madden tournament. What this has to do with reading is still unclear.

The Great Potato Beat Down of ’06

A lot of people are impatient, and some of those people happen to be holding a bag of potatoes. See where I’m going with this? If not we will use an example. A woman in Liberty township was pissed about having to wait in line at a grocery store so after a manager spoke to her she hit him in the head with a 10 pound bag of potatoes. She then went home and made some killer hash browns, or at least one would speculate.

The Great Chicken Wait of ’06

As much as I would like to make fun of the people who have been waiting outside of Chick-fil-A in North Olmstead for its grand opening, I really don’t think I can. Instead I’d like to state that I am angry, quite fucking angry. Because I was never informed that the first 100 people in line would receive a one year supply of combo meals. Now I’m just hungry.

Even American Greetings Wants to Kick us While We’re Down

What is American Greetings latest holiday card like?

“a man in a black-and-white photo walking past an urban landscape, reads: “Season’s Greetings from Cleveland . . . America’s Poorest City!” And inside, ‘Happy Holidays.’”

Most people have their panties in a bind because of the fine line between satire and mockery, but here is my issue. Black and white? Shit, man, I could make a color card on my computer. Why am I going to pay for a black and white card? Also, why doesn’t St. Louis get a similar one, you know with, “Season’s Greetings from St. Louis… America’s Most Dangerous City!” And I’m sure some place in New Jersey could easily take the “smelliest” or “ugliest” title. I am going to stop right now before I give you idea thieves anymore… ideas, and just start making these cards myself. And they will be in color.

This Weekend The Whole City is Tripping Balls

Blake Miller leads a freaky folky bonanza at Parish Hall tonight while tomorrow night Tower 2012 hosts a mind-expanding craze fest of epic proportions!!! Or something like that, look at the flyer below.

Teens Have New Reason for Angst

An Ohio law passed yesterday limits the amount of passengers teen drivers can have.

“The law, approved by the Senate 29-3, would let a driver under 17 have one passenger who is not a relative. If a teen driver’s parent or guardian were present, more passengers would be permitted.”

Dude, me and my mom will be at your house to pick up you and Mike in like 20 minutes. Think she’ll want in on the weed?

Closing in on Christmas

So the 25th is just around the corner, people. That means that by now you should have consumed at least a case worth of Christmas Ale and you should have at least started some shopping, unless you are broke, or just don’t go for that shit, in which case you should have drank at least two cases worth of Christmas Ale by now cause you are probably lonely. Anyway, enough of that shit, here’s the point. The Free Times have their list of stocking stuffers, and some of their suggestions are actually pretty rad. So take a look, and if you still don’t have any ideas just buy some Christmas Ale. Everybody likes that, and if they don’t, just give it to me.

Scene is Gunning for Dennis

Dennis K announced his plans to run for pres in the ’08 and Scene has something to say about that. Basically they talk smack, and some of it, for a change, is actually entertaining. I wish I could figure out a way to tie Christmas Ale into this blurb too, but hey it’s not all about beer, or is it?

In Case You Needed Advice on How to Be Lame

The Scene is keeping an eye out for you if you’re not the social type. They have searched all corners of the web and found a “holiday-party excuse generator.” Apparantly you are asked a few questions about the party you’ve been asked to attend, and the generator will write a brief excuse as to why you can’t make it. Sounds cool, I guess but who doesn’t like crashing parties and making fun of everyone there?

I’m Doing This Because I Can

Our good friends over at Parish Hall are featured in an article in the Free Times this week. The article points out the somewhat professional attitude the owners of the hall are taking to ensure that a DIY space is going to stay available in the area and not be run out by the city. On top of all that, I heard the dude who wrote this is pretty all right.

40-Year-Old Truck Driver Has 15-Year-Old Sense of Humor

An Elyria man was caught throwing a rock out of his truck and damaging another car. I know, I know, “AN ACCIDENT!” you say. Well upon some investigation, police found a lot of rocks in the dudes cab, and they are pinning dozens of other rock-induced damages on him. If you ask me, this guy’s being set up and there is some major conspiracy shit going on.

