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I Did Not Have Unkind Words for that Man

Bill Clinton arrived in C-town yesterday (meanwhile other candidates are starting to drop) and started the party by hitting up Tri-C’s eastern campus in Highland Hills. Ok, so maybe that is not the way I would start a party, but at least he didn’t go looking for dinner in The Flats based on Halle Berry’s recommendation. While at Tri-C Bill dropped a 50-minute speech that included no attacks on, ahem, other candidates. As The Plain Dealer reports, it seems Hillary’s people are keeping Bill in check after his comments over the weekend about Barack Obama, which insinuated that Obama winning South Carolina was no big thang because Jesse Jackson had done the same in 1984 and 1988. And while Bill could be trying to point out that winning South Carolina is no big deal because you could end up like Jesse Jackson - a man who never became president and whose fake speeches on SNL are watched more than his real ones now - he also just seems a tad bitter about Obama’s clear victory of the state. If you’re interested in what Bill did have to say, read on.

You Must be Pretty Unpopular if You Can’t Buy an Election

It has recently come to light to Lakewood’s incumbent mayor, Tom George, received $119,000 from Democratic fat-pockets donor David Maltz towards the close of the election. Despite this huge sum (other local mayoral candidates spent anywhere from $10,000 to $50,000 on their campaigns total) George still lost the election. Now the issue is whether municipal election contributions need to be kept in check the way state and federal elections are, or whether dudes who like to throw around their money - with no shady intentions - should be allowed to aid candidates. Maybe George could have won the election if, instead of using the money on campaign commercials, he would have taken out $100,000 in one dollar bills and made it rain on Lakewood. I should get into campaign managing.

French Still Pissed About Freedom Fries

A French news agency sent a New York-based reporter to the Cleveland area to report on the subprime lending crisis. The recently published article that resulted from the trip described a ghost town with empty streets and trash blowing. And, yeah, there are areas of Cleveland that look like this now, but dude said he was in Shaker Heights. After complaints were raised by residents of the area, it was learned that the reporter had actually visited Mount Pleasant. Now Shaker Heights mayor Earl Leiken is trying to play the tough guy by saying that the removal of the first article and replacement with a new corrected one is not enough to make up for the insult. Instead he says that he may ask for a retraction that goes on to describe how wonderful Shaker Heights actually is. Like the French give a shit.

Meet the Man Who’s Whacking Your Children

Twenty-nine states now ban corporal punishment in schools, but Ohio is not one of them. Because of this we get areas like the Mogadore school district. Besides sounding like it some kind of creature from Lord of the Rings, Mogadore offers students the choice between getting a whack from a paddle or serving a 30 minute detention when they do horrible, horrible things like say, talking or being late to class. Not to worry though the principal in charge understands what’s going on, I mean he dishes out the pain himself, in his office, alone, and says things like, “It’s not difficult. I’ve been doing it for 30 years, so it’s old school for me.” Well, I feel a whole lot better now.

Work Time-Killers

Holy shit! Everyone is freaking out over potholes! Read the article add more to the list! Complain about having to pay attention to the road! Holy shit! Everyone is freaking out over the wind! Read about power outages!

Now that you’re all riled up, I’d like to take it down a notch. So why don’t slip into something more comfortable and read this article about marijuana vending machines. No, it doesn’t have to do with Cleveland, but I’m sure by now you’ve already clicked.

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You Break 500 and Suddenly You Can Up Ticket Prices

The Browns announced today that ticket prices for the 2008 season will increase. What’s impressive is that this is the first time prices have been raised since 2005, what’s not impressive is the organization citing labor costs and other league economics instead of cashing in on a pretty damn good season as reasons behind the hike. Still, tickets will now on average cost about $66, which is a hell of a lot cheaper than say New England’s average of $121. Those high prices are of course a result of every ticket holder receiving free headshots of Tom Brady at each game. I wonder if the price of beer went up.

I Thought Kucinich Had This Shit Locked Up!?

Let’s just say I’m tired of writing about Dennis Kucinich. With him in the news so often now, it’s getting harder to come up with jokes. So just go watch this video of him dropping out of the presidentail race. Vegan! Short! UFOs! Slave Songs! Go!

