MyFriendCleveland

Where am I Going to get my Spicy Chicken Now?

Nelson Peltz, a Wendy’s shareholder whose company already owns Arby’s, is looking to buy up Dave Thomas’ chain of burger joints. Wendy’s has been looking to boost its stock price since April and will have to decide whether to sell by 5 PM Wednesday. Police across the country are already preparing for the riots that will follow the dissappearance of the Frosty and the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, or JBC as we call it in the biz. Take the Classic Triple challenge while you still can, people. And remember it only counts if you Biggie size.

You Better Save the Rest of that Beer for Later, Cause You Just Reached the Serving Size

The Treasury Department (why them? no one knows) has suggested new rules for alcohol labels. The new labels would not only have alcohol by volume info, but also nutrition information and serving size suggestions. So now when you are debating between Steel Reserve and Colt 45 you can be sure of which one has less calories. Bottoms up.

Horrible Music and Botched Reporting? Must be Scene!

While it may seem like a treat that Scene has cancelled their annual music awards (I’m hoping a certain website’s mocking of last year’s festivities aided in the shutdown), they’ve replaced them with a music fest. This means five downtown locations will be taken over by shit for a night. In case you care. And don’t worry; it’s not just the print edition that rubs people the wrong way…

In C-Notes (Scene’s blog) latest post they issue a story about Bigfoot hunting in Portage County. Yes, the usual bad jokes and quick-fire reporting do apply, but this time we get the added bonus of the man interviewed for the piece responding. Seems Paul Mitchell is not too happy about being misquoted and having important bits of info left out. This quote sort of sums it up,  “a 45 minute interview effectuates this unscrupulous, scurrilous reporting?” Ouch, and the hater list only grows.

Makes Sense, a Flower is What Brings People to the Zoo

Zoo workers have been waiting 13 years for a rare Sumatran flower to bloom and on Monday it did. The flower, Amorphophallus titanum (translated it means big morphing wiener) or corpse flower packs a little surprise however. The thing stinks like shit (I’m not going to sugar coat) and the quotes The Plain Dealer received from children looking at the flower only confirm this. “Poopy” and “toilet” were among their adjective choices. If you would like to get your fill of stink and you are tired of the decorum at your favorite public restroom, then you better head over to the zoo ASAP, because the flower won’t be blooming for much longer. Also, if you have a large fart to release, do it by the flower, no one will ever know.

New Dog Beach Brings Out Two Types of Creeps

Ohio’s second EVER dog beach has opened in Stow. The beach, which was receiving little to no traffic from people the past few years, was recently opened for dogs. Officials saw to it to even install a wash off station for the animals and means of disposing of poopy (used it in two articles today!) wastes. But be warned dog owners, before you hit the sand The Plain Dealer has made it clear that two types of creeps wait just beyond the dunes. The first says things like this, “When I first took Riley here and tossed him in the water, he was upset and wouldn’t speak to me for days.” You’re dog cannot talk, lady. The second are more passive, getting their kicks voyeur style and saying things like, “We find it a peaceful setting to watch the animals at play.” Who else do you like to watch at play, perv? Bring your dogs, but also bring your wits, people.

What Happened to all the News?

If you find any send it to Channel 19, cause those bastards are grasping at straws. On Saturday night the power went out at the Arch in St. Louis. It was out for three hours, which meant that the trams that take people up and down could not do so. Say it with me, “Big fucking deal.” Well Channel 19 and a group of Jesus freaks, I’m sorry youth missionaries, beg to differ. Seems six poopy (I had to use it somewhere) teens from Northeast Ohio were inside for the “ordeal.” Family and friends were even planning a welcome home party with t-shirts that read, I survived being trapped in the tram.” Survivors of real tragedies refused to comment.

Make sure you all check this out! It’s awesome to steal text from Music Saves’ Myspace page!

Also, their web page is up! CHECK IT OUT!
SATURDAY:

FREE! FREE! FREE!

AFTERNOON SHOW!

2-6pm

BEARS
COFFINBERRY
THE X BOLEX
SOFT SPOTS

DJ sets by Christine of stonecoldbikini (Thursdays 8-10am, WRUW 91.1fm)

Melanie will be a guest TOMORROW MORNING!

