MyFriendCleveland

The Old Switcheroo May Not be a Problem

Jennifer Brunner cannot get enough of the news exposure. Instead of recapping all of Brunner’s recent escapades I will suggest you view the post below. Now that you are caught up, or just a lazy asshole who doesn’t give a shit about context, we can continue. The Plain Dealer recently reported that 20, 119 voters in Cuyahoga County switched parties to vote in the primary. Since then there has been speculation that any of these people could be guilty of election falsification because they pledged allegiance to one party, but were using their vote to help another. Well, Jennifer Brunner, who is one of four people that would decide whether to take legal action has stated that she is “hesitant” to prosecute because she doesn’t know at what point the government’s actions would become censorship. The PD has got the goods.

I Should Just Use Fox’s Headline

Following in the famous footsteps of people like the woman who got stabbed by a knife but didn’t notice it was lodged in her skull, comes the story of a Shiloh woman who was saved from a stray bullet thanks to a scarf wrapped around her head. As Fox points in out with their excellent, innovative, and of course, untrue title, “Woman Shot in Head Saved by Bulletproof Babushka.” Shit was not bulletproof, but its layers were enough to slow a bullet that was shot from nearly a mile away by two 17-year-olds that were firing rifles into the air. Luckily for 71-year-old Mary Keesy this happened as just the right time, because the other ladies down at the hair salon were getting tired of her always telling the same stories. What, too soon?

Fresh Isn’t Just Fringe Anymore

Wow, these title are getting to be painful. Here I am thinking Fox shouldn’t have called that woman’s scarf bulletproof and meanwhile I am dropping an attempt at alliteration. Sad. Well, keeping with the trend of being the only weekly paper in Cleveland to update their website on the day a new issue is released, The Free Times has a story on their site about the proliferation of local produce and other food products. The Northeast Ohio region has seen a large increase in this market recently and well, The Free Times talks about it. Maybe the reasoning doesn’t concern you, but you can at least peep some new locations to get your goods. Did I just type peep? You read, I’m done.

That’s Like Censorship, Man

Malone College, a private Christian college in Canton, is in the news today thanks to a retracted issue of their paper, which contained a picture of four naked male students standing in a dorm hallway with their genitals and faces blurred. The paper’s editor is complaining of censorship, but maybe someone just needs to remind her that she chose to go to a private Christian college in Ohio. These things happen, Ruth, WWJD… WWJD? You shouldn’t even know what genitals are anyway. Meanwhile the investigation is still open as to what this has to do with Easter.

Oh Boy, Fox Has Got a Doozie!

For those of your concerned about Fox’s commitment to accurate and insightful reporting, worry not. Today Fox graces us with a story about a dog. Not just any dog, however, but a dog that ate his owner’s income tax refund check! Zoinks! Oh Boy! Wow! Yep, this guy was just driving his truck when he gets a call up on the tele from his boy back home who says, “Dad, that dang dog is at it again!” “Oh no,” dad says, “What has that crazy mischievious pup done now?” “He got at some of your mail,” says the son, ”and he tugged it like he was in a tug-o-war.” “Oh no,” dad says, “Who was the mail from, son?” “Just some guy named Department O’ Treasury!” Ok, I can’t keep this up, but if you want more you can read about how the IRS laughed at the guy’s story before reissuing his check. What will that crazy dog do next!

It’s Okay to Hit Students, But Not Board Members

At the end of January we were kind enough to pass along a story about how parts of Ohio still use corporal punishment in schools. Maybe by now all the spanking jokes and sexual undertones have had time to settle, which means we can share this new story with you. In Brookfield the School Board President has been accused of slapping another board member during a private meeting between the two and now faces criminal charges. The President claims the other man hit him in the chest first and thus provoked the slap. All I know is we have some pretty interesting laws in this state if a grown ass man must go to court for slapping another grown ass man, but a school principal is allowed to spank kids with a paddle in private. What a place.

What Would a Week be Without a Little C-Notes?

Your not so favorite blog speculates Al Sharpton’s request to cancel the NFL’s Hall of Fame game in Canton, which normally kicks off the season. Sharpton is apparently not too happy with police conduct in that city (and C-Notes is apparently not too happy with writing that is funny. Zing!) and has sent information on the situation to players like Tank Johnson and Pacman Jones. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think I would want a guy whose first name is a giant weapon or a guy whose nickname conjures images of devouring every possible thing in one’s path with complete disregard to be speaking out against inappropriate police action. But hey, it is Al Sharpton.