Police Love Leaving Crack Houses “Known” and Open

A Canton woman left her 6-week-old granddaughter in a car out in the cold while she entered a known crack house. Police were alerted to the situation by the child’s mother and arrested the grandmother for child endangering and resisting arrest. Now here’s a question. If this crack house is “known” why is still in operation? Couldn’t someone argue entrapment? Why would police leave a crack house open? Is arresting multiple drug users that much more important than shutting down the source of the drugs? The report also states that there were no drugs found at the scene. Did the cops try going in the house? I guess that would have been a hassle. Grandma’s a bigger threat anyway.

What’s Better, Burning or Green?

Twenty miles of the mighty Cuyahoga turned green Wednesday, and I am not making reference to some Today Show sponsored event for environmental awareness; shit was literally the color of grass. EPA tests claim that the green water is non-toxic and merely a result of tracing dye used for testing drains and sewers. There has also been no word yet as to whether the green water will turn your pet turtles into a teenaged ninjas that love pizza, but hey I guess that would be hard anyway unless you had a rat to train them. I really out did myself this time.

FINALLY

There is a review of Foxy Shazam’s new album over in the ol’ reviews section. So read it!

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And the Winner Is…

The Academy Award Nominations dropped and BAM! we’ve got two Clevelanders riding the success train. Hal Holbrook was nominated for his supporting role in “Into the Wild,” while Ruby Dee was nominated for her supporting role in “American Gangster.” Hopefully they know more about Cleveland than Halle Berry. Shops and restaurants in the Flats!? Shit.

That’s Gay

A UCLA study based off of information from a “Census Snapshot” shows that 12,000 children in Ohio are being raised by same sex couples. The reaction to these reports is as to be expected. A researcher behind the study hopes that the fact that same sex couples make less money than married couples will help push legislature through that will allow for gay marriages, and in turn, same-sex couples to share benefits with each other and their children. On the other side of the coin David Miller, who is VP over at Gay-Bashing Inc. ahem, sorry about that, Citizens for Community Values, the group who partied over the idea of the 2004 state-wide gay marriage banning, thinks that, “They’re trying to create some kind of study that says gays and lesbians are everywhere.” So eloquent and insightful, David. For more results of the study and more WTF arguments from David point your cursor here.

LeBron <3 New York

First thing first, the graphic accompanying this article, a tribute to the talented people at Fox, may make you vomit due to sheer hideousness. Now, onto the piece! It seems LeBron James is not willing to hush up his love for the Yankees and come March Nike will help him shout it out. LeBron’s new shoes will feature Yankees colors, the famous pinstripes, and a Yankees-style cheer for LeBron under the tongue. The shoes will most likely only be sold in NYC and there has been no word yet as to whether LeBron will actually wear the shoes in games. Sports Talk Radio just found a topic for the next three weeks. The phone lines are lighting up already!

Some Quick Shit

If you like books, DVDs, or CDs you may want to head out to swanky Bay Village between Saturday and Tuesday because their library is hosting a huge sale. In case you thought we were going to go for an entire post without mentioning something about the election, guess again! Classes on how to use the new voting machines are being held all over Cuyahoga County, so if you want to make sure your vote doesn’t end up in the WRONG bin you might want to attend one of these. Finally, the Ohio Supreme Court case concerning whether a coroner can return a body minus some parts (they’re needed for investigations you perverts) or, in this case the brain of Christopher Albrecht, begins today.

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So this isn’t news or anything, but we just thought we’d let everybody know that in our “links” section there is now a link to Andy’s latest addition to the blogosphere (which is a stupid word).

