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National City Answers Questions, Sort Of

Yesterday National City Chairman and Chief Executive Peter Raskind talked to shareholders for the first time since the shit hit the fan. Raskind of course spoke from prepared statements, but in another interesting move, NC only set aside a room that could hold 100 people for the meeting. This meant that when over 200 shareholders showed up they had to be divided amongst three rooms and watch proceedings on closed circuit televisions. Apparently Raskind wasn’t ready to get riled up by 200 some retirees firing off questions. The main concern for the shareholders was why NC recently sold shares of their company at a reduced rate, but didn’t offer any to the shareholders. Raskind claims that there wasn’t enough time to turn to private investors, but if shit you bought for $20 or $30 was now being sold for $5, you’d be a little pissed. Apparently the shareholders were prepared to face Raskind however asking questions like why NC fires people to save money instead of giving up some naming rights at Browns Stadium, or why Raskind holds both the Chairman and Chief Executive positions. Eat that, Peter! These people sound a little too civil for my tastes.

Million Marijuana March: Oh, It’s Real

The Free Times reports that after three years of not participating in a world wide event that supports the legalization of, and just about anything else that has to do with marijuana, Cleveland’s cannibas activists will be stepping up again the first Sunday in May, as long as they don’t forget. Zing! The day will include musical acts, the march, and an after party with events like a joint rolling contest. The people involved have high hopes (it’s just too easy) for raising awareness about their cause citing a recent amendment submitted by a MA congressman to decriminalize marijuana as well as OSU’s recent student-voted act to make marijuana offenses only as punishable as alcohol ones. Get the rest here.

Wait, Where’s This Fashion Week?

That’s right people, Cleveland has a Fashion Week and that mofo is coming up fast! The PD’s fashion columnist Kim Crow - I’m scared to see what her brother’s name is - has a full rundown on the event, stating that it is much more expanded than in previous years in order to involve more people. Besides the usual runway gigs, events will include film screenings, parties, and talks about silkworms, you know shit you normally do on a weekend. Crow’s column has all the details.

Posted under Hometown

The Old Teenage Son Excuse Won’t Work This Time

Back in October we passed on a story about Ohio Rep. Matthew Barrett showing a picture of a topless woman during a presentation to a high school government class. At the time Barrett was “shocked” and claimed that he didn’t know how the photo hadn’t gotten on his flash drive. Since then, Barrett has referred to the situation as a “family affair” and House Minority Leader Joyce Beatty has said that the problem is between Barrett his wife and his teenage son. Well, turns out it’s not. Barrett may have seemed like he was in the clear by blaming his horny son for downloading some porn, but the truth of the matter is that the two topless women on the flash drive actually live in Barrett’s district and the man has now resigned. You’d think they would have suspected this guy was a perv sooner, just look at the photo that accompanies this article. That stare could make dogs whimper.

Bush Still Late on the Whole Emergency Thing

President Bush recently declared a state of emergency for 17 counties in Ohio. What for, you ask? The snow that hit between March 7th and March 9th. The counties involved sure must be happy to get funding over a month after they need it. It’s good to see the President’s memory is as sharp as always. Wait, I’m not supposed to send emergency aid well after the emergency?

If Your Coworker is Not in Today, He May Have Been Busted for Prostitution

Last night Cleveland police had themselves a prostitution crackdown. In an area “known for prostitution” the cops busted a number of men and women. Is it really that smart for the cops to admit that there was any area they knew was involved in crime and yet they didn’t do anything about it until now? The police also wanted us all to know that 90 percent of the men arrested during these crackdowns are from the suburbs. One man arrested told police that the woman asked him to “hang out” so he said okay. What he failed to tell the officers was that she asked this question while unzipping his pants. Unfortunately you can’t have a good laugh at your neighbors yet because the names of the men arrested have not been released. The lurid details here.

Another Crazy Cat Lady Story

Sheffield Lake has a law in place that allows residents to own only four cats per home. After reports of a strong odor and possible unhealthy living conditions came in about a 77-year-old woman’s home, authorities investigated to find that the woman was living among 60-90 cats. Needless to say that just kind of, sort of, barely goes past the limit. Council members must now decide whether to enforce the law, which carries a fine of $150 a day, or to change the law. Meanwhile the woman says that if the law is enforced she will simply move to a place where her and her cats can live, you know, like Ohio City. I sort of want her to move just to see the car ride.

Posted under Hometown

At Least He Didn’t Paddle Them??

