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A Plus For Cleveland?

That’s right, I am about to unload a little secret The Plain Dealer revealed to me today, one that is a positive claim that can be made about Cleveland. People don’t steal our iPods! Studies are showing that violent crime has been up across the country since Apple introduced their newer style of iPods in 2005. Transit systems in New York and San Fran have been having huge issues with the devices being stolen. In some cases signs have even been posted about being careful with your iPod. But guess what? Up here by the lake we are having no such trouble. Reps for Cleveland’s RTA say that they don’t have many robberies, period. Now, not to burst anyone’s bubble, I mean I know it is Friday and all (whoo! get drunk!!!) but could it be that there are no iPod thefts occurring on Cleveland public transportation vehicles because no one uses Cleveland public transportation? I seriously hope our thefts are less than those in New York, or else we’d have some kind of epidemic on our hands. Shit, where’s my iPod?

Just When You Thought C-Notes Could do no Worse…

They’ve gone racist. That’s right, Scene’s always-tasteless blog has a piece celebrating the hiring of a new employee, an employee they keep referring to as a Mexican. They even went so far as to have the guy pose for a picture with only his top button buttoned in true Cholo fashion. Now, if you are able to stomach this whole piece you will learn that the clowns behind C-Notes were taking on this offensive project in reaction to The Plain Dealer’s front page article about hiring a black man, an article that came after that paper was attacked for a lack of diversity. Oh, and it gets better. It seems Scene was accused of not only lacking diversity, but of having employees who bragged about it while drunk. It’s nice that the guys behind C-Notes at least know that satire exists, but Jonathan Swift they are not.

Now an Actual Positive

Alright, I’m sorry if that first story was misleading, but here’s something to actually smile about. LeBron (yes that one) will be hosting Saturday Night Live this week. I could just let this go, but Channel 3 has an interesting quote from the king. He apparently told them, “It’s an open forum, it’s like a college dorm around here.” I’m pretty sure LeBron never went to college cause that whole playing basketball thing got in the way. Maybe he meant “locker room?” Or maybe Cleveland area co-eds have been swinging with the king in the off-season. Either way, dude better be more Peyton Manning than Derek Jeter on this shit.

Posted under Hometown

As if Being the Back-Up to the Back-Up Wasn’t Bad Enough

Ohio State’s third string quarterback Antonio Henton was arrested for soliciting a prostitute outside of a Kroger’s parking lot in Columbus on Monday. To make matters even worse it seems that Henton has trouble adding. He offered $20 to the apparent hooker for sex, but when police searched him he only had $19 in his pocket. Of course there is an ongoing debate about arrests of college athletes, why it is such a problem, and what to do about it, but maybe we should be looking into the fact that a college student can’t count $20. And don’t worry Buckeyes fans, when was the last time a third-stringer helped out a team? Meanwhile the officer solicited now needs self-esteem help after only being offered $20.

I Almost Forgot About the Plain Dealer Columnist Creepy Photo Requirement

That’s right I’ve found another child-eating grin, and doped-up set of eyes for your viewing pleasure, and there’s more! See, besides not mocking the fun house photos that represent the Plain Dealer columnists in a while, I have also neglected the paper’s constant battle to stay one step above joke. So here is another prime example, a food columnist is leaving that position to write sports. In his farewell letter he says that the closest he’s ever been to the restaurant business was washing dishes. Why would a major newspaper hire someone who has no knowledge of, or experience writing about restaurants to cover them! “Hey, Bert, I know you spent the last five years writing about new cell phones and other gadgets, but I’m going to need you to start covering ballet.” Luckily ever time I get angry about the situation I still have Bill’s photo to cheer me up.

Weirder Still

So what if I told you that police found an alligator wondering on the West Side this morning? Good thing WKYC’s in depth reporting dropped this cherry on top, “police called on a reptile enthusiast who helped them deal with wayward gators in the past,” and then failed to elaborate. When were gators a problem in the past? I’ve never seen a gator in Cleveland, should I be upset?