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And The Hate Keeps Pouring In…

If you’d kindly look to the post below you will notice a bit of news about Dennis Kucinich and his recent exclusion from a televised debate. Well, as if being excluded wasn’t bad enough for Dennis, who only recently agreed to take part in a debate for his current congressional position, now he has haters calling him a hypocrite. Not just any haters however, but former Alaska Senator and Democratic presidential hopeful, Mike Gravel. Or at least someone who is a Gravel fan. Anyways, in a YouTube video Kucinich is shown on Democracy Now where he says he can’t believe Clinton and Edwards did not mention his exclusion from the recent Nevada debate. The video then moves to Mike Gravel speaking after he was barred from an earlier debate in Philadelphia. Gravel talks about censorship and the fact that no one mentioned his exclusion, and then we get the clincher. These words appear on the screen: “Dennis, you failed to highlight Mike Gravel’s exclusion when you had the chance. How can you expect the other candidates to mention your exclusion?” Damn, someone just stuck it to Dennis Kucinich via YouTube and poor editing techniques, shit is getting reallllll serious.

ACLU Hates on Paper Ballots

Just when you thought they had this voting shit figured out… the Ohio ACLU wants to stop Cuyahoga County’s use of paper ballots. The organization filed a lawsuit yesterday saying paper ballots are unconstitutional because they don’t allow for the correction of mistakes. Touch-screen machines would alert voters to the fact that they voted too many or too few times, but paper ballots leave no room for correction meaning that ballots filled out incorrectly will simply be placed in the circular filing cabinet (that’s the trash can, get it?). The ACLU says that a system that does not inform of mistakes, “disproportionately results in lost votes in heavily African-American precincts,” and that the use of different forms of voting in the same state violates equal protection laws. Jennifer Brunner and company seem unfazed by the lawsuit however, claiming that it’s too late to be taking action now, and that the use of paper ballots is legal and protected. I’m still waiting for the recounts.

Cleveland hates Progressive

Progressive is a fast and relentless evil. The company that recently purchased the name of the Indians’ stadium removed the Jacobs Field sign this morning. Some people stopped to take pictures with one man remarking to Channel 3 news, (if you read this in a Brooklyn accent it makes the whole thing a lot more fun) “I was just comin’ by, I was doing some business, and I realized that they’re actually taking the Jake’s name down. So I thought I’d stop by and snap off a couple of pictures for some memories.” Then he headed off to have a slice with Joey before bashing some goon’s head in. It’s a sad day for the Tribe.

Just a Few Things to Think About, and Possibly Hate

The PD has a bevy of information about the Hanna Theater renovation and all the top notch updates being made, Newsnet 5 offers a list of events for the upcoming MLK day, and Fox News continues to show why they are just so damn professional with a story about why PETA is just so damn professional and the fact that monkeys can’t sue.

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Someone’s Dumb Enough to Buy Property Downtown

In 2005 Cuyahoga County bought the vacant Ameritrust property at the corner of E. 9th and Euclid for $22 million. The purchase was lauded as a debacle and then, in true Cleveland fashion, the city poured $15 million more into the project before abandoning it. Now the Plain Dealer is reporting that someone else has bid on the property. The K&D group, who already have a number of downtown projects, were the only bidder on the property offering $35,005,000. If K&D are given the property they plan to construct a 10-block project that will include fancy-ass (words used in the official press release) hotel, sweet-ass apartments, and some real serious offices. If you like looking at concept sketches with their perpetually blue skies, glimmering sidewalks and gleaming automobiles, don’t worry, this article has them. Now we just have to hope the city doesn’t turn down the offer because Nike has offered more money to drape another Lebron ad over what’s already there.

George Bush Hates Black People and Little Kids

The Bush administration (you know what comes next has to got to be good) recently turned down Ohio’s plan to offer government health care to thousands of kids who currently have none. Governor Strickland proposed raising the amount of money a family is allowed to bring home and still be eligible to have government provided health care for their children to three times the poverty line, but the boys in Washington are only willing to go up to 2 and a half times the poverty line. Luckily, Ohio seems to have some friends. Democrats from Montana, Michigan, and California sent a letter to the Health and Human Services Secretary lambasting the decision. Get more here.

