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Brunner Strikes Again!

Our Secretary of State has not been having the easiest time lately. After all the time and money invested in her voting machine research, it seems parts of Ohio still aren’t cooperating. Well Jennifer Brunner has been fighting another issue since 2002 with similar results. Sen. Ray Miller has been consistently late in filing campaign finance reports and Brunner has been after him with complaints for years now. Well, The State Elections Commission finally caught up with Miller and slapped a $1,500 fine on him. Brunner, however, is not happy with this fine. She was hoping that the punishment would have been more severe. See, Miller can pay this fine with campaign money and he doesn’t really seem to give a shit, at least that is what his lawyer is saying by stating that Miller agrees with the fine. Someday we’ll get them, Jennifer, someday.

Cleveland Clinic Might as Well Change the Name of the City

While the city is scrambling to find money - and robbing the education program in the process - The Cleveland Clinic and University Hospitals are throwing out $6 million to have RTA name a bus route the HealthLine. Oh, but don’t worry, in case you have some extra money you’d like to see wasted, RTA is also selling names for 60 stations on the new HealthLine. I’m thinking about starting a fund to name one of the stations Boner Crossing. It’s medical right? And I know what you’re thinking, “Is it worth the money for a little school-boy snicker?” Well, yes, because most likely RTA will say we can’t name it that and then we can sue. Damn it! Use your heads people!

Shit! I Meant to Use the Knife!

In Akron a dude tried to rob two men outside of a video store by holding them up with a cologne bottle. The would be robber also had a knife on him, but decided to go with the cologne instead. Unfortunately for him the two men figured out his scam and proceeded to kick his ass. It seems he also picked the worst possible video store in Akron when an employee there who had marital arts training helped take him down. As if the ass-kicking weren’t enough, the cologne also broke open in the process leaving the man smelling like a frat guy. The dude is currently being held on a $75,000 bail while he tries to figure out what he will tell his cellmate when he asks, What are you in for?”

Meanwhile In Other Parts of Cleveland!

A Cleveland officer makes the force proud by getting fired over drug charges, the mayor throws out some well-written excuses during his city address, and the shitty weather could make for new records if we just overlook that leap year thing.

Posted under Hometown

Too Punk for Kindergarten

Yeah, I can remember back in kindergarten being pretty badass. If some motherfucker even thought about going for the Smurf toys before me he would get his ass curbed on the ledge of a toy chest. And this was in the ’80s, so we are talking wooden toy chest, none of this tupperware shit. Well it looks like one kid is still keeping it real in Parma. Little dude has been showing up to class with a spiked mohawk. Unfortunately the school (fucking man always coming down on our shit) has decided that the mohawk is a distraction to other students and suspended the boy. The boy’s mother is not very happy with the decision, insisting that her son has been singled out and that no one can tell her how to cut his hair. I can’t wait until the weather gets nicer and everyone sees the kid’s tats. Rebel without a nap time.

Clinton Tells Lorain She Will Take on Herself

Before last night’s debate Hillary Clinton was campaigning in Lorain. Clinton said that she will “champion” the middle class, whom she thinks she met once, and that she is, “willing to take on the wealthy and the well-connected.” Have fun fighting all your friends and family, Hillary, we’ll be watching, just like the Rocky River Democratic Club did last night. Get their feedback.

Teachers May Finally Have Rules in Ohio

In March the Ohio Department of Education is expected to start using a “Professional Code of Conduct.” The code is supposed to be clearer about the way teachers and other school staff can act. In other words while past handbooks may not have said “You cannot invite students over and watch porn with them,” as was the case with a Madison High School teacher, the new Code will make clear that this is not cool. I can’t believe Mansfield is the only place talking about this.

Posted under Hometown

The End of Cleveland’s Best Blog?

For those unaware, the Cavs took part in a huge 3 team, 11-player trade yesterday that saw the exit of Larry Hughes, Drew Gooden, Shannon Brown, Ira Newble, and Donyell Marshall and the addition of Ben Wallace amongst others. You can get all the details from the PD. What is more concerning at the moment is what will happen to HeyLarryHughesPleaseStopTakingSoManyBadShots.com, a blog that entertained more than the Cavs this season. If the subject of the blog is no longer on the Cavs what will happen to the site? Well, the guy behind it is debating that right now and asking for suggestions via comment. So maybe you should head there, have a few laughs, and then tell him what you think. I hope you didn’t think I was talking about MyFriendCleveland. Wink, wink.

