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It’s Obviously a Halloween Costume!

The Plain Dealer is reporting that Ohio has appointed their first openly gay judge. Good one, guys! Really spooked us on Halloween! Was she wearing an all purple suit? I mean seriously, you think Ohio could get away with appointing an openly gay judge? Have you seen most of this state? They still think Git-R-Done is funny. Creepy!!.

Leave it to Phillip Morris to Kill the Party

Phillip Morris, The Plain Dealer columnist, has published yet another confusing/flip-flopping/pointless piece. Let’s start with his opening line, shall we? “Halloween comes at a good time this year. Greater Cleveland needs a break from an uninvited horror film being shot on location.” There is a horror movie being shot here? It’s uninvited? What does that mean, they didn’t get permission? Oh wait! I see, Morris is trying to use a metaphor but by adding another line like, “Our children need a chance to laugh and make believe that they are scared - as opposed to playing unsuspecting extras on the set of a reality murder flick,” he’s really not making it any more clear. It isn’t until Morris rehashes recently violent outbursts from Cleveland adolescents that we finally get it. Happy Halloween everyone! Let me remind you about recent tragedies, ones you all already know about, and offer no further insight on them. Dude basically paraphrased a few articles and then said “kids got it tough, I hope they all dress up and get some candy!” Thanks for another great column. Maybe I’ll dress up as Waste of Time today, all I have go is wrap myself in Morris’s columns. Scary!!

It is Now Safe to Dress Up Like Sasha Pavlovic for Halloween

For those of you that have been holding off on throwing on that Pavlovic Cavs jersey and shaving your head, hold off no more. Pavlovic has signed a three-year deal with Cavs meaning the little guy will grace the court of the Q once more. Pavlovic will not play in tonight’s opener however, so don’t get too excited. Spooky!!

Who’s Dressing up Like Dennis Kucinich?

If you are you’ve got even more material to work with after last night’s Democratic primary debate in Philadelphia. While Obama, Edwards, and Clinton got all serious Dennis Kucinich confirmed seeing a UFO at Shirley MacLaine’s house. I shit you not. Please make YouTube! Please make YouTube! Chilling!!

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A Halloween Treat! Mwa ha ha ha!

Wow, that was cheesy, even for me. Anyway, just thought I’d start things off today with a little piece by The Plain Dealer on our obsession with vampires!! Dude talks about current and upcoming TV shows and movies that deal with the subject before delving into just why we are so interested in the bloodsuckers. It’s actually an interesting article. I’m serious. Wes Craven, David Boreanaz, and other vampire heavy weights weigh in with their thoughts. Trick or treat, assholes.

Halle Berry Gets Her Racist On

Today is a weird day, first a vampire article, now this… I mean I guess this counts as Cleveland news, Halle Berry was born here. She is a native Clevelander even if she thinks the Flats is full of shopping and dining. Last Friday Berry appeared on Leno where she said that a picture of her that made her nose appear big could be her Jewish cousin. Egads!! Well Berry did apologize for the comment saying that a Jewish girl who works for her suggested the picture looked like her Jewish cousin. OMG! I can’t believe I’m linking this site.

Unfortunately Named Boy Dishes Praise for Speech At Ignatius

Holocaust survivor, author, and activist Elie Wiesel spoke at St. Ignatius high school last night. He told the audience they need to act when they see social injustice. It’s a shame that this speech didn’t receive more press (guilty!), but what is even a bigger shame is the name of one of the boys channel 3 interviewed. Meet Sully Sullivan folks! Ok, I’ll stop there, anonymous high school seniors don’t deserve the wrath of MyFriendCleveland, even if they do go to Ignatius. The nitty gritty is just a click away.

Woman Believes She is Related to Dogs

We gave you the lowdown on the pit bull ban in Garfield Heights recently, well it’s not the only one in Ohio, nor is it going unnoticed. Shana Klein and her husband regularly take in pit bulls that have been removed from homes and are holding meetings to question banning the animals. Shana claims that it is the owners who are responsible, not the type of dog. Most people agree it would be easier to take Shana seriously if she wasn’t saying things like, “It’s very scary to live in a place where a family member can possibly be confiscated because of the way they look.” I’m going to leave you to add a one-liner here, because there are just too many options.

