MyFriendCleveland

I’m Just Going to Write Mine on a Scrap of Paper

Cuyahoga County is gaining quite the reputation when it comes to voting. I’m sure everyone was looking forward to some always exciting recounts during the primaries in March, but now it seems that there may be even more pressing issues. In a report issued by Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner, touch screen voting machines can easily be manipulated using fun little things like magnets and PDAs. Brunner is now urging the entire state of Ohio to replace all of their touch screen machines, a process that is sure to come with a hefty price tag. Although, Brunner did spend $1.9 million figuring out that the machines are shit, so maybe we can take the loss. I can’t wait to vote!

Who’s been Hitting the Hard Stuff?

The roid party may finally be ending for Major League Baseball. In the report released yesterday Paul Byrd, and 16 former Indians were named. The Plain Dealer has been kind enough to list said players and their charges today. Authorities have also told the country to stay alert for the resulting roid rage that could lead to assault, murder, or even home run records.

Valley View Mayor Wins Subtlety Award

Mayor Randall Westfall is under scrutiny after it was discovered that he has been suggesting that couples he marries for free should donate to his campaign fund. The smooth operator stated in an email “Ceremony is at No Charge, however, sometimes people choose to donate to my campaign (no more than $50).” I can’t believe the authorities figured that out! I thought he was talking about a Dungeons and Dragons adventure campaign! $50 in gold to aid in my wondrous journey! Wow, some people are really smart.