MyFriendCleveland Get used to it

Some Straight-Up Clockwork Orange Shit

Seriously, WTF. An old man living in the Slavic village area who has constantly been harassed by teens died earlier this week after going outside to investigate when the same teens tried to break in through his bathroom window and he was attacked. The man had already been robbed, as many other elderly in the area have been. He is also not the first to be murdered. This raises two questions. What the hell are the cops doing? This dude had been reporting the incidents and one of his previous attackers had lived across the street, so why wouldn’t they check out this area. And the second is what kind of cowardly pricks attack elderly people? Shit’s lame, guys, wake up.

Mr. Kucinich Goes to Washington

And what exactly is little Dennis doing with the big boys? Singing slave songs? Yelling and screaming about not being a puppet? Nope, Dennis is complaining about sports complexes and how local governments or residents should not fund them. And of course Cleveland serves as a prime example of why they shouldn’t, with Kucinich pointing out that Cleveland’s economy is worse off then before they built the new stadiums, with more vacant spaces and fewer jobs in the city. Thanks for making us look good, Dennis.

Hip Hop and You Don’t Stop, Unless Someone’s Dad Complains

Chris Jackson took his son to get some LeBron kicks from Nu Flava for his birthday and ended up leaving the store in a huff when he heard loud, explicit music playing and the owner refused to turn it off. The owner doesn’t even understand the music, but claims the store is not for youngsters, while Chris is now planning a boycott. Does this kid have access to a radio? Cause if so he’s going to hear the shit on his own, pops, and besides I think there are more important things to worry about, like say teenagers who beat old people. Get the kid some earplugs and then get him some LeBrons damn it.

Posted under Hometown

Sammy Gets all Racial

I bet you thought we forgot about Sam Fulwood didn’t you? Well we didn’t, and everyone’s favorite go-nowhere columnist takes a look at the recent city council outburst that white council members are not supporting their black colleagues. Sam seems to think the cause of the problem is not that there is no support in the council, but that the pressure from black constituents is on a serious increase thanks to police shootings, drugs, no jobs, etc. But what makes this column lean into the realm of the bizarre is Sammy’s final statement. He says that council members “must get serious about saving the city. Or Cleveland may lose its cool and reveal its ugly side.” Is that a threat, Sam? I didn’t know you had it in you big guy! Does that mean that behind the big smile and Thinker-like hand on chin there lurks a man who thinks violence brings change? Stay tuned, folks, Fulwood may yet turn out to be interesting.

Only a Few Years in Prison if You Call Right Now!

Leave it Cleveland’s personal gossip rag Scene to dish out another dirty ditty written more like a sassy story than a journalistic piece. This time around Scene looks into infomercial King Paul Monea (Billy Blanks is amongst his wondrous credits) and how he ropes in lawyers, chews them up, and spits them right into cozy little jail cells. And just what does any of this have to do with Cleveland you ask? Well Monea’s latest lawyer (this one needed for a $19 million diamond transaction) is comin straight outta Akron. I thought lawyers were smart.

EVERYONE Wants you to Leave Cleveland

At least once a month you are probably reminded (by MyFriendCleveland mostly) that people are continuously getting the hell out of Cleveland. Most recently we learned that the amount of people leaving here is nearly as bad as the amount of people who left hurricane-ravaged land, which is pretty sad. So, leave it to Halle Berry to tell a room full of Clevelanders that if they want to have a film career they need to leave The Mistake by the Lake. Berry then went on to say that if Cleveland wanted to make films here they needed a film studio. Well it looks like Halle knows as much about Cleveland film-making as she does about Cleveland night-life with The Free Times ending their article with a list of Cleveland based film-makers, even if they do warn that they are mostly “gore/horror/whore-oriented.” Hell, aren’t most things Cleveland that way?

And You Thought Henry Rollins was Wacky!

That’s right Hank ain’t the only punk-icon to invade YouTube with hilarious content. Meet Book TV correspondent-hopeful, Glenn Danzig! And don’t worry, fans can breathe a little easier, it was shot in black and white and Glenn is not wearing a shirt. See Glenn’s discourse here. Oh, and in case you just can’t get enough Danzig (I know I can’t!), here is Glenn getting jacked. Toodles!