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Nose Candy Just Went Hard

Rich white kids be damned! The drug of choice for the upper tier will now carry the same penalties as crack. At least that is what the Ohio Senate voted unanimously in favor of yesterday. The House will be next to vote on the bill, one that has been kicking around for years. According to The Plain Dealer the signing of the bill came from, “ a ‘broader understanding’ that the drug problems in Ohio extend beyond city street corners.” It took them until now to realize this… and they are running the government in this state? Kids in a DARE program have a better understanding of the drug trade than Ohio’s Senate.

Wal-mart: Where Hispanics are a Commodity

Wal-mart’s new SUPER store is opening in Steel Yard soon and apparently they want the business of Cleveland’s Hispanics. The ever-vigilant Channel 3 News has a report on the battle that will soon ensue between Wal-mart and Dave’s on Ridge Rd. for Hispanics’ food money. Wal-mart thinks they have a “store of the community.” I guess you are what you eat, parasite. I almost forgot how shitty this store is.

Kucinich Less Popular than Colbert

Is it bad if I admit that C-Notes has something interesting to report? Well if so then at least let me point out that they have a BLATANT typo in the second line of the piece I am about paraphrase. Petty? Yes. But come on! It’s C-Notes!! Anyway, Stephen Colbert recently announced his candidacy for president (on both bills no less) and well, it looks like the people are behind the talk show host. In a recent poll 2.3 of Democrats say they support Colbert where as only 2.1 percent say they support Kucinich. Go ahead… let that sink in. Yes, it was a Republican poll asking about Democratic candidates, so maybe there is some bias involved, but more concerning is the fact that one of our congressman has merely become a Youtube worthy figure, one that is not as entertaining as Colbert. It’s a fine line, Dennis.

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When Did a Middle Aged Woman’s Blog Become a Plain Dealer Column?

So maybe Regina Brett does have one of the most, ahem, normal looking columnist pics at The Plain Dealer, but that doesn’t mean that her writing is any classier. Her most recent column claims to show the links between baseball and religion. Sounds interesting enough, almost ambitious in fact. Instead all it is is Regina listing joyful and sorrowful (yes, like the mysteries of the rosary) moments in Tribe history. She doesn’t even hit on “glorious” ones, saying those have yet to come. Well I’m glad to see Regina knows how to use google, a baseball almanac, and an Indians history book, or some combination of the three, but honestly I think I could do with a few less cutesy observations. And why would she say “religion” and not just “catholicism” which is the only thing she references here. Save it for your church mag, or some long forgotten corner of the internet, I want some insight in my news.

I Really Hope You Like Reading About Cabs

So first the airport announced their higher cab fares and new exclusive contract with only three cab companies. Want more info on this, look below. Then other cab companies flipped their shit and sued the city for breach of contract and discrimination. You guessed it, more in a post below. Well now look at this boys and girls; there have been some changes! The new cab fares will now not be as large as first mentioned. A trip from the airport to downtown will now cost $33 (it used to cost $28) instead of the reported $44 from last week. So it is a little bit of a hike, but on rides under five miles passengers will actually see a decrease in price now. And if you still feel like you are supporting some sort of monopoly you have the choice to phone one of the four cab companies not in the new contract. So what have we learned? Well if people raise a large enough stink it seems the air needs to be cleaned. Or something like that. All I know is that Cleveland has a lot more cabs than I thought, and that MyFriendCleveland just changed the world!

Michael Vick Will Never Live in Garfield Heights

Just take a guess why? Come on, you can do it… Yes! That’s it! Garfield Heights has banned pit bulls! Owners have 60 days to voice their opinions, but the new law states that if a pit bull is complained about police give the owners a chance to find a new home before confiscating the dog which will either go to a shelter, or head towards the light, because if cartoons have taught us anything, all dogs do go to heaven. Wow, did I really just type that? Let me just leave you with something to think about though, has anyone ever seen a pit bull in Garfield Heights?

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It’s Official: Plain Dealer Has Exclusive Pre-Teen Audience

By now you all know about the school shooting downtown, and before you cringe at what you think is about to follow, give me some credit. The Plain Dealer has extensive (aka over-saturated) coverage of the shooter in today’s paper. This includes some pics of the kid on their website. Now while some of you may want to indulge your inner gossip-rag lover and check out the snapshots (given to the paper by a friend of Asa Coon) what you really need to check out are the posts below said photos. If an adult created any of those posts I will personally help them apply for high school, again. With the Plain Dealer’s level of quality I guess I shouldn’t be shocked by its readers’ level of intelligence and tact, but this is ridiculous. Besides reiterating every argument ever made about school shootings these clowns fire off great debate standards like “You’re an idiot!” The internet is such a beautiful thing.

