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Plain Dealer Gets Sexy

The PD seems a bit inspired by the opening of the Sex and the City movie this Friday. First, style columnist Kim Crow waxes philosophical on the gals wardrobes, going so far as to state that the clothes themselves were characters. We get breakdowns on what each of the four women’s tastes in clothes meant, too bad the writing here can’t rival Carrie’s own. Did I just make a Sex and the City reference? Weird. Anyway, even Food and Restaurant editor Joe Crea (who claims he has own seen 1/3 of one episode of the show) jumps on the bandwagon by offering up cocktail recipes named after the characters, as well as the theory that the show helped increase the popularity of cocktails in the US. Anybody want to mix up a batch of these badboys and then head on over to the premiere? I’m not even sure if I’m joking.

Speaking of Sexy…

…nothing says “hot” like a man exposing himself. Right? Okay, maybe a few other things do, but that is not what truck driver Daniel Walker thinks. A few days back Walker drove up to a woman in Chagrin Falls, asked her for directions, and then when she approached his vehicle, let the snake out of the cage. Luckily the woman was able to get a few numbers off the license plate, despite being blinded by the experience, and police were able to get in touch with Walker. He eventually turned himself in but denied exposing himself. It’s at a time like this that I am reminded of a Blink-182 lyric, “And in my town, you can’t drive naked.” So elegant, so appropriate.

That’s Southern Ohio For You

What’s a good way to make sure emergency procedures and disaster communications are working properly? How about sending automated messages to hundreds of parents telling them that there has been an explosion at their child’s school? Apparently the Mason School District thought that was a good idea. After informing parents last week that there would be a “disaster drill” on Tuesday, but not mentioning which school it would happen at (ah, details) the district sent out automated messages talking about an explosion. Of course parents freaked out and headed over to the school only to discover it was still standing. Smooth move, guys.

Blood For Oil!! Willingly!!!

Thanks to high gas prices plasma banks have been booming. Fox swung by ZLB Plasma Services in Cleveland where they chatted with a few folks about exchanging some plasma for cash. Your first four trips will yield $40 a pop and then decrease after that. Many people are regulars now, using the two-time-a-week limit to help pay for their gas. Looks like I just found a new job. The pay isn’t great, but the hours are fantastic!

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Watta Y’all Doin to my Bears?

This morning in Copley Township authorities removed eight bears from an “exotic animal farm,” which is different from a regular farm because all the animals are topless. Volunteers from the Rocky Mountain Wildlife Conservation Center were using marshmallows and donuts to lure the bears to trailers. Of course this hasn’t been easy because of the fact that cops present on the scene have also starting chasing after the donuts. Zing! The L&L Exotic Animal Farm is almost thirty years old, but has had numerous problems in the past few years over animal care and licensing to exhibit animals. What? Are you still mad about the cop joke? Just think about the bears, they’re probably cute.

I Was Just Investigating Some Photos…

A Woodmere police officer who was accused of scoping porn at work two times in the past two years is still on the force. Masai Brown not only viewed porn while at work, but was also featured in some of the pictures found on the computer, and has posed in his uniform for a sex site. In 2005 Brown was suspended for a month after it was discovered that he was looking at porn at work, but his most recent foray into nudie pics has seen no punishment. The higher ups insist that if it was gay porn, or those topless bears at that exotic farm, dude would have been gone a long time again. Man, I’m on a roll.

And in More Pressing News…

… Olmsted Falls is hosting a 24 hour teeter-totter marathon. Between Saturday and Sunday at noon students from Olmsted Falls High School will rock the totter for a three hour set before passing it on to other students. The marathon will raise money for the Berea Children’s Home and Family Services Cradle of Caring Program. Sorry, don’t think I can work naked bear jokes into this one. There’s just not much to work with.