In Mount Vernon a public school teacher stands accused of burning crosses into students’ skin with a “science teaching tool.” Before I go any further can I please just thank Channel 3 for their in depth and detailed reporting. a “science teaching tool” could be anything. A television, a pen, a book, a poster, they could all be used to teach science, people, I think we need something called “details,” try looking that up in the “journalism teaching tool” you keep around the station. Ahem, now that you are done saying, “Bitter much?” to your computer screen, I will continue. The teacher is no stranger to controversy - he keeps a bible on his desk at a public school and was required to remove his copy of the ten commandments from the classroom - but a spokesman claims that the cross burning incidents are bullshit cooked up by haters of the man’s religious zeal. Of course that’s the full story, no quotes from students, parents, the teacher in question, police looking into the matter, or doctors that have examined the burns. That would have required a phone call or two, and well, Channel 3 ain’t got the time. I want some answers damn it!

Nothing Goes Together Like Cops and Stun Guns

A 24-year-old man was recently shocked by a stun gun outside a bar near Miami University in Oxford. The incident was caught on tape showing the guy rolling around and screaming. Cops claim he was interfering during an arrest and had to be taken to a hospital when he had trouble breathing. Apparently officers continued to use their stun guns on the man because he never declared, “Don’t tase me bro,” the universal submission phrase for those under attack by stun gun. Channel 5 is quick to point out that the man shocked, Kevin Piskura, was the son of cop who graduated from Benedictine, cause we all know those are two traits synonymous with innocence. An investigation is underway to see if the officers acted properly and if my earlier joke was inappropriate. I think we all know the answer though.

John McCain Compares Himself to Youngstown, Popularity Rating Drops Severely

John McCain recently told a crowd at Youngstown State University that towns like Youngstown remind him of himself. You know, old, worn out, and boring. Okay, okay, what he really said was that his last campaign left him with no money or support and he came back to be the GOP candidate for president. Somehow he turned this slop into the idea that Youngstown and other hard-hit steel towns can also come back. Of course no specifics were offered because those are banned during presidential campaigns. Let me just be the first to thank Fox for using a picture of McCain speaking in Alabama to accompany this article. Genius, pure genius!

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Holy Shit, Basketball Season is Still Going On!

Alright, so maybe most of you know this, but I’ve been too concerned with baseball as of late. But, in case you forgot, the Cavs are on their way to the playoffs against the Wizards! You know, that team that used to be the Bullets, but that was too violent for our PC culture so they had to change the name. Funny, isn’t it? We can keep racist team names like Redskins, Braves, and of course, Indians, but Bullets has got to go! San Jose better hope the number of shark attacks in this country stays down or else they are going to have to start looking for another animal that looks good in teal. Anyway, the PD has got a playoff guide for all of Cavs fans, stat lovers, and bored workers looking for something to read. Are you ready to be witnesses to a first round loss? Ouch

Who’s That Lady?

Rosemary Vinci is on Cuyahoga County Auditor Frank Russo’s payroll, the problem is Commissioners Tim Hagan and Peter Lawson Jones have no idea who this woman is or what she does for the county. Shady? Yes. The Plain Dealer of course seized this opportunity to draw in scandal junkies by reporting that Commissioner Jimmy Dimora has not returned any calls regarding Vinci. In order to get the scoop, or at least a good reaction, two PD reporters headed down to a meeting Dimora was attending yesterday and asked him in person about Vinci. After accusing the duo of tabloid journalism Dimora had them removed. Jimmy takes no bullshit from nobody.

It’s Time to Get Back to Nature, With My Computer

State parks all over Ohio have started to add Wi-Fi connections. Mosquito Lake recently added Wi-Fi, a move that can’t really be viewed as that smart considering the name of the park is still Mosquito Lake. But, now if you are at the park, maybe hiking through Malaria ridge, or just having a picnic on Infested field, you can look up remedies for those bug bites. Find out where you can camp and cruise.

Some Other Things to Think About

Fox reports more on North Royalton’s outdoor smoking ban, Kent State spoils Journalism kids by upgrading a facility, and everyone is still riled up over an Illinois earthquake that could be felt in Cleveland.

Posted under Hometown

Why Does No One Ever Say “Cleveland,” When Asked the Anywhere in the World Question?