Cabbies Strike Back

In our previous post (which I know you’ve all read and discussed by now) we informed you about the changes in cab policy at Hopkins. Well it seems that someone else besides cab riders found their panties in a bundle after the announcement. Don’t know who? Read the title, assholes. It’s called context clues! Damn, maybe you should be reading The Plain Dealer (lolz!). Wow, anyway… Four Cleveland area cab companies (ones not allowed to pick up passengers at the airport) are suing the city for what they say is a breach of contract and discrimination against the first-generation immigrants who own the companies. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Cleveland! I keep thinking about Robert Deniro when I read these things, I don’t know why.

Who Breaks Into a Bathroom?

A student at Pinnicle Academy (I don’t know anything about this school, but I want to beat up someone who goes there based on the name alone) in Euclid reported that two masked men were trying to break into a bathroom at the school. Don’t worry, the article does later mention that the two dudes were black, so you can all rest easy now racists. But now this begs some questions. What the hell does Pinnicle Academy keep in their bathrooms? And did the kid who reported this just get in trouble and need to take the heat of for a while? “Oh, and they were black!!” “I think it would be a little hard to tell that with masks on Johnny, but a white person would never break the law, so I’ll take your word for it, son.” I want to go take a piss there now just to see if the rumor about solid gold urinals is true.

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Can You Pick Me up at the Airport?

Haters of Cleveland’s public transportation and cab service have gained more fuel for the fire today. It looks like cab rates from Hopkins airport are about to make a surprisingly large leap. Hopkins has been working on new taxi plan for months now, with airport director Ricky Smith claiming that prices would not go up as a result. Well, Ricky, looks like you’ve got some ’splainin to do. Under the new plan a cab ride from Hopkins to downtown Cleveland will cost $44. That’s $15 more than it is now. Not only has the cost-per-mile gone up, but a surcharge has also been added. Oh, but don’t worry, this is Cleveland! There are alternatives! Oh, wait, I guess there really aren’t. See, three cab companies now have exclusive rights to the airport and will soon be turned into fancy white cabs with uniformed drivers. That only leaves a train from the airport, which means you better hope you don’t come in on a late flight, cause, for those of you that may have forgotten, Cleveland public transportation only runs at certain times. Listen, if you really need a ride I can do it for $20.

Beards for Ball

The Indians defeated the most hated men in baseball (unless your name rhymes with Befron Games) earlier this week meaning that they are on to round 2 of the fall classic. So how can they continue to win? Well, one theory is beards (wish you were back in Boston, Damon?), a topic The Plain Dealer has decided to drain all humor from. I haven’t shaved in a couple of weeks but the only good luck I’ve had has been that winning lottery ticket, meeting my long lost twin, and finding a bag of gummy bears in my closet. Yes, they’re still fresh.

Cue the Creepy Music Already!

Police apprehended a patient who escaped from the Northcoast Behavioral Healthcare Center in Northfield last week. While it has not been confirmed yet police apparently told the patient, “Halloween’s not for another couple weeks, Myers.” Bad? Whatever, you try finding some news.

It’s All About Drugs at Kent State

Kent State University is one of three locations conducting Liquid Crystal Drug research, a new form of cancer treatment that has thus far has yielded surprising results. Sixteen of seventeen prostate cancer patients treated with the liquid crystal pharmaceutical saw a slowing of tumor growth. Currently the LCPs work in conjunction with chemo or radiation by weakening tumors so treatments are more effective. You science nerds want more details? Read the article.

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Left in the Dark

As if the downtown area didn’t have enough problems, now you can add street light outages to the list. The Downtown Cleveland Alliance counted more than forty lights out on Tuesday night. Cleveland Public Power and The Cleveland Electric Illuminating Co. both claim that workers routinely check for burned out lights and replace them quickly, which is funny considering that the Alliance found over fifty out on September 27th. They also claim that it is not their aging systems causing the problem but (prepare to get your mind blown) burned out bulbs. Even more confusing is which “Cleveland leaders” are talking about “building downtown into a 24-hour neighborhood.” That’s going to take some work. Note to self,start coming up with better titles.