Cleveland Blog You Love to Hate, Suddenly Worth Reading

That’s right damn it, I’m about to link not one, but two articles in C-Notes. Maybe the “worth reading” label was a little strong, as the humor is as flat as usual, but the info here is worth the browsing. First off, Sean Penn and Dennis Kucinich hit up a Ringworm concert together. I think I’m just going to stop there and make you find out the rest for yourself. Second, for all of you interested in coffee, or those of you who like to look cultural and/or well versed in food and beverage, Phoenix Coffee is hosting a free “coffee cupping,” which C-Notes eloquently describes as “the coffee version of wine tasting.” Mmmm, snobby. So go ahead, delight in C-Notes discoveries, I won’t hate you, at least not after a couple of days.

I Don’t Think “Ooops!” is the Right Word to use When Someone is Released From Prison Prematurely

Way back in October, you know before you woke up every day dreading to go outside, MFC posted about a St. Joe’s Academy bookkeeper swiping (I can’t believe I used the same wording twice) over $400,000 from the school. Colleen Kempf, the bookkeeper, was sentenced to four years behind bars a result, but was strangely just release after only 120 days. Of course a number of people took this like a slap across the face and with the handprint still red called the prosecutor’s office. Shortly after the prosecutor took action, by having his staff take action and contact the Governor’s office, the Ohio Department of Corrections reversed it’s decision and Kempf was taken back to prison. No word yet on whether this was an actual mistake. Get the rest.

Posted under Hometown

Strickland Gets Twitchy

Ah, the power of video. It is often argued that the reason JFK won the presidential election was because of how damn good he looked during the nation’s first televised debate. Well now, we get to see our own Governor twitchy and squirming like he’s been locked in an interrogation room for 24 hours. It seems Ted could not handle the pressure aimed at him from Wisconsin Gov. Jim Doyle and Fox reporter Chris Wallace on the latter’s show. Strickland’s movements have caused some to question his health, but a spokesman has already stated that the governor just had too much coffee and too little sleep. The PD has got more details and link to the video. Shake your way on over.

Speaking of Politics-Related Video…

Hillary Clinton decided to stop by a Parma Diner as part of her campaign march through Ohio, and while she may have wanted it to look like a simple stop in a quaint place, The PD has the breakdown on how Clinton decided on Grace’s Grill, had her campaign workers spend six hours rearranging the restaurant to their liking, and even how they picked the crowd. In case you had any doubts that Clinton’s campaign was highly scripted you need look no further than this piece where the owner of Grace’s Grill mentions that no regulars were in attendance and that while setting up campaign workers had to take photos to send back to HQ where they were checked to see if they matched the script. Oh, and there is video that starts with Parma ladies getting all worked up as they gush over how “pretty” Hillary looks. It’s worth a laugh if nothing else.

Meanwhile Back in Local Politics…

…Dennis Kucinich is still being berated. Kucinich, who has won most of his 6 congressional terms via landslide, seems to be having a much more difficult time this year. Kucinich just dropped out of the presidential election back in January - the obvious runt of the litter - and was probably expecting to head back to Cuyahoga County and be the big dog once again. Well, we’re sorry, little guy, but these new guys are ready to take some serious shots at you. During a debate yesterday Kucinich was attacked by four opponents. One stated that Kucinich, “had missed too many House votes, had a poor record for getting bills passed and had more interest in his movie-star friends than blue-collar Cleveland.” Ouch. I’m still waiting for UFOs to come up.

The Pretenders Love Metro RTA!

Well, at least Chrissie Hynde does. Hynde took a ride on an Akron city bus to show support for a sales tax increase in Summit County that would raise massive funds for public transportation. If the increase goes through sales tax would hit 6.5 percent. The issue will be on the March 4th ballot. More here, people.

One More Thing

There’s a new review up in the reviews section. This one is for Loom’s new EP titled Angler. Check it out.

Posted under Hometown

More Like Dumb Enforcement Agency!