Six Alaskan high school seniors have changed that. When the class (yes, six is the whole class) had to decide where to go for their senior trip they picked C-Town. And do you know why? Let’s just say it’s the city’s single largest tourist attraction. No, not the Rock Hall, not the lake, but LeBron Motherfucking James. The PD reports that unbearable winters lead to lots of television time in Alaska, time that these students spend obsessing over the NBA. Now if all these kids deciding they wanted to go to Cleveland sounds just a bit too perfect, one student does admit that the Lakers are his favorite team. I guess we can let that slide, for now.

“Don’t like your teacher? Beat her up and we’ll fire her for you!”

I love when they handle the titles for me. Channel 3 reports that Kathy Boggins, a Buckeye High School teacher who was attacked by a 15-year-old student in September, will not be re-hired because the school board does not like the way she handled the situation. Yep, that’s the explanation for a woman losing her job because she was assaulted. Parents and students turned out to argue on Boggins behalf and dropped priceless quotes like the one above on an apparently deranged board. What a state, we allow students to be paddled and teachers to be beaten.

Smokers Move Closer to Second Rate Citizens in North Royalton

While most of the state is still figuring out how to enforce the smoking ban, what it actually entails, and what the hell is going on with the money from the added cigarette tax, North Royalton is simply tacking on new laws. That town now has an outdoor smoking ban, one that prevents smoking on any city-owned land including parking lots, fields, and parks. Some people see it as a way for people to enjoy summer events like little league games or fireworks displays without being exposed to smoke, but again how do you enforce this shit? If you are smoking in your car on a city owned road are you breaking the law? Do North Royalton City Hall employees have to walk really far away from the building to smoke now? Can I scream at someone smoking in North Royalton? I mean, these are real serious questions. You better get your shit straight, North Royalton.

Posted under Hometown

National City CEO Says, “Wha’ Happen?”

National City’s stock is down 77 percent in just one year while rumors about the bank being sold, and job loss for thousands of employees that call Northeast Ohio their home abound. Yesterday the Plain Dealer got together with National City CEO Peter Raskind to talk the turkey and find out how things went down hill so fast, what people in Northeast Ohio really need to know about the situation, what options the bank is exploring, and well, more questions that sort of seem like Raskind has prepared answers. All I know is I better not lose my Points.

With the Lottery League We’re All Winners! Or Something Like That

The 33 bands formed from the Lottery League (144 musicians randomly paired with other musicians they’ve never played with before) will be showing just what they have, or haven’t, been working on the past few weeks tomorrow at the Beachland. Maybe it was inevitable that Scene and The Free Times would pick up on this, but today we see The PD roll up their sleeves and go after the dirty, dirty truth.

Maybe We Were Right…

While our post below about an 11-year-old hero actually being the cause of a bus crash may have come as an attempt at a cheap laugh or a chance at making us look like pricks, there now appears to be some validity to our statements. I mean, not the part about drifting, but according to Channel 5 not everyone is buying the kid’s story now. The company that owns the bus is claiming that an emergency brake would have to be released in order for the bus to start moving and some kids that were on the bus are offering stories that contradict that of the hero’s. I would have appreciated a reference to the crack investigative journalist team here at MFC, Channel 5, but your silent nod will have to do.

Posted under Hometown

Pulitzer Voting Machines, Also Broken

Regina Brett has been the subject of many jokes here at MFC, and for good reason. The woman writes a mix of trite, deadline-meeting columns that read more like something from a soccer mom’s blog than a major newspaper and blatant tugs at the heartstrings of the easily emotional. I mean she wrote an article (linked above) about the benefits of school uniforms less than two years ago that said the same shit people have been saying since you were young enough to be in a uniform. Oh, and as some of you may have forgotten, her columnist photo - like most at the PD - just begs to be mocked. But enough of that, she has taken a lot of pot shots already. The real reason for this post is that Regina (who recently got her own page on the PD’s site) is a finalist for a Pulitzer…

Sorry, I had to pick my jaw up off the floor for about the hundredth time now. Sure, the woman can write whatever she wants however she wants, and she obviously has an audience that enjoys what she does, and that’s fine. But for her to be in the running for the most prestigious award in journalism is just a sham. I mean no one from the Plain Dealer even wanted to admit it, hence the fact that the article written about the event is credited to “The Plain Dealer Staff” and not an individual. Read up and freak out, I know I have.

