MyFriendCleveland

Left in the Dark

As if the downtown area didn’t have enough problems, now you can add street light outages to the list. The Downtown Cleveland Alliance counted more than forty lights out on Tuesday night. Cleveland Public Power and The Cleveland Electric Illuminating Co. both claim that workers routinely check for burned out lights and replace them quickly, which is funny considering that the Alliance found over fifty out on September 27th. They also claim that it is not their aging systems causing the problem but (prepare to get your mind blown) burned out bulbs. Even more confusing is which “Cleveland leaders” are talking about “building downtown into a 24-hour neighborhood.” That’s going to take some work. Note to self,start coming up with better titles.

BIGGEST FILLER EVER!!!

It looks like somebody was having trouble finishing this week’s issue! Was it you, Free Times? Come on, don’t be ashamed. You can tell us that you created your BEST OF ALL TIME section just to fill up those empty pages, we won’t yell. I mean, I know that this year isn’t an important milestone in Cleveland history, and that year-end lists are just around the corner, but it’s okay if you want to make another pointless BEST OF entry. And yeah, sure it’s okay if all the usual suspects are praised again. Oh, is that Bone Thugs, Halle Berry, and Harvey Pekar?! Who would’ve thunk? I mean the only reason I could tell you weren’t Scene is because you didn’t include Mushroomhead. You know what Free Times, I’m done being nice, why don’t you just get your ass into the corner, while we decide what to do about this list.

Ohio Strikes BIG in National Politics

The US Government made a major announcement that will change the face of America forever. And you know what? They reached this conclusion thanks to Ohio’s very own Sherrod Brown taking a stand. Politics in action people! So now, thanks to the tireless efforts of Sherrod Brown a shitload of plastic Frankenstein cups that tested wayyyyy too high for lead will be returned to dollar stores across the country! You know what, while you’re at it return all the history books, cause those things needed to be updated! Meanwhile the cup’s makers have still not confirmed that the high lead rates were part of a plan to have the monster cups turn people into monsters. What, too soon?

How About those Indians?

No, not them, you racist asshole, the Cleveland baseball team. After showing New York the one thing Cleveland has that their city doesn’t last night (a winning baseball team! zing!), the Tribe is gearing up for game two today. So tune in and, for the first time ever, feel good about LeBron James being disappointed.