Half Assed Yet Again

There are two things I learned from last night’s fantastic Hold Steady show. One is that despite your best intentions you will drink at a Hold Steady show, and then you will drink some more (whether this had to do with it also being Jon Rybicki’s birthday at midnight, no ones knows). The second thing is that you will wake up a little late, and a little hungover, and only do a small update on your website.

Here We Go Again

Everybody’s favorite war-hating vegan politician will be running for president again. That’s right, Kucinich is back, baby! The 60-year-old congressman will announce his plans today. Is Obama vegan? Didn’t think so.

Fulwood Fights for Underdog

Sammy is back with more 10th grade descriptive language and underdeveloped arguments. This time he takes at look at the end of Tops supermarkets. I over heard a coversation the other day claimed where a woman claimed Tops sales were amazing. Then, when asked what you could get, she said barbecue sauce was only 30 cents. Talk about amazing.

Worse Than Cleveland?

Tom Feran attempts to make Cleveland glisten despite its imperfections, yet instead of pointing out our positives, he merely attacks another location. Seems like besides being fun to spell out loud, Mississippi might not have anything going for it. Tom, why do you hate the south?

Great Lakes News that has Nothing to do With Beer, Boring

A set of laws about the use of water from the Great Lakes, which is being organized by all the Great Lakes states as well as parts of Canada, is being opposed by one Ohio legislator. State Sen. Tim Grendell (insert Beowulf jokes here) thinks the new laws will hurt privately owned wells, ponds, and other water sources. Of course other people just think he is crazy. Noble or wack? You decide.

Juve Holiday Party Gets Country Bar

Let me start this off by saying take full advantage of holiday parties, people. Get free drinks, get free food, and then maybe get some more free drinks. Hopefully the result will be a party as interesting as the one thrown for those involved in Cuyahoga County’s Juvenile Court where the head cheese and other members of the staff rode a mechanical bull to raise money. Michael McIntyre’s fake nicknames may not get you laughing, but some of this article’s quotes will. I made it through a Plain Dealer column without even mentioning the photo! Three cheers for me.

Last Hoorah

With Democrats soon to take over as Governor, attorney general, secretary of state, and treasurer, Republicans are making a mad dash to pass laws. Among the issues are one to override a gun-concealment veto (remember guns hidden in cars and carried in parks is A OK) and one to cut government spending on abortion. In case it needed to be stated, Dems are not to happy. Sneaky, sneaky.

No Smoking, Sports Fans

This beast just keeps growing! If you are a smoker you might want to keep a copy of the smoking ban legislature in your back pocket so anytime you feel the urge to light up, you can check to make sure it’s kosher. Today the Plain Dealer gets the low down on sports and smoking. Looks like no more peace pipes at the Indians’ games.

Everybody’s Got a Goddamned Opinion

Regina Brett unloads another column today. This time she is suggesting smokers quit altogether because of the ban. She seems just a little, how can I say this… BIASED! Fuckin a, Regina, could you make it any more clear that you are not a smoker. Read it if you want.

You So Crazy, Gun Carrying Man

Where to start on this one! Scene has a letter to the editor type of deal that concerns gun laws. Now while people are entitled to their freedoms, it is kind of hard to take a guy seriously who opens with, “I carry my sidearm whenever I go to visit friends and family in less than savory neighborhoods, as the police are stretched thin and people are on their own should anything unfortunate happen.” What the fuck, dude, is the neighbor’s dog going to get too loud? Are your friends shacking up in a crack house? Yeah, it gets better. Mmmmm, pistol whip.

Taking it Easy

In case you haven’t looked outside yet today, there is white shit everywhere! That means that MyFriendCleveland will be taking a snow day (aka shorter update means more time to get to work). So read up and then call out of work if you can, cause there are snowballs to be thrown.