Republicans Out to Kill a Good Time Yet Again

Over a month ago we passed along the news that Gov. Strickland – a man opposed to gambling in Ohio – would propose a bill that would allow for Keno in bars. The plan came in reaction to Ohio’s complete lack of money, but left gaming companies seeing red because Strickland was only allowing gaming that would profit the state, not private businesses. Well, it looks like that Keno plan is about to get shot down thanks to some Ohio Republicans with itchy opposition figures. Yesterday Senate President Bill Harris made the Governor drop a request for funds that would purchase Keno equipment from next week’s Controlling Board meeting. Apparently Strickland wanted to take $17 million dollars from an already ailing Ohio economy to purchase gaming goods. Now multiple Republicans, who said they were opposed to any sort of gambling in the first place, are stating that they will vote against Strickland’s plan, while one, State Sen. Ron Amstutz, says he will introduce a bill to kill Keno. Yes, there is at least one bad gambling pun in this article.

Democrats Out to Hide the Truth Yet Again

Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner, whose name has graced MyFriendCleveland more than LeBron James, has been unable to remove herself from the world of Cleveland news. Maybe that whole voting machine thing is dying down now, but Brunner is now starting to look a bit shady thanks to her rejections and nomination for Summit County Board of Elections. An editorial in the PD explains how Brunner rejected recommendations from Republicans for two candidates, one who had held the position in question for 30 years, before turning in a last minute decision to appoint her own attorney, a man who was in complete opposition to the Republicans first nominee. Of course this mess was moved to the Ohio Supreme Court where Brunner refused to answer questions, then demanded that the hearing be closed to reporters and video cameras, and have its transcripts sealed. Unfortunately for Brunner that ain’t the way shit works and the public is now well aware that she got suggestive information on all three Election Board nominees from Democratic board member Wayne Jones, a man who put the extreme back into partisan. And well,shit just got a lot more complicated.

And The Number of Legally Insane People in Ohio Keeps Growing

I almost can’t even type this, because I sort of just want to yell it. A woman in Elyria recently dumped out some fish sticks to find that 3 pairs of them had been stuck together in cross shapes. Of course rather than break these up and feed her children the woman decided that the food looked like the scene of Jesus’ crucifixion. Don’t worry, it only gets better. Like a long line of face-in-toast opportunists before her, the woman is now selling the sticks on E-bay. Now, let’s think about this for a minute. Fish sticks are sticks. When two sticks overlap they form a cross. None of these sticks were oddly shaped or had any sort of bizarre or intricate detail to them, they fucking overlapped. This is not news, this is a common occurence in the world of frozen foods. Go ahead, go buy some frozen french fries right now, I will guarantee that you find at least one cross inside and that is not a miracle. I don’t know who I feel more sorry for, the woman or Channel 5 for lacking an substantial news coverage whatsoever.

Yes, a Bit Regarding Elections

Fox was kind enough to point out that today’s Ward 6 council seat primary may end up costing $100 per vote to count. Sound absurd? Well here are the details. The state had to pay $46,000 to set up this election after the seat was left vacant by a councilwoman who became clerk of the council. At last count, only 304 registered voters in the Ward had voted, meaning that 46 grand was spent on preparing machines for 304 people. Fox also points out however that this primary marked the first use of new second-chance optical scan machines that will give voters a new ballot if mistakes are found on the first one they place in the machine. That’s good, right?

Everybody May Not Be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day, but They Can All be Drunk

Okay, so Monday isn’t exactly the most ideal day to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, but I’m sure everyone can still manage to squeeze a drink or ten in and The Plain Dealer is here to help. In case you don’t want to mix up some black and tans in your kitchen or get cozy with a bottle of Jameson in your living room, you can hit up one of the many Irish Pubs The Plain Dealer have listed in an article today. Feel free to smack anyone wearing one of those goofy green hats. Even the Cat in the Hat wouldn’t be caught dead in that shit. Posuers.

Holy Shit, Gisele Has Been to Akron

Shocked? Well here’s another punch to the gut. She was there to do a cover shoot for Vogue. Crazy? Well here’s another mind blower. LeBron is in the photo too, making him one of only three men to ever grace the cover of Vogue during its 116-year run. If the description of the photo offered by Channel 3 is accurate at all (“James appears on the cover dribbling a basketball and screaming as if in game mode while throwing one arm around supermodel Gisele Bundchen.”), this is going to be hilarious. LeBron screaming while grabbing onto a woman. Talk about fashion.

