MyFriendCleveland Get used to it

Guess Who’s Still Shrinking?

Don’t be such a perv, it’s Cleveland! Looks like The Plain Dealer is doing their monthly rehash on the sad state of C-Town by throwing out some nasty census stats. Cleveland is down to 440,000 people, has lost 7% of its population in the last 6 years, and has dropped to the 40th largest city in the U.S. Luckily some top thinkers are already assessing the situation and drawing such downright innovative conclusions as, “We need to get behind a single plan for attracting immigrants. Without them, we’ll never grow.” Wow. Others suggest merging the Cleve with Cuyahoga County which would shoot us up to number 7 on the largest city scale. You ruined everything suburbs! I hope you’re happy.

Want to Laugh at Deadbeat Parents?

So here’s the situation: 121 parents owe child support money in Summit County, but rather than have the police track them down, perhaps arousing nosy neighbors or inquisitive employers, Prosecutor Sherri Bevan is offering the parents a chance to turn themselves in during The Fugitive Safe Surrender event. That is what they titled it, not me. Thankfully Summit County and the ever-vigil Plain Dealer have released when and where all this will happen, which is pretty funny considering that they are doing this to help people save face. Someone needs to turn this into a spectacle. Does anyone have Carl Monday’s digits?

“Whenever I feel down, I just think of Bob Evans and Dave Thomas leading a belligerent Colonel Sanders out of a country restaurant”

Seems like a strange dream, eh? Well it’s real, fuckers! At least that is what one Free Times reporter who met the late great Evans claims. Seems the Colonel was a fanny grabbing drunk, which isn’t too surprising, but Bob Evans, Dave Thomas, and Colonel Sanders hanging out together? Come on! A meeting of the minds that monumental sounds like an SNL sketch, or my version of heaven. Get the extra-crispy story here.

Crazy Vegan Conquers Letterman Tomorrow!

Yes, that crazy vegan is none other than the vertically impaired, probably has a mental disorder congressman Dennis Kucinich! Tune in and find out if dude will be performing “Sixteen Tons” as the musical guest, or if he will just be drawing laughs by speaking. Should be great YouTube material either way.

GO HERE TONIGHT!!!

Posted under Hometown

Rich People take Homeless Dudes over Strip Club

Oh, Phillip Morris, I thought your cool as a cucumber photograph would separate you from the rest of the Plain Dealer columnists, but I was wrong. You suffer from limited diction (see “Elvis stuff” and describing the homeless as “loud men”) just like your co-workers. Let’s just get to the column, shall we?

A new homeless shelter is being constructed at 1550 Superior Ave., a location previously owned by the North Point Inn and a strip club. And well, some noses are being upturned at the idea considering that a $250 million project complete with sensational shopping and sexy new condos is planned for the same area. At least Morris seems excited closing out his piece with a slew of absolutely killer one liners such as, “The payoff can only be measured in lives saved,” and “For once, a homeless solution is slated to be forged in the open.” Can you blame the guy? He probably had some teacher along the way that informed him that the closing was the most important part. Me, I just throw in a link.

In an Aeroplane Over Lake Erie

Ohio has offered $16 million to help Continental airlines expand their hub at Hopkins. Seems like quite the tasty offer for the airline conglomerate, but there are a few other things to consider. Houston and Newark, N.J. could both offer up sweeter deals (you guys didn’t forget we are the POOREST big city, did you?) and it seems just a wee bit weird that Ohio is can throw out such a huge number when they are having a shitload of trouble balancing the budget. Still, when the Plain Dealer is popping out articles like this, any extra money thrown at Hopkins seems like a good idea. Don’t be looking for a link here, I gave you three already, gluttons.

And We Wonder Why Scene Continues to Suck

Maybe it’s because people keep awarding them. Shut your mouths tight right now people, because you are going to vomit at least a little bit when you read this. Scene was named Ohio’s best non-daily paper for the 3rd year in a row. Now make sure it is still shut, cause it looks like they won 23 awards total. Even C-Notes seems to recognize the absurdity of this stating, “Scene writers, the best journalists in Ohio? We’re as surprised as you are.”

They said Mushroomhead was the best band in Cleveland, Mushroomhead. I think I need to go lie down, or least have a stiff drink. Sham.

Posted under Hometown

Seriously, WTF, Dudes!

I’m pretty sure I used the above title after a much shorter hiatus, but whatever, at least you got something new to look at. Our login issues have been conquered thanks to some supreme hacking on the part of yours truly (supreme hacking = remembering the username needed to login) and now we are all set to snark again. Right now I have the urge to somehow incorporate “mother fuckers” into this post with a disgusting amount of exclamation points following, but alas instead I’d like to say a big what up to the guys down at the docks, teamsters local 108, and the message board for providing the most gentle and well-intended kick to the crotch I have ever received.

Two Posts!?

We need to get back on top of this event shit too, but for now here’s a little something for you weekend browsers…

Posted under Hometown