America Hates Dennis Kucinich

After claiming a massive 1% of the vote in the New Hampshire primary Kucinich is now fighting to be allowed to join in a televised debate in Nevada. Last week, after inviting Kucinich to participate, MSNBC withdrew their invitation to the cheeky Ohio politician. But, if Dennis’s recent bizarre demand for a recount in New Hampshire is an indication, he does not take being hated easily. Instead Kucinich took the decision to a Nevada court where Senior Clark County District Court Judge Charles Thompson (try saying that five times fast) stated that Kucinich could participate and, if not allowed, an injunction to stop the debate would be issued. Well apparently MSNBC is not ready to have UFOs and slave songs be aired on their station and are now appealing the decision with the Nevada Supreme Court. Dennis Kucinich, destined to only be viewed on YouTube.

Maybe We Aren’t the Best Blog in Cleveland

If you are a Cavs fan, a Cavs fan frustrated by Larry Hughes poor performance, or just someone who likes to laugh we’ve got a blog for you. And, if you aren’t any of those, then you are just an asshole and you shouldn’t use the internet. Ahem. So about this blog. Hey Larry Hughes, Please Stop Taking So Many Bad Shots is a game-by-game analysis of Larry Hughes shots and all-around sucking. After each game highlights of Larry’s shots, a diagram of where the shots came from, and some other laugh-inducing comments are posted. There are also some non-game related posts like an attempt to raise $30 in order to buy Larry an instructional basketball video for his birthday, possible words to describe Larry Hughes such as “Salarycapdisasteriffic,” and New Year’s Resolutions from the Cavs that involve slapping Larry Hughes and never passing the ball to him again. Come on! Have a laugh!

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Indians Finally Succumb to Name Game

In an era of sports where most stadiums are corporately owned, and of course corporately named, Jacobs Field has stood as a bastion against such poor nomenclature, instead opting to remind us of some rich guy with the last name Jacobs. Well now it seems the Indians organization has finally given in. Yesterday the Indians came to an agreement with Progressive Insurance that will re-name the stadium; you guessed it, Progressive Field. The Plain Dealer, who has gained this information from a “source close to the team” before the official announcement today, is already running a poll asking what the stadium’s new nickname will be. The Jake worked great for Jacobs Field, but Prog seems like it might just make people recall rock dinosaurs like Rush and Yes, who are even bigger losers than the Indians. Zing! Anyway, fret not about losing one of the last true stadium names because at least we got to keep our racist team name.

Cleveland Man Helped Shake Down Nazis in Secret Military Facility

How’s that for a straightforward headline. The Plain Dealer’s Metro blog, which I seem to be referencing more and more these days, has a story about a Mayfield Heights man who worked at a secret Washington DC military facility during WW II. The facility was only known as PO BOX 1142 (how many teens just called their friends with their new band name?) and was used for interrogating Nazi POWs. George Weidinger discusses the operation (something he didn’t even talk to his wife about) in the PD’s piece. Check it out.

Remember the Smoking Ban?

Oh, Channel 3, you are like a poor confused little child. Reporting that the smoking ban is having no problems because only 2 Cuyahoga County businesses have been fined thus far. You could have just asked around, you would have found places where smoking still goes on unabated in order to offer both sides of the story, but hey I guess that would have been reporting. And listen, you didn’t really need to make that ominous title, “Smoking Ban: Unexpected Results” stick by trying to make dry cleaners look like victims thanks to less clothing and linens smelling like smoke. People cured that problem when Febreeze hit the market, and besides the dry cleaner you talked to even said, “it is not really hurting business, but it is felt.” I’m sorry, little guy, but there’s nothing unexpected here.

Some Juicy Tidbits

Here are couple more things to check out in case you’ve hit a slow period in the office, or you’re just a lazy asshole that spends all day browsing the internet. A two-year study on wind over Lake Erie shows that just six wind turbines could power 6,000 homes. That blows. Wow, hope I can come up with a better quip for this next story. State Rep Diane Fessler has proposed a bill that will make texting and driving a secondary offense. One OSU student gets to put her two cents in, and well they kind of come off more like one dirty penny.LOL! TTYL!

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Jackson Gets All Police-State on Cleveland

The Plain Dealer has a report on Mayor Jackson’s new anti-crime plan, and well it’s a bit on the Charles Bronson side. According to Jackson the new plan is ”going to be very aggressive. They’re going to be shaking up the trees and beating the bushes.” As always the mayor was extremely clear. Officers are currently in the process of shaking bushes on the east side so if you want to commit some crime now would be a good time. Jackson also warns that this new aggressive police force will lead to more confrontations, meaning that the tree in front of your house may be losing a branch or two before we can stop the drug trade in Cleveland. War on drugs, war on terror, war on trees and bushes. What a progression.