Food by CAFE MARIKA

After the show, EAT CAKE @ MUSIC SAVES

BYOB (carry-out beers available at the BEACHLAND)

seriously, go.

Just When You Thought Akron Couldn’t Get More Strange

The second annual Hamburger Festival has just kicked off in Akron. No, seriously. Seems the little city that could has attempted to lay claim to hamburger heritage even after The Hamburger Hearings (no, seriously) could not decide and an online poll declared Seymour, Wisconsin that rightful holder of the title “Hamburger Capital of the World.” To kick things off the mayor got all greasy in a hamburger eating competition. Yes, they are that hard up for tourists.Meanwhile over at the lake…

An Akron teen hooked an alligator. In Summit Lake. Ok, it was only five feet long, but still the Dog Warden (is this a real position?) had to show up and fish it out once the Akron police force learned that Steve Irwin was dead. And don’t worry animal lovers, the gator is now swimming in a kiddy pool at the humane society. Crikey.

Just When You Thought Lakewood Couldn’t Get Any More Rowdy

For the past 16 years Lutheran Metropolitan Ministries have been helping 16-21 year olds live on their own after rough upbringings and limited options. Seems a noble enough cause, one that Lakewood isn’t really a fan of right now. See, the program used to stick to mean streets of East Cleveland, but recently they decided these teens needed new stomping grounds, thus they moved to East Lakewood. Since the move there have been a number of complaints about the new residents, some simply stemming from the fact that they are (gasp!) black, but others from noise or fighting. Well now the teens face a new sort of problem, namely Mayor Tom George who asked the Ministries to move the teens out. Problem is George has no legal power to evict them himself. Welcome to the standoff.

A Little Something About Jimmy Legs

Ok, so it’s not C-Town related, but how often are you going to see a news article about jimmy legs? That’s what I thought. Read on, my friends.

If You’re Going to Shoot a Dog, Make Sure it’s Not a Cop

So you come home, you and your infant son are minding your own business when an unknown dog with no tags aggressively approaches you. Steven Vanderhoff found himself in this situation and proceeded to shoot the oncoming animal. Normally the owner of the dog would probably be in some shit, his animal has not tags, and almost attacked a kid, but the owner in this situation is a cop. That means that Steven received a 90-day suspended jail sentence and agreed to donate $250 to the humane society. If your bullshit detector isn’t blaring you better change the batteries.

More Serious Criminals Brought to Justice!

With the recent string of murders going on in C-Town I am ecstatic to see the police really cracking down on the killing of police dogs and fishermen bringing in more walleye then they are allowed. That’s right, there are very serious and ongoing investigations into catching too many walleye and selling walleye without a permit. If you don’t think this sounds absurd read the following lines

“Undercover wildlife officers began looking into the group in 2006 to see if they were selling walleye to restaurants. It turned out they weren’t, but the men were exceeding their limit during the spawning season when anglers are allowed to take four walleye per day.”

Since 2006! And you know the only reason these guys were busted for catching more than 4 fish in a day was because the “undercover” wildlife officers needed to maintain their boners after spending a year investigating something that wasn’t even going on. Wow. Ohio just got a whole lot safer, well, at least if you are a fish.

Get Ready for Some Great YouTube Footage

RTA police are being equipped with tasers that have video cameras on them. There is no explanation as to why this is happening except for the fact that it is “high-tech.” Also, RTA has splurged for the “Art House” version of the tasers, so all subsequent footage of brutality will be seen in black and white. Lock and load, fellas.

Seriously, Where Else Would a Poverty Tour Stop?

Presidential hopeful John Edwards will be heading into Cleveland today in order to discuss poverty issues. Seems John has heard about our number one status on that poorest big city list. And see we thought that shit would get us nowhere. While rumors that Edwards will be dressed in homeless garb and use food stamps have not been confirmed, it is certain that he will swing through Mount Pleasant and then Youngstown, Ohio before continuing on to an area with a 5 star restaurant and hotel for the night. Let’s here it for poverty!

Finally! The PHOTO section has been updated!