Canton Police Unsure of What “Drug House” Means

A Canton woman was arrested after leaving a “known drug house” with some crack stashed in her mouth. I guess you really don’t need to read the actual article here unless you want to see the term “known drug house” a few more times, and wonder why a “known drug house” is in existence. The police know it is a drug house and arrested a woman coming out of the ”known drug house” yet they have not attempted to shut down the house? I’m pretty sure most “known drug houses” only stay that for a short period time, unless of course it’s in Canton.

Posted under Hometown

Red-Light District Attorney General Admission

Get it? Like Dick Clark Kent State Road Warrior? Whatever, that’s the last time I try to play word games with you. And I guess only a couple of the ones in the title have to do with the red-light camera case that is hitting the Ohio Supreme Court today. Kelly Mendenhall was ticketed via camera and is now challenging whether a city can charge her a civil penalty when obeying traffic lights is a state law. In other words, Mendenhall is not denying she ran a red-light; she just wants a heftier punishment? Maybe this just has to do with her lawyer/husband trying to make a name in law. What a bunch of babies.

Cue All Your Bad Penis Jokes

A dude in Akron has been shipping vials of fake Viagra and other wiener-enhancing pills to hundreds of limp fellas throughout North East Ohio. The man would receive the pills and order information via mail from an as yet unknown boss. While I know most of you are already chuckling like creeps in the back of fourth grade, there are some quotes from this article that will only sweeten the deal.

“The reach of this thing is as broad as the Internet,” Stickan said. “It’s international.”

What year is this? I’m surprised he didn’t refer to it as “The Information Super Highway” and call it “The Future!” Thanks for nothing, Professor. In case your interested I have some issues of Modern Science from 1995 in my basement, maybe you can use them to catch up.

“It’s important to know how effective these pills are. They may be too strong, not strong enough, or a placebo.”

If this quote does not get this man a huge label of “PERVERT,” I don’t know what will. Would you personally like to inspect each wang that came in contact with the pills, guy? Tell the buyers they are fake and that they should not take them anymore. It’s not that hard. Or is it? Sorry, I had to do it.

“It is Not Normal to Have Bats Flying in Your Home”

Wow, that’s in the news. Ok, I’ve taken a deep breath, I think I can continue. There has been a surge in rabid bats this year so authorities (the same ones who want you to know that it is NOT normal to have bats flying in your house) want to make sure people Bat proof their houses. Garlic or Joker dolls will not do. It’s a good thing this is the last article for the day, cause these jokes are getting cheesier than Wisconsin. See what I mean? Batty bat bat bat.

Posted under Hometown

Kucinich: Walking Fine Lines Since the Late ’70s

Little ‘Ol Dennis has struck again, and yet somehow he not only looks like a joke in a man costume, but one of few truthful voices. Seems that during a recent trip to the Middle East (trips that had Jewish constituents up in arms in the past) the little guy made an appearance on Syrian TV and mustered up his wiry spite for a shit-talking session on, you guessed it, the Bush administration and the Iraq war. Not only did Dennis condemn the war as illegal, but he also said reparations were due for all the innocent people killed. Upon returning to the U.S. Dennis defended his comments stating in his creepy fashion, “I am the truth-teller.” Laugh or nod in agreement, you decide.

Since When Does Swinging by Someone’s House, then Eating Lunch, Make News?

Oh, that’s right, when it involves the self-proclaimed savior of New York City, Rudy Giuliani! The presidential candidate (can we have a pre-primary or some shit to get rid of some of these clowns already?) is hitting up Akron today for a “private fundraiser” at David Brennan’s house and then lunch at Bricco. Maybe he is commemorarting the sixth anniversary of becoming even more pompous. I still think the most important contribution this man has made is that sample on the last Dillinger Four record, but hey, that’s just me. A message to you, Rudy.

Now Your Obligatory “Cleveland is on a Downslide” Article

New U.S. Census Bureau (do these guys EVER get tired of making Cleveland look bad?) statistics show that families in North East Ohio are bringing in a lot less scrilla these days. Between 2000 and 2006 thousands of higher-paying manufacturing jobs have dissappeared while the yearly income bracket of $10,000-$14,000 a year has dramatically increased. Luckily an expert at CSU cleared things up for us pedestrians by stating, “Household incomes are sliding down.” There, doesn’t everyone feel better now? Is this going in the new Cleveland brochures?

Posted under Hometown