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There are Certain Things I’d Rather Not Remember…

Beachwood resident Rick Baron is one of only 3 people identified with the rare gift of never forgetting, anything, ever. Well almost. If given a date Rick can recall with startlingly clarity what happened on that day. From school photos, to bad dates, the PD puts Rick to the test. Rick is currently being studied at The University of California. No word yet on how his memory holds up after a 12-pack, but he’s at a college, so we should know soon. Man, you’d probably feel like a real asshole if you forgot his name after meeting him.

Most Boring Ban of All Time?

Cleveland couple Brenda and Gerald Moran have been banned from Royal Caribbean Cruises for life. Sound interesting? Scandalous, even? Well it’s not. The couple, who have been taking one or two Royal Caribbean cruises for the past three years, were banned because of their constant complaining. It seems that after every cruise the couple would report their disappointing experience at a cruise review site known as cruisecritic.com. Royal Caribbean offered the couple numerous perks on each subsequent cruise, but still received complaints. Finally Royal Caribbean dropped this, “Having concluded that we are unable to meet the expectations of the Moran’s, we have told them that they would be best served by sailing with another company.” Here’s a question, how many times do you go back to a restaurant you were disappointed with? How many times do you re-purchase a product you know sucks? Probably zero and cruises cost a lot more than dinner or a pair of shoes. So why keep going on cruises you know you won’t like? Could it be simply so you can complain and get free shit? Looks like that backfired. But hey, I’m not one to complain.

Fox Out Does Themselves Today!!

Where to start… Let’s see, a 33-year-old Lakewood man who was already indicted for his plots to blow up two high schools, plots he was working on with a 16-year-old, is now also being charged with owning kiddie porn after the cops hit up his computer. What an asshole. Meanwhile Fox goes the “Who’d a thunk?” route with a story on Canton arresting people who don’t cut their lawns. What a surprise. Also, those of you waiting on your heroin order, don’t hold your breath. It seems the FBI discovered flights going from Cali to Cleveland were packed full of the drug and busted three men involved in the transport. What a high. Still, those guys didn’t do anything half as evil or devastating as some choir nerds at Willoughby South High School who sprayed their director with silly string at the close of a performance. What a tragedy.

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The Birds are Trying to Have Sex With the Bees, as is My Understanding

It’s springtime and while the weather warms up we watch flowers and libidos bloom. Recently, this has meant a string of stories about prostitution, and well, we’ve got another. This time Channel 5 wants to make sure we know that this is a bigger deal than usual because a SCHOOL EMPLOYEE was the one looking for a good time. Eric Beasley, who worked at Luis Munoz Marin School, was arrested after getting in a car with a cop, letting his junk out, and offering $30 for something that starts with B and ends with J. No word yet on when the next prostitution sting will go down in Cleveland, but you may want to do with your usual fix this week, I mean gas prices are up and you still never got that rash checked out. Yeah, you know who I’m talking to.

Porn, Safer Than Prostitutes

Fox really gets off (excuse the pun) on the type of stories that that they can label “investigative” while simply embarrassing all involved. Multiple employees at the Westerly Waste Water Treatment Plant are losing their jobs thanks to their constant porn viewing while on the clock. To make matters worse many of these guys were security personnel who were watching the ol’ in and out instead of their facility. No word yet on whether Carl Monday will follow the fired employees to their homes and ask them about masturbating. But really, who would break into a water treatment plant?

Rise Up, Witnesses! Or Something Like That

The Cavs will be in Boston tonight for game 5 of the now tied series (that’s 2 wins a piece for those not into word problems). The PD has the typical preview article, you know stats dropped (Celts may 0-5 on the road, but Cavs are only 2-3), what needs to be changed, and the type of quotes that should rile up even the most fair-weather of fans. Honestly I can’t believe Boston isn’t just giving this shit away, I mean they’ve got the Patriots and the Red Sox, give us something damn it!

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Who Likes Bikes?