BIGGEST FILLER EVER!!!

It looks like somebody was having trouble finishing this week’s issue! Was it you, Free Times? Come on, don’t be ashamed. You can tell us that you created your BEST OF ALL TIME section just to fill up those empty pages, we won’t yell. I mean, I know that this year isn’t an important milestone in Cleveland history, and that year-end lists are just around the corner, but it’s okay if you want to make another pointless BEST OF entry. And yeah, sure it’s okay if all the usual suspects are praised again. Oh, is that Bone Thugs, Halle Berry, and Harvey Pekar?! Who would’ve thunk? I mean the only reason I could tell you weren’t Scene is because you didn’t include Mushroomhead. You know what Free Times, I’m done being nice, why don’t you just get your ass into the corner, while we decide what to do about this list.

Ohio Strikes BIG in National Politics

The US Government made a major announcement that will change the face of America forever. And you know what? They reached this conclusion thanks to Ohio’s very own Sherrod Brown taking a stand. Politics in action people! So now, thanks to the tireless efforts of Sherrod Brown a shitload of plastic Frankenstein cups that tested wayyyyy too high for lead will be returned to dollar stores across the country! You know what, while you’re at it return all the history books, cause those things needed to be updated! Meanwhile the cup’s makers have still not confirmed that the high lead rates were part of a plan to have the monster cups turn people into monsters. What, too soon?

How About those Indians?

No, not them, you racist asshole, the Cleveland baseball team. After showing New York the one thing Cleveland has that their city doesn’t last night (a winning baseball team! zing!), the Tribe is gearing up for game two today. So tune in and, for the first time ever, feel good about LeBron James being disappointed.

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Good Catholic Girl Headed for the Big House

Colleen Kempf, St. Joseph Academy’s former bookkeeper, was sentenced to four years in prison for swiping over $400,000 from the school. Kempf, along with her husband, and other supporters argued for leniency claiming that untreated bipolar disorder lead her astray. I guess the judge just wasn’t able to overlook that this had gone on for six years and wasn’t just a one time mistake, that St. Joe’s now has problems raising money because people fear it will be stolen again, that for every letter showing support for Kempf fifteen came in asking for her imprisonment, and that St. Joe’s president claimed Kempf had a “lack of remorse” and “unwillingness to repay what she’s taken.” And as much as St. Joe’s could be viewed as simply money-hungry, the school’s accountants reduced the amount stolen (without explanation) to an amount that lessened Kempf’s sentencing. Still all Kempf’s husband could do was think about some sweet ’80s jams as he told reporters, “She needs me now more than ever.” What will Meatloaf do with Bonnie Tyler locked up?

I’ve Already Got My Tickets

They are front row too, you unlucky little bastards. I’ll be able to feel drops of sweat while you are trying to figure out which scalper is actually legit. I’ll be screaming my head off while you are shouting, “How fucking much!?” Yep, I’ll be singing along with a massive crowd of pre-teens while you’re heading to a bar to drink away your pain after not being able to score tickets to the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus concert. Seems this once in a lifetime rocker is currently the most expensive ticket in Cleveland, exceeding Springsteen and Tribe playoffs. I mean, why wouldn’t it! Miley Cyrus performing as herself AND as Hannah Montana!! Can’t wait! Can’t think! Can’t wait!. Can someone get me a pill that will just keep me asleep until the day of the show? I am sooooo serious right now! Rock on, Cleveland!

Oh, This is Government Class, Not Sex Ed!

Use this one in your next zany teen comedy, Hollywood! State Rep. Matthew Barrett was speaking to a government class at a high school in Norwalk, Ohio about civics this week when things got crazy!! Barrett plugged a memory stick into a school computer to bring up a presentation he had created and was greeted with an image of a topless woman! Zing! Barrett immediately removed the stick, at least three boys immediately asked to be excused, and the lesson continued sans presentation. While most students were upset because their civics lesson could no longer be aided by visuals, a tool they had recently discovered was helping their learning process, others were bummed by the lack of boobs in the rest of Barrett’s speech. Barrett claims the photos on the memory stick are not his, and that he received the storage device as a gift. Police are investigating, or at least looking at the pics on the stick.

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