MyFriendCleveland Get used to it

Voting: Now Even the Lazy Can do It

Senator Gary Cates has proposed mail in ballots for special elections in Ohio. This means that when questions of taxes etc. come up, a ballot will be mailed to all registered voters, which they can fill out and send back. I could go into the pros and cons, but The Plain Dealer has already got a breakdown. There are just a couple more problems I see. One being that you may have moved, but not changed your address for voting leaving your ballot in the hands of a new resident. The other is that if some nutjob wanted a certain issue to pass bad enough he or she could stroll down a few streets stealing ballots from mailboxes to fill out and send back. And it just might be a conflict of interest if the vote had anything to do with the post office. Still, I like having pizza delivered better than going to pick it up, especially when it’s free.

Independent Film, Ohio Style

The biggest ever Ohio-produced independent film is currently being shot at the closed Mansfield reformatory. So is it a gritty prison drama? Or maybe an underground behind bars cult comedy? No, it’s about a vampire with an amulet that controls the dead. To make matters even more unimpressive The Plain Dealer insists that some of the actors, who have starred in “Babylon 5″ and “Passions,” are big names. Would someone at Comicon even recognize an actor from Babylon 5? Ugh, hopefully someone in Mansfield sees a zombie and freaks the fuck out, cause that would be entertaining.

Oh, This Media is going to Speculate, Fella!

East Cleveland Mayor Eric Brewer has suspended police chief Patricia Lane. The mayor is staying very quiet about the reasons why, with most of his statement merely knocking the media for the speculation they may make in the future and whether that future speculation may then affect certain lives that are or are not connected to the individuals involved in the case. Yes, that was long winded on purpose. Oh, but the mayor did little one little thing slip. One little thing that I may need to speculate on. It seems the mayor did not like how the chief was using funds. Like say the ones she spent on Indians tickets. So here is my speculation. The police chief was in debt after betting on dog fights down at Michael Vick’s place and never getting the pay off, since you know that shit got busted wide open. Now this may not have been too horrible of a situation, but it seems the police chief owed some money to certain other parties, which meant she needed cash FAST. So BAM! she buys thousands of Indians tickets saying they will be raffled off as part of a police fundraiser, and it wasn’t until PAL only received $1.25 (in the form of a large novelty check of course) that anyone suspected anything had gone wrong. Now remember, this is merely speculation from a reckless media source that typically disregards the truth. Read some real news.

Posted under Hometown

Thieves Take on the Internet!

On Sunday thieves used a chainsaw that cut open an internet trunk line. The dudes were apparently looking for copper, but all they got were internet delays for millions of people. Yeah, millions. Seems Cleveland is a hub for internet wiring used worldwide. To make matters worse, and a bit more interesting, when workers went to fix the line with replacement cable they discovered it had been damaged by a gunshot. Where exactly are they storing this back up cable? And how pissed at the internet would you have to be to shoot some wires? Don’t worry, everything is back up and running, and as long as you don’t look like the internet you don’t have a chance of getting shot.

Euclid Must Change Elections

If you can get past the now just downright confusing humor (”They didn’t have a Slurpee’s chance in Rachel Ray’s kitchen.” Right…) C-Notes has an interesting tidbit on Euclid’s battle against the U.S. government to keep their current system for electing officials. Seems that the big boys in Washington didn’t like the racist lean of Euclid’s policies and stepped in to help. Making things even more intriguing is the fact that Euclid officials spent half a mil fighting to keep their current system. I can’t wait to see which one of those dudes gets re-elected.

Finally, Cleveland Makes a Best-Of List!

Forbes has named Cleveland one of the best cities for singles. Well at least number 37 out of 40. Come on! It’s something people! I mean I guess there is a good side to all those people fleeing the city, they are leaving behind significant others! Poorest big city? That means your date won’t expect anything fancy!!! Shit, I don’t know why I didn’t see this before. I always knew Forbes was a fantastic piece of journalistic awesomeness, now my theories are fully confirmed! Get dating you horny little Clevelanders!

Posted under Hometown

Sick of Electricity? Didn’t Think so, but Just in Case…

Lehman’s Hardware in Kidron has been selling non-electric products for years, and strangely doing damn good at it. From the Amish, to Y2K freaks, and now those “green” lovers, the store has had a steady customer flow. Some people come for electric-free cabin accessories like propane-powered refrigerators, while others come for the “cool stuff” like, “more than 30 types of axes; a dozen varieties of pitchforks; hundreds of hunting knives; simple to ornate lanterns; copper kettles; railroad kegs; self-contained toilets; wringer washing machines; and the Enterprise Monarch, the world’s most decorative coal- and wood-burning stove.” Since when were axes cool? Did I miss out some lumberjack movement? Is flannel back in? Shit, I think I got rid of all of mine. Ah, whatever, I guess carrying a pitchfork around would be pretty badass. Go green or go home.