Schlitz is One Step Closer to Cleveland

Looking for another cheap, classic, and of course ironic beer to slam down this summer? Well Pabst’s has reintroduced Schlitz to a third market now, this one Chicago. Coming on the heels of Minneapolis/St. Paul, where people drink anything, and Tampa, where old guys who had the shit originally can get all nostalgic at the pool, Chicago will now have the beer available in 10 markets. No word yet on where Cleveland comes on the list, but just look how clear and piss-like the beer in this photo looks. Mmmmm, classic American.

Let the Conspiracy Theories Come Rolling In!

Only here, at MFC, is anyone willing to speculate on the actual events surrounding the good deeds of an 11-year-old boy. Let’s paint a picture: evil, uncaring, irresponsible school bus driver leaves his bus to go into a gas station bathroom, probably to meet a hooker or do some blow. Of course this fool leaves his keys in the ignition and when the bus starts rolling towards a GIGANTIC and DEADLY semi an 11-year-old boy springs into action from the backseats, charges towards the front of the bus like Superman and turns the wheel allowing the bus to crash safely. That’s what the media wants you to think! But at MFC we’ve got other ideas. Lovable bus driver has IBS (that’s irritable bowel syndrome) and needs to use a restroom before he floods the bus with poop. In his panic that something may have already escaped his over-worked, sickly body the driver forgets he has left the keys behind. An 11-year-old who thinks he’s hot shit decides to try his hand at drifting (damn those Fast and Furious movies!) and ends up crashing the bus. Ha! There it is! Evidence, you want evidence! How about the fact that no one knows why the bus started rolling yet? I guess the wheels on the bus go round and round even if the driver isn’t on it.

MFC Video Team is Back!!!

That’s right, if, like me, you forgot a video page even existed on this website, forget no fucking more, baby! For now you can check out Guide to Ramen III: Guide to Cheesecake on YouTube, but believe when I say there is more to come.

Posted under Hometown

For All of You Who Have Been Waiting for Some New Scandal

Wow, The Plain Dealer does not like R.P. Carbone Co. or McTrust very much. In some highly detailed articles published today the PD scrutinizes the Ameritrust project like an actual newspaper. They’ve got the full story, from the Commissioners public meeting to decide on a contractor that lasted less than a minute, to their private meeting which violated Ohio law and also lasted a questionably short time, and the questionable McTrust company who seemed to have wooed the commissioners with their McDeal despite having ties to organizations that are under federal investigation. I could ramble on and place the “mc” prefix in front of a lot more words, but instead I’ll dish out the link. BAM! Go get informed!

Lt. Gov Pissed He Won’t be Scoring Any Cash for Selling Lake Erie Water

Lt. Governor Lee Fisher (when was the last time you saw his name in the news?) said Monday that in the future Ohio could respond to states with water shortages by giving them some H2O from lake Erie. Fisher did not make the prices available, but some reporters have stated seeing dollar signs in his eyes. After conservationists gawked and Fisher learned that Ted Strickland, a man who had recently discussed his plan to protect lake Erie waters, was his boss he retracted his statement by throwing a few maybes into it. This story gets even more packed with wacky Ohio politicians however. After hearing Fisher’s statements Rep. Matt Dolan who shares Strickland’s view stated, “Unlike Lt. Gov. Fisher, I do not want to facilitate the growth and economic development of other states - I want to grow Ohio’s economy.” Thanks Matt, we’ve now lost the support of 49 other states. New Jersey said they are still down to help us in our times of need, but seriously, who wants their help? Maybe I’ll just keep typing “water” until you have to pee.

Proposed Bill Hopes to Change Definition of “Volunteering”

Cleveland schools do not have enough volunteers. So how do you remedy the problem? Maybe offer a tax break for those that do volunteer? Pass out findings that suggest that with more volunteers comes a better education? Maybe just a good old guilt trip? Or, how about you force parents to volunteer and if they don’t you fine them? Guess what, that last one is what is being proposed right now. To make matters even worse all the school officials that Channel 5 spoke with seem to think this is a bad idea. So where did this shit come from? Maybe Lee Fisher proposed it without consulting anyone else first, I heard he was into that kind of shit.

Barbarian Robs Video Store

Once again Fox has managed to find a bizarre story that makes my job way too easy. Yesterday a man robbed a video store in the middle of the day with a huge sword. The shit had jewels on the handle. Police were able to arrest the man after a number of witnesses helped track him down. I guess running down the street with a sword in your hand has got to be pretty easy to spot. Still, I don’t know what’s more funny in this video, the guy’s sword or that cop’s haircut.

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