MyFriendCleveland

Red-Light District Attorney General Admission

Get it? Like Dick Clark Kent State Road Warrior? Whatever, that’s the last time I try to play word games with you. And I guess only a couple of the ones in the title have to do with the red-light camera case that is hitting the Ohio Supreme Court today. Kelly Mendenhall was ticketed via camera and is now challenging whether a city can charge her a civil penalty when obeying traffic lights is a state law. In other words, Mendenhall is not denying she ran a red-light; she just wants a heftier punishment? Maybe this just has to do with her lawyer/husband trying to make a name in law. What a bunch of babies.

Cue All Your Bad Penis Jokes

A dude in Akron has been shipping vials of fake Viagra and other wiener-enhancing pills to hundreds of limp fellas throughout North East Ohio. The man would receive the pills and order information via mail from an as yet unknown boss. While I know most of you are already chuckling like creeps in the back of fourth grade, there are some quotes from this article that will only sweeten the deal.

“The reach of this thing is as broad as the Internet,” Stickan said. “It’s international.”

What year is this? I’m surprised he didn’t refer to it as “The Information Super Highway” and call it “The Future!” Thanks for nothing, Professor. In case your interested I have some issues of Modern Science from 1995 in my basement, maybe you can use them to catch up.

“It’s important to know how effective these pills are. They may be too strong, not strong enough, or a placebo.”

If this quote does not get this man a huge label of “PERVERT,” I don’t know what will. Would you personally like to inspect each wang that came in contact with the pills, guy? Tell the buyers they are fake and that they should not take them anymore. It’s not that hard. Or is it? Sorry, I had to do it.

“It is Not Normal to Have Bats Flying in Your Home”

Wow, that’s in the news. Ok, I’ve taken a deep breath, I think I can continue. There has been a surge in rabid bats this year so authorities (the same ones who want you to know that it is NOT normal to have bats flying in your house) want to make sure people Bat proof their houses. Garlic or Joker dolls will not do. It’s a good thing this is the last article for the day, cause these jokes are getting cheesier than Wisconsin. See what I mean? Batty bat bat bat.