Gas or Donuts?

Gas prices aren’t the only thing going wayyyyy up recently, supplies for bakers have also seen a sharp increase. Everything from flour, sugar, butter, and eggs has become more expensive. Local bakers are trying to keep prices down, but don’t know how much longer they can afford to. As a result a baker’s dozen may now only contain 6-8 items. I’ve been waiting to use that one for a while. But seriously, who doesn’t budget for bakery?

Real Quick

If you notice flags at half-mast today it is to commemerate the life of former Ohio Democratic Senator Howard Metzenbaum who died last night. Meanwhile Black Keys drummer Patrick Carney fires back at Chrissy Hynde and Devo for dissing Akron. Go have a beer, it’s close enough to St. Patrick’s Day.

Only the Best of the Best Make it in Cleveland Politics

A Cleveland City Council seat was left vacant when Councilwoman Patricia Britt became the Council Clerk. Six candidates have already sprung up to run for the position, but they’re not exactly your typical Councilperson material. One has been convicted of murder, a factor that actually bans him from holding office, another pleaded guilty to forgery and stealing from a federal agency, yet another was brought up on drug charges, and one is thinking about filing for bankruptcy. Cream of the crop, eh? For voters it will be a question of past versus present, or maybe of how all these people ended up running for the same position. The PD has the full story.

He Should Have Sent it to Dear Abby

You’re in prison awaiting trial for a number of robberies you committed across three counties in Ohio. What do you do? Maybe talk to your lawyer about a plan, file for a plea bargain, read some books, lift some weights, write a letter to a friend about robbing and murdering possible witnesses and how to clean up afterwards. Well, for Richard Delaney that last one seemed like the best course of action. Unfortunately Delaney’s letter was read before even being sent out (is that legal?) and now the dude has conspiring to commit aggravated murder charges on top of everything else. Delaney is apparently going to try the “as a goof” defense. Good luck, fella.

Get Your Film On

Okay, so we’re a little behind, but the Cleveland International Film Festival opened on March 6th. You can get info about films, times, tickets, etc. right here. And WCPN recently interviewed Bill Gentzler, the artistic director of the festival who spends much of his time in dark rooms across the world. You can listen to that interview here.

Quick Scraps

It’s official, Progressive has ruined the Indians home field, but don’t worry cause Ohio now has their own Ikea, and The Cavs still know what the fans want, replacement tickets for Saturday night’s hard to get to game.

Up in the Sky! It’s a Politician, It’s a Labor Leader, It’s Super Delegate!

Hopefully you don’t rely on MyFriendCleveland for all your political news, because during our recent hiatus (I was on safari in Southern Ohio, shit’s wild) Hillary Clinton won the Ohio primary by more than 200,000 votes. But, The Plain Dealer is quick to point out that much like the presidential election, the popular vote doesn’t always equal the end result. See, each state has super delegates whose votes account for the result of the primary. In Ohio there are 21 super delegates and so far the 8 who have voted have been split: 4 for Clinton, 4 for Obama. That means 13 super delegate votes are still up for grabs. Still, as The Plain Dealer reports, super delegates often follow the popular vote for their area in order to represent the people. And yes, you must wear a cape when placing this kind of vote.

The Water Main may have Stopped Flowing, but the Green Beer Won’t

Yesterday’s water main break in Public Square may be a little worse than first imagined. The city is claiming that it will now take about three weeks to fix all the damage and that travel near Public Square should be avoided. Luckily Channel 3 went after city officials with the hard shit as usual and discovered that St. Patrick’s Day events, including the parade, will not be affected by the recent damage. What does this mean? Well the 25 people who were planning on going downtown that day can still do so. I could go for a beer right about now.

Zach Reed Tries Hard to Prove He Does More than Just Drink

Everybody’s favorite alcoholic Councilman is back in the news! Wait, what’s this? Reed isn’t partying with co-eds on West 6th or passing out in his car? Nope, he is arguing that Cuyahoga County should not have been able to impose a sales tax in order to raise money for a medical mart without the approval of residents. Wait to go, Zach! It looks like the drunken haze has faded and you remembered you were a politician.