The US Justice Department is in the process of making the DEA look like a bunch of assholes for their work in Mansfield. So far 23 indictments have been dropped because of mistakes. DEA agent Lee Lucas is the man behind most of these flubs, using false information from informant Jerrell Bray to make bad arrest after bad arrest. The problem is Lucas was called out on his shit, but chose to ignore indications that the information he was receiving was false. For more on this colossal clusterfuck check the PD’s report.

You Couldn’t Hold Out for an NHL Game?

Last night twelve couples were married during an intermission at a Lake Erie Monsters Hockey Game. Yeah, re-read that if you want, but it’s true. To make things even better the ceremonies had to be rushed so the zamboni had time to clean the ice. To make things even more better (someone needs to start editing this shit) the marriages were part of a local radio station contest. Just imagine the look of excitement on a young girl’s face when her fiance tells her he won them a wedding during a minor league hockey game intermission. Sheer bliss, that’s what you call it.

New Place for Kids to Get Boob Fix

In Medina parents are raising a stink over a recently opened Family Video that has an adult film section. There have been no complaints of children entering the section, but the mere fact that the store is located near a grade school has some prudes freaking out. Meanwhile when questioned about the store a grade school student we will call Bobby stated, “Why am I going to try and sneak in that section when I can just look at boobs on my computer at home?” while his friend added, “The gas station by the school has Playboy and Hustler, I scope those on a regular basis so I don’t need no DVDs.” That’s just swell, fellas.

You Think We’d Leave You With no Talk of Politics?

Hillary Clinton is in Ohio. Yesterday she stopped by the General Motors plant where she held up a pair of boxing gloves to indicate that a fighter was needed in the White House. This was an interesting and useful tactic until Gus Johnson, a 15-year vet of the GM plant, offered to box Clinton so she could prove her fighter status. Needless to say Clinton will probably be sticking with the whole “pen is the mightier than the sword” thing now. Clinton is supposed to be at a Cleveland-area high school today, of course we don’t know which one because Fox hasn’t learned about the 5 Ws and H yet. Also, Chelsea Clinton and Michelle Obama are currently in Ohio, but neither has offered to fight anyone yet either. Watch out for that left hook.

Posted under Hometown

The Battle Royal Moves to Cleveland

Bill may have started the party in Cleveland, but on February 26th it looks like Hillary will finally join in. CSU will be hosting a debate between Clinton and Obama that day, which will be moderated by the always robot-like duo of Brian Williams and Tim Russert. While Hillary Clinton has proposed one debate a week, Obama has been less likely to step up to the mic, stating that he has already taken part in 18 debates and would like to focus more on speaking personally with voters. In fact, Cleveland should feel pretty damn lucky considering that Obama only has one other scheduled debate, this one in Texas. You better get your seats now if you hope to yell something out and/or get tasered.

Heroin Rings Move to Westlake

There has been a recent surge in violent acts committed by high school students, and now Fox 8 is reporting that several arrests have been made at Westlake High in connection to a heroin ring. No, this is not a piece of jewelry made from heroin as I am positive most of you thought, it is a network of people working together in the drug trade. And no, drug trade does not mean that drug dealers are resorting to the barter system, they still want cash. Cold, hard, delicious cash. Now, what’s interesting about this story is its use of quotes, instead of adding extra information or clarifying some point we get, “It shouldn’t really be a surprise to anybody.” said Capt. Turner, “These two 17-year-old boys were one step up from users.” I’m sorry Captain Turner, but if I didn’t know that these boys were involved in a heroin ring, it sure as hell does come as  a surprise, so please stop trying to read my mind. Get Turner’s other priceless tidbits here.

Akron Mayor Sets Up College Fund for Every Kid In Akron

Akron Mayor Don Plusquellic has proposed a new education plan that will pay for any student who has attended an Akron high school to go to the University of Akron. Plusquellic is expecting philanthropists and businesses to start filling in a replica of Scrooge McDuck’s Money Bin that he recently built. To start things off Plusquellic plans to sell Akron’s sewer system for about $250 million. Sure, it would be nice to go to college for free, but without plumbing it’s probably going to suck. Come on! You thought that was funny.

Posted under Hometown

What Else do you Want?

