Sewers are a Dirty, Dirty Business
Take off your sunglasses; cause things just got reallllllll shady. William Schatz, a lawyer who has worked for the Sewer District (via VERBAL agreement) for years, is being offered $50,000 to retire and not sue his former employer. Sound wacky? It gets better. There are no written documents showing what Schatz has been paid over the 30 years he’s worked for the Sewer District, the FBI has an interest in Schatz, considering that he has represented 4 private clients against the Sewer District over the years, and there are a number of sewer contracts that have run well over budget. It’s been a while since we had a nice fat scandal to sink our teeth into. Enjoy.
Michael Vick’s Contribution to Cleveland
After Vick’s recent indictment for illegal dog fighting on his property, people have started to pay more attention to the issue in the Cleveland area. A News Channel 5 report details the damage done to pit bulls and also offer clues that might suggest your neighbor is training a dog for fighting purposes. These tips include bite sticks, swinging tires, and outdoor treadmills. I’m not sure if this last one is a joke or not, cause honestly why would a dog run on a treadmill unless it was training for a circus act that re-creates that OK Go video with dogs. The article also states that dog fighting is even becoming a problem with youths because of the national exposure Vick has brought to it. Thank god the authorities have jumped on this and the youth can be helped, unlike when Vick got charged with marijuana possession and no one gave a shit. Drugs = cool. Animal abuse? No way, dude.
You said, “Penis!”
The Free Times dishes out an editorial that seems like it could be funny (it’s about wieners) or could be informative (dudes do not understand everything about their male organs), but instead just answers banal inquiries with even more banal jokes. The guy seriously says that to get rid of a boner when in an embarrassing situation you should, “briskly tap your pants with your fingers and yell, ‘Down, down, down! Back, back, back!’” This is hard to get through, pun obviously intended.