Bulletproof Backpacks, Motherfucker!

Two Boston dads have designed bulletproof backpacks. No, really. The backpacks are relatively light and are beginning to sell well on the men’s website. Still, Cleveland area school officials are bringing out the nay saying. “There is a huge difference between feeling safer and actually being safer,” says Kenneth Trump, president of the Cleveland-based National School Safety and Security Services. “Calls for bulletproof backpacks, arming teachers and using textbooks to deflect bullets may sound good to desperate parents, but the ideas are basically impractical to those who understand schools and kids.” I don’t know, the backpacks are also supposed to protect against machetes and hatchets, which we all know are “cool” and readily available at Lehman’s hardware, so maybe these aren’t a bad idea. I always thought textbooks were bulletproof.

Tattoos are Quite the Rarity

It’s that time of week again! You know, when I get to play Vanna White and roll out the most recent FUGITIVE OF THE WEEK!!!!!! Now that the applause has died down let’s be real serious here. This woman is going to be real real real easy to catch. You want to know why!? According to U.S. Marshal (what do they know, they couldn’t even catch the man with one arm when he killed Richard Kimble’s wife) Marshal Peter J. Elliott reports that Tammy Copen is “easily identifiable” because “She has tattoos on both of her forearms.” BAM! There it is! Look for a woman with tattoos on both forearms and then call the mother fucking police!!! We can do this! Whoooooo! Yeah!!!!! Oh, sorry about that, justice just gets me real riled up sometimes. Here’s the link.

Posted under Hometown

The X Bolex Album “This Time Next Year You Will Be Oxidizing Stone” will be available for purchase, and I (Denny) highly recommend it to everyone. I am really bad at writing reviews, but I have been listening to this cd over and over (which means it has to be good, right?).

Jerk is also releasing an album tonight as well.

The bands that are playing are going to blow your minds. I hope to see a lot of you there!

Posted under Hometown

For one Weekend Skip out on the Discotheque, Head Over to the Cinematheque

I guess I get titles like that when I start do this earlier than usual. Anyway, CIA’s Cinematheque is hosting a weekend of local films with everything from comedy, to fantasy-drama, and thrillers. Of course The Plain Dealer’s ace reporting only informs us that this is happening on Friday and Saturday. Lucky for you, unlike The PD staff, I know how to use google. So here’s the schedule. What is a little unnerving about the film choices however is that the Cinematheque’s director merely states, “Those just sounded like the more interesting features done in the past year or two in this area.” Has dude even seen the flicks? Note to self, when done making film give it a good title if you plan on having it shown at the Cinematheque.

The Noid Strikes Akron

A recent string of food delivery robberies in Akron have local pizza joints shaken up. One driver was even robbed twice this summer. The orders are typically for abandoned houses or apartment buildings. Once the drivers arrive and leave their cars they are jumped. Luckily the Akron police are investigating and have already determined, “Here you got people who are ruining that priviledge (sic) that we can be utilizing every day,” says Lt. Rick Edwards of the Akron Police Department. “It is alarming.” Hey, Rick, why don’t you stop worrying about whether you are going to have to go pick up that calzone and start and making some arrests? The god-damned Noid is easy enough to spot (Jesus, people still use Angelfire? And is that a digital version of Blitzkrieg Bop?). Well at least now we have another reason to bad mouth Akron.

Will You be My Guitar Hero?

That’s right mother fuckers! Guitar Hero tournaments at bars are no longer merely mythical events hosted in NYC and Boston, they are heading on over to Ohio!!! Scene has an article about the rise of Guitar Hero’s popularity, even if it is patchy (since when is Guitar Hero “Tetris-like?”) and how the game is now making the move into bars, including Glory Days at Kent State and Johnny Rotten’s. Start flexing those fingers now nerds, here’s your chance to shine. Oh, and don’t forget “Free Bird” is already banned.

Posted under Hometown

Need to Get Rid of Something or Someone? I Got just the Place

As was to be expected, there was plenty of flooding caused by all the recent storms, but who was worrying about sinkholes? In all honesty, not this guy, and probably not you either, so don’t get all scholarly and start explaining how sinkholes form, jerk. Well a 40-foot wide, 20-foot deep sinkhole has formed next to a house in East Cleveland. The hole was a result of a busted drainage pipe that devoured all the wet soil left from the rains. The sinkhole, which seems to be growing, could end up cutting into the foundation of the home next to it, which would be pretty sucky. Luckily the city is, “scrambling to come up with the $200,000 necessary to repair the pipe and fill the hole.” If a major city has to scramble to get $200,000 I might be a little more worried about said city than a sinkhole. Maybe I should try and keep a positive outlook though, much like the man whose house may be devoured by the sinkhole. Dude told Channel 5, “I could always fill it with water and put walleye in it.” If, after adding the walleye, he took 100 shits in it, emptied his garbage for a month there, and then flagged down a medical waste disposal vehicle and had them add their goods to the stew it would be a like a scale version of Lake Erie. I’d be the one to set it on fire.