One More Killer Title to Add to the List

We are the poorest big city and now, our suburbs may be the poorest of any big city also. The Plain Dealer does their best to site excuses (ie Lorain and Painesville are included as suburbs despite their urban nature and city-like problems) but the facts are there. Where are you going to flee to next, people?

Shit is All Sorts of Mixed Up

We like to think of ourselves as The Plain Dealer’s largest daily detractors, sure we didn’t mock today, but need we bring up our constant assault on columnist photos or other mud slinging? Well seems like someone else in Cleveland has a problem with our paper’s coverage, namely Democrats. To make things even a bit stranger, it takes Scene to bring us this story. What you get is one questionable paper insulting another. Irony?

TONIGHT!!!!

Put on your mittens, tighten your scarves, and lace up them boots! No this is not a skinhead show, I was just talking about the snow. Anyway Pat’s in the Flat’s is dishing out the noise in massive, noisy, melt your face quantities tonight. Parts and Labor headline with Cleveland’s kings of cacophony Clan of the Cave Bear on deck, and a few other notables as well. I’m running out of time, scope the flyer below!

Taft Looking Forward To Silver Anniversary

Governor Taft, let us here at MyFriendCleveland.com be the first to congratulate you on the upcoming 25, you old go-getter! You have helped to place Ohio on the map for executions, leaving us only second to Texas in 2004 and 2005! And if by chance you are reading this, do you think you can help us out with some press passes? Gotta love sarcasm.

Ain’t No Drivers Like West Side Drivers Cause… Wait, What?

We got some snow yesterday and there were some traffic issues as a result. I’m sure you all noticed this, unless of course you stayed inside all day checking for grammar mistakes on MyFriendCleveland (you know you love the shout out message board!). Well with the traffic has come the ever-classic East Side/ West Side debate over who has the worst drivers. We here at MyFriendCleveland would like to make it clear that we will not choose sides in this matter, in fact we will go so far as to say that both sides of town do not know how to properly operate a motor vehicle. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, haters. Throw up the appropriate fingers and read on.

Do The Minimum Wage Breakdown

Minimum wage will be raised from $5.15 an hour to $6.85 an hour in Ohio. Now as we already brought up, this will be a serious issue for small businesses that will have to fire certain employees in order to pay the other ones a higher salary. The Free Times goes a little further into the debate discussing how the change could affect disabled employees, and, I’m sorry BK fanatics, the cost of Whoppers. It is such an interesting article that I’ll even let The Free Times handle the link. ”Word on the street is Mayor McCheese is pissed.”

More Art for Unopened Museum

Steven Litt, AKA Mr. Golly Gee, gives the lowdown on the art museum’s latest acquisitions. They were able to pick up works by Rembrandt van Rijn and Thomas Gainsborough. There is no mention of the costs so we are estimating somewhere between $20 and $100, that is what classic art goes for these days, or so we are told. Get cultured my friends.

Old Man Wants Cigars and Fedoras, Not Beer and Barking at Browns Games

A disgruntled Browns fan that is known as El Jefe (NOFX fans insert laughs here) serves up his beef to Tom Feran (who luckily keeps his own jokes to one bad House reference). Jefe’s family have been Browns season ticket holders since 1946 and he is getting annoyed by the Dawg Pound, guys who won’t sit down, the use of profanity at games, and security’s non-existent presence. Dude, just wants to watch the game.

Up In Smoke

Yeah, okay, so we are running through every possible cliche in order to give you titles about the smoking ban. What are you going to do about it? Channel 3 News adds their info on the situation by letting you know just where smoking can still take place. If you are planning to live in a hotel or nursing home, well you are in luck, because both are allowed to designate rooms for smoking. Otherwise… smokers might want to get warmer coats, cause you will be getting the boot elsewhere. Puff, puff, pass.