Cleveland Bicycle Week kicks off on Saturday and The Free Times has been kind enough to give us the low down on some of the events, at least after a semi-unrelated shot at Clinton and McCain’s gas policies. The events include a river sweep, bike polo, a race, and an art show featuring some Ciclipolito frames. Pedal on over to The Free Times page for more info.

Can I Get a Noise Ordinance!? Amen!

After being warned about loud church services, some of which went until 2 in the morning, a Massillon Pastor, Troy Sowell, was fined by police. While Channel 3 reports that there is YouTube footage of the event going down at Christ the Ultimate Warrior King Church (I only added one word to that name I swear) they fail to drop a link. Luckily you have me. So here’s the extremely calm and civil proceedings followed by some fired up worship on YouTube. Honestly, I wish it had been this Pastor Troy, cause the quality of his videos is much better. This story needs a taser or two.

These Pizza Prices are so Low I Could Cry!

Fox is a little late to the game as usual, but for those still unaware of Papa John’s hatred for Cleveland, let’s clear things up. Papa John’s locations in Washington DC made t-shirts that said “Crybaby” with LeBron’s number underneath. The shirts were on full display during Friday night’s game against the Wizards, which the Crybaby helped win. Now Papa John’s is issuing an apology, donating $10,000 to the Cavs Youth Fund, and selling some motherfucking pizzas for 23 cents a piece on Thursday. Not a bad apology. LeBron may even got one of these, but if he finds even a single green pepper on that shit, tears will flow. Get the list of participating Papa John’s here.

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Someone at The Plain Dealer Does Not Like Joe Santiago

In today’s PD there are TWO articles lambasting the actions of councilman Joe Santiago. The first is a massive piece that details Santiago’s involvement in aiding bars in his ward. After taking power Santiago helped La Copa, a bar managed by a convicted heroin dealer and frowned upon by the community, get a liquor license. Santiago claimed that La Copa was a sports bar that would act as a place for the Latino population to watch soccer and boxing, yet currently La Copa only has one 13″ TV and regularly hosts lingerie parties. Santiago has helped a number of other bars, clubs, and liquor stores gain access to liquor licenses, open their doors, and avoid hefty prosecution, and yet, as the PD is kind enough to point out, he told one constituent via email that, “I want you to know that at no point have I supported any nightclub or liquor establishment.” He must be confused, but hey maybe that’s why the FBI have popped up in Cleveland. That, or they heard about the lingerie parties.

Article number two on the other hand looks into contributions Santiago has been receiving. One of note is a large statue that used to stand outside of Club Moda on W. 25th. The statue is now in Santiago’s backyard and while extremely recognizable, Santiago originally claimed that it was a gift from his father, then later changed his story and said a truck brought it to his house while he was gone and his father was home, so he doesn’t know where it came from. Shady yes, but even more so when you learn that Hush, a club in the flats that donated $250 to Santiago’s campaign, had their eye on Club Moda. I wonder how many stories the PD let slip by while reporters stalked Santiago. Number two, right here, and no, it’s not shit.

Like This is the Only Brothel in Akron

Police recently shut down Lisa’s Cabaret, a, get this, juice bar in Akron that features topless dancers. It seems that after numerous arrests and numerous undercover officers being solicited for sex, Akron had had enough. The bar and city were able to settle out of court, stating that the club would shut down, but the owner would have time to attempt to sell the building before the city took it over. Meanwhile cops tried to make Jerry Springer-like closing remarks by stating that, “To say prostitution is a victim-less crime would be a huge mistake,” because participants can gain, “Any host of communicable diseases.” On a side note, if you live in Akron and your husband has just permanently cancelled his “poker night” you may want to have him tested. Just saying. Get the whole infectious story.

News is Slow, Read About Music

Today we are proud to present a review of Tapes ‘N Tapes latest, Walk it Off, from the talented Peter Moysaenko. It’s been a while since Peter has contributed, and, as in the past, this is well worth a read.

Posted under Hometown