New pix include:by

Sidekicks, Echoes of Harper’s Ferry and Vietnam Werewolf at the Davenport. 7-12-07 by Denny
Erba’s B-day Bash at Now that’s Class (photos by Ryan Kennedy)

Vietnam Werewolf at the Tower. June 07. By Celeste Rybicki

Insurrect and Clan of the Cave Bear. Tower Flea market. by Denny

XBXRX, Silver Daggers, Clan of the Cave Bear. Beachland Tavern 3-27-07. By Denny and Brendan.

ALSO! Don’t miss this!

Think Before You Speak, or Vote in Congress.

Good ol’ Dennis has struck again, this time being one of only two congressman (the other a Texas Republican (if you’re not thinking oil, cowboy hats, and white suits you should be)) to vote against condemning Iran’s leader and asking the UN to look into violations of genocide conventions. Seems Mahmoud Ahmadinejad stated that he wants Israel to, “burn in the fire of the Islamic nations’ fury,” and Dennis didn’t see the problem. This could just be another Kucinich blunder, but it looks like this isn’t the first time he has upset the Jewish community in Cleveland. He only visited Lebanon when he went to the Middle East and he kept campaign contributions from a terrorist until the man was finally convicted. Things get even more interesting when The Plain Dealer throws us this juicy bit. “He has support from many Arab-Americans in his district, which does not have a big Jewish community.” Come on, Dennis, playing favorites? Shame on you. And don’t even think about singing to get out of this one.

I Almost Forgot The Plain Dealer Sucked

Luckily we get an article comparing Cleveland to the Simpsons’ Springfield. There are such dead-on comparisons as…

We both have TV news anchormen! We both have convenience stores! And we both have power plants! Talk about some serious research and in depth reporting. How do you nominate someone for a Pulitzer?

If you are bored however, or a rabid Simpsons fan, then read this article and find out how you can nominate Clevelanders who are most like Homer, Marge, Bart, and Lisa. Anyone got any news?

Want to Commit a Crime? Just Save up $1,000 First

Before I give you the details of yet another wonderfully written Scene article, let me warn you, the humor contained in said article is on par with Family Circus. With that said, lets take a look at our wonderful criminal justice system. Cuyahoga County has been offering the 10 percent bond since the 1970s. What does this mean? Well if you are arrested and bail is set at $10,000 all you have to pay is $1,000 to be released. Guess what? A lot of people like to pay this and then not come back for their trial. One man out of Cincinnati has 30 warrants for his arrest, because he simply keeps paying the 10 percent. The result is a mass of criminals just keeping it real on the mean streets of C-Town. The Cuyahoga County Sheriff’s Department does regularly bust them, but there is really no end in sight. I would use the shocking statistic of 13,260, but Scene manages to leave out what the start date is for this amount of arrests only letting us know that that number comes as of May 31. So if you are planning a robbery or assault in the near future start saving up now.

Dubya Does Cleveland

That’s right, the second-term suck fest continues in Cleveland today where President Bush will discuss his new plan for Iraq, (I think that’s the 4th this month) which now includes removing some troops. It seems it only took the disgust of most Americans, and the cold shoulder from fellow Republicans, for Bush to realize his shit ain’t working. Despite Bush’s concessions the man still thinks his new plan won’t have things under control until January 2009. You know, long after he has left office. At least The Plain Dealer reporter covering the story seems to have a sense of humor noting that, “Although he said in 2005 that ‘I will settle for nothing less than complete victory,’ Bush has concluded, with just 18 months left in office, that he will have to settle for less.” Booya! The master of the universe will deliver his speech from the Cleveland Clinic.

Jesse Williams! Come on Down!

Did you forget about WKYC’s hot new game show, Fugitive of the Week? I know I did! But this week it’s back with a bang! Just look at this former Nu-Metal band bassist with his hemp necklace, I like 2 Fast 2 Furious facial hair, and supreme buzz cut! If poor fashion sense were a crime this guy would have been locked up years ago. My douche bag senses are tingling!

Golly, Look at that Harvest!

The President is in town, people are still fleeing the city, drug dealers are taking joy rides, and shit is just generally hitting the fan. So what does The Akron Beacon Journal have to say about it? Sweet Corn, baby!!!!! Yeah, son, it’s that time of year, so get your ass down to the farm and cash in on this cash crop! Just don’t forget, “When we’re really uncomfortable, corn is growing and thriving.” Words to live by.

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