Remember when Hating Bush was Cool?

Well The Free Times is making sure the torch gets lifted again. Okay, so maybe it was never down with that whole Iraq war thing and all, but Ohio has been fiending for some fuel for the fire, and now they’ve got it. The Free Times has a rather interesting piece concerning the fact that, “in 56 of Ohio’s 88 counties, some or all of the ballots and other elections records from the November 2004 presidential election were missing, lost or destroyed.” This came after a court order that all records be maintained so that strange occurrences, like a county reporting more votes than registered voters, could be checked into. There are plenty more details, most of which should rouse a good, “WTF!?” or two. Let’s get political.

Uh… What?

Phillip Morris (no not the company, silly! the dramatic and often inconclusive Plain Dealer columnist) goes after mayor Frank Jackson in this week’s column. Well sort of… maybe it’s more about abandoned buildings in the city. Actually, I guess it isn’t. I think what it’s really about is how leaders who can cry are popular right now. But, I guess that is really only a couple of lines. Shit, I think what this article is really about is Morris meeting his deadline, cause I can’t even make fun of something that jumps around this much. Plain Dealer goes stream of consciousness.

Posted under Hometown

Using Children to Fix Toilets at Browns Stadium

Sounds like child labor, right? Wrong! I just lured you in, suckers! I’ll guess I’ll stop basking in my clever titling skills and tell you what The Plain Dealer has to say. Yesterday 300 peeps, 110 of which were kids, flushed the toilets at Browns Stadium simultaneously. The test was done to check that repairs made after some serious flooding that occurred at a July 14th Kenny Chesney concert were up to snuff. So the lesson? If you get a piece of shit that big to play your stadium of course the toilets are going to get clogged! Zing! No, but seriously, I won’t be here all week so enjoy this.

One Ticketed in O-Hi-O

A Kent teacher is in court today to fight a ticket he received for posting an “Impeach Bush” sign in a public place. When the teacher, Kevin Egler, asked the officer who ticketed him why his sign was different from the reality signs that are placed in the same area the officer responded, “You don’t know the difference?” Zing! Oh, wait, I guess that’s actually not funny, nor explanatory. In fact that seems ambiguous and like a downright avoidance tactic from someone who doesn’t fully grasp the law but was personally offended by the political nature of the sign. Egler’s lawyer responded to this by saying, “there is a difference: The real estate sign is commercial speech, and Egler’s sign is political. Commercial messages do not have anywhere near the legal protections that political speech does.” Zing! There it is! Fight the man!

Sippin on Gin n’ Juice

A Cleveland councilman is demanding that a Seagram’s billboard that has the phrase, “I bring dope style and laughs, what do you bring to the party,” be removed from its East 185th Street location because it makes people think of drugs. When asked what he brings to the party the councilman looked down at his feet and responded in a hushed voice, “Wet blankets.” Next up on the chopping block: ads for Weed Killer. Zing?

Posted under Hometown

Sewers are a Dirty, Dirty Business

Take off your sunglasses; cause things just got reallllllll shady. William Schatz, a lawyer who has worked for the Sewer District (via VERBAL agreement) for years, is being offered $50,000 to retire and not sue his former employer. Sound wacky? It gets better. There are no written documents showing what Schatz has been paid over the 30 years he’s worked for the Sewer District, the FBI has an interest in Schatz, considering that he has represented 4 private clients against the Sewer District over the years, and there are a number of sewer contracts that have run well over budget. It’s been a while since we had a nice fat scandal to sink our teeth into. Enjoy.

Michael Vick’s Contribution to Cleveland

After Vick’s recent indictment for illegal dog fighting on his property, people have started to pay more attention to the issue in the Cleveland area. A News Channel 5 report details the damage done to pit bulls and also offer clues that might suggest your neighbor is training a dog for fighting purposes. These tips include bite sticks, swinging tires, and outdoor treadmills. I’m not sure if this last one is a joke or not, cause honestly why would a dog run on a treadmill unless it was training for a circus act that re-creates that OK Go video with dogs. The article also states that dog fighting is even becoming a problem with youths because of the national exposure Vick has brought to it. Thank god the authorities have jumped on this and the youth can be helped, unlike when Vick got charged with marijuana possession and no one gave a shit. Drugs = cool. Animal abuse? No way, dude.

You said, “Penis!”

The Free Times dishes out an editorial that seems like it could be funny (it’s about wieners) or could be informative (dudes do not understand everything about their male organs), but instead just answers banal inquiries with even more banal jokes. The guy seriously says that to get rid of a boner when in an embarrassing situation you should, “briskly tap your pants with your fingers and yell, ‘Down, down, down! Back, back, back!’” This is hard to get through, pun obviously intended.

Posted under Hometown