Move Over Hillary, Here Comes Dennis!

While it may have been a huge victory for Hillary Clinton in yesterday’s New Hampshire primary let’s not forget the major progress Dennis Kucinich made. It looks like spending most of his time and resources campaigning in New Hampshire paid off for Dennis with the Cleveland Congressman claiming 1 percent of the primary vote! It’s the same as in 2004! He hasn’t lost any ground at all! Let’s give it up for Dennis!

Some Real Quick Shit

It’s a slow news day. In case you were black-out drunk last night and didn’t hear the apocalypse coming, there was a big fucking storm with 60 mph winds that knocked a bunch of shit down and left thousands of people without power. There, I just recapped every major Cleveland news source’s lead story for the next 3 days. So moving on…

People may be fleeing Cleveland, but they’re coming back for the zoo. 2007 marks the second year in a row that attendance at the zoo has increased, this year there was a whopping 1.25 million visitors. Did I just say whopping? In other news The Plain Dealer has passed their food column onto a new writer and with his introductory article today I can already say I like this guy. For one, no photo! No creepy undertones, questionable mind-state, or incest questioning for this guy! Instead Joe Crea just shows that he writes better than most of the PD staff, has a background, and might actually make for an interesting read. Let’s eat Joe. Meanwhile The Free Times is still trying to cash in on the fame of Harvey Pekar with an article about Pekar’s nerdy pal Toby Radloff. Whatever, it’s still more relevant to Cleveland than the C-Notes piece on eHarmony being run by a gay-hating, anti-sex overlord. Or as they are more commonly known, evangelical Christians. BAM! I’m outta here.

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Who’s up for a Hanging Chad?

Last night Obama took the Iowa Democratic caucus while Mike Huckabee took the Republican win. Question is, will things run so smoothly when the process hits Ohio? As we have already mentioned, Ohio Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner is not very happy with the voting technology in Ohio. Brunner recently issued a massive report - the type of thing your 2-year-old could sit on at the dinner table instead of a phone book, that is of course if you have a 2-year-old, don’t have a phone book, and for some reason have a copy of a report by the Ohio Secretary of State about flawed voting technology - which prompted investigation into voting machines and hopes of replacing ALL OF THEM. Well now, because things like replacing voting machines costs a lot of money, Brunner has ordered that all voters in Ohio be given the option to use paper ballots during the March primaries. Some people are poo pooing the move, calling it a step backwards, but really if the state is not willing to dish out funds to get this shit right, what other option do they have? I’m starting a pool. How many days will it take to calculate Ohio’s primary votes? Are you in?

Re-open The X-Files, the Browns Need Help!

In an article that reads like it should have been published on a Browns fan’s blog, MSNBC reports that there may have been communication between the Titans and Colts that the Colts would not call any more time outs, leaving the Titans free to simply take a knee and end Sunday’s game. Tennessee Quarterback Kerry Collins told a radio station that he knew the Colts would not call a timeout. Now while this may be strange for teams to give out this info to one another, let’s consider the fact that the Colts already had the playoffs clinched. Why would they want to try and win a game that meant nothing to them and could simply lead to injuries? Also, they would have only had 25 seconds left to score, a doable amount of time, but still difficult. Still, shady things may be in the works elsewhere in the NFL. I heard one of John Madden’s sandwiches went missing just last week. Scary.

Oh, How Funny!

Leave it to Scene to have one of the most interesting year end recaps, but present it in an entirely tiresome and unfunny (is that Jena six reference?) format. They use the fake awards show format complete with applause transcriptions to discuss this year’s “depravity and weirdness” in Cleveland. Still, if you ignore the filler the article is a nice reminder of the actions of Martin Sweeny, Zack Reed (who has just left rehab), Jimmy Dimora and others, actions that elicit laughter in and of themselves. I can’t believe I’m linking Scene, again.

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