Anti-smoking groups have already conquered Ohio. The smoke-free workplace, restaurant, and bar are all in place, while the rate of teenage cigarette use has dropped. So what else could they possibly want? Well, now they want to tax other tobacco products, such as chewing tobacco and, ahem, “small cigars” with the same rate as cigarettes, which is 55%. It seems the use of these products has not dropped amongst teens at all; showing that packing lippers and rolling a doobie is still quite in style. So yeah, raise those taxes! Make teens turn to a cheaper outlet, like drugs.

Which Way Does Cleveland Swing?

The Free Times reports (just below a piece about education cuts which are part of that masterful Keno plan) that 16 Cuyahoga County Democratic groups met in Lakewood last Thursday to get some idea of how Democrats in the area would vote come the primary. Kucinich, and most of his opponents, were also in attendance to chat up their fellow Dems. Sorry, no interesting Dennis anecdotes today. At the end of the night the results were tallied and here is what it looked like… one vote for Mike Gravel, one vote for Joe Biden, two votes for Dennis Kucinich (this marked his largest take of the season), 7 votes for John Edwards, 34 votes for Hillary Clinton, and 73 votes for Barack Obama. Maybe we won’t need a recount after all.

Where’s the Money?

Back in December we informed you of a legal battle between a homeowner and contractor/friend who discovered Depression-era cash in the walls of a bathroom he was remodeling. The money was valued at $180,000 and the contractor was not willing to merely take a 10% finder’s fee leading to an ongoing legal battle. Now, there are a couple new problems. First off is the fact that the homeowner, Amanda Reece, says that she’s somehow gotten rid of 90% of the money. Second, descendants of the home’s original owner are now claiming that the money belongs to them, because it once belonged to their relative. Let’s just say money isn’t the only thing coming out of the woodwork here! I feel like I should be sweating on some tiny stage while wearing an ugly tuxedo and having vegetables thrown at me. Still, it’s a better position to be in than these people.

Who’s a Perv?

A health club manager in Solon is being charged with voyeurism after placing a camera in the ceiling of a tanning room. A woman noticed the camera after she had finished tanning and then went to the manager to inform him. Dude asked the woman to fill out a report while he hauled ass back to the room, removed the camera, and then returned and asked the woman if she was really sure she saw something. Luckily, after noticing the camera was gone, the woman did not give herself the old “I must be losing it!” speech and instead, called the police. Perv.

Posted under Hometown

I’ll Take a Bud and a Keno Card

Hey, remember when people wanting gambling in Ohio? Gov. Ted Strickland made sure he put his foot down on that, keeping games like the deadly, prostitution-causing Tic Tac Fruit out of our watering holes. Well, now there’s a problem. Ohio is hard up for money, cuts have already been made to the Department of Education, and other state funded programs like The Department of Agriculture are stepping in to help by… turning down all the their thermostats. Because of this lack of funds Strickland has proposed a new plan, one that allows lottery-style games, not games of chance. Strickland wants to put Club Keno games into bars hoping to raise $73 million a year in the process. Of course Ohio Skill Games, the company behind Tic Tac Fruit, is pissed, seeing Strickland’s move as a hypocritical one that is throwing around the term “lottery” simply to cover up the fact that only the government will be benefiting from this style of gambling, not private citizens. Still most people are overlooking a serious issue here. How are going to feel slamming back some shots while a 75-year-old woman is trying to get her Keno on next to you? Unless you’re into that, you sick asshole.

Voting, Voting, Voting… Voting

Let’s dish this out real quick like. The voting machines currently set to be used in Cuyahoga Country, as well as many other parts of the state, have problems. Memory cards erase votes, systems are confusing, blah blah blah. Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner stepped in last month to order the state to get new machines. Yesterday, The Cuyahoga County Commissioners voted to spend $1.4 million on renting new optical scan machines. Only one of three commissioners voted against the decision stating that, “the system we’re prepared to adopt was just decertified in the state of Colorado because of security problems.” Basically we’re all screwed. Put on a happy face and keep it through the recounts.

Rock Hall’s Got Something Good, Hopefully

February is Black History Month, a month The Rock Hall dedicates to black music. This year the focus will be on famed Memphis label Stax records. For those of you not familiar with Stax, I’m going to say Otis Redding and leave it at that. The Rock Hall will be sponsoring a number of events to celebrate Stax, so check it out.

Posted under Hometown