Posted under Hometown

Bike Nerds now have King James in their Corner

LeBron has acquired a portion of Cannondale Bicycle Corp., a company that made a custom bike for him to ride during last year’s King for Kids bike-a-thon. Seems LeBron is a fan of bike riding, saying that it plays a major role in his off-season training. Hopefully LeBron’s interest will help the company who went bankrupt in 2003 after attempting to start a motorcycle line. Do you think he wears biker shorts when he rides? That would be a real cred killer.

Just Some More Robbery

A Westlake man has been accused of stealing money from the sports booster club where he volunteers. But here’s the thing, if you name your organization the Westlake Demons Club and you don’t expect to hire at least one criminal or all-around evil dude than you are an idiot, a big dumb idiot. Demons. Good PR move, fellas. Why didn’t you just call the shit The Den of Thieves?

What to do with Land in Green

This almost pains me to link this story, but news is painfully slow today. So before I go on, for those of you just looking for something interesting, whether Cleveland related or not, do yourself a favor and read about this woman who tried to smuggle three crocodiles, that were strapped to her body, across the Egypt-Gaza border. Now, back to the boring stuff. So yeah, in Green there is some city property available at the end of Town Park Blvd. and City Council must decide whether to use it for a City Hall or new housing for seniors. I am going to stop right here and ask one of our faithful readers to do me a favor and write a letter to the Akron Beacon Journal’s editor that simply states, “Who gives a shit.” Cause I honestly want to know who. Here’s hoping tomorrow is A LOT more interesting, or at least a lot more full of animal smuggling stories.

Posted under Hometown

16 Months Sure Beats Life

Cynthia George was released from prison after the Ohio Court of Appeals decided she was innocent of conspiracy to murder a former lover. George returned home last night with The Plain Dealer in tow to relate all the heart-warming moments. This could be disturbing because an innocent woman was locked up for 16 months, or disturbing because a guilty woman now walks free and it will be difficult for the Ohio Supreme Court to reverse innocence. Either way, what is most definitely disturbing is the fact that all seven of George’s children have names that start with an “A.” Alysiarose! Antoinette! Audrianna! Anthony! Annamaria! Allivia! and Angelica! Yeah, something is wrong here, I just don’t know if it is a crime.

Political News in C-Notes?

Yes, I am as baffled as you are, but somehow Scene’s blog, better known for stacking bullshit on bullshit (see the story about girl metal group Kittie below this piece (I shit you not, they still exist)), have some info about a representative of Cleveland’s East Side Organizing Project heading to D.C. to discuss shady mortgage lending practices. To make things even more uncharacteristic, it doesn’t read like it was written by a fifth grader with frat boy aspirations, or maybe a frat boy with fifth grade reading level aspirations. Go figure.

Not a Big Fan of Rashes

Beloit Elementary reopened today after shutting down when about 30 students contracted a red, itchy rash. So far investigators have been unable to determine what caused the rash, but school officials want the kids back in their desks. You’d think it would be an STD, but there is no way in hell some of those kids are getting laid! I mean seriously. So obviously it’s just one dirty kid going in the coat room and trying on the jackets of all the kids who have been a dick to him, but how do you prove that? I swear I’m starting to itch now.

Posted under Hometown

And I Thought that Exodus in the Bible Was Big

Yes, we are poor and dangerous, but does that mean everyone needs to haul ass out of here? A recent study reveals that Cuyahoga County has the 6th largest exodus of residents. Doesn’t sound too bad right? Well, let’s consider this, 4 of the top 5 counties were ravaged by hurricane Katrina, meaning that we are actually 2nd place to Detroit’s Wayne County. And if you are looking for some intelligent discourse on the matter look no further than Paul Oyaski, director of the Cuyahoga County Department of Development, who told the Plain Dealer, “Clearly the trend is not at all favorable or positive.” Someone give this guy a raise, the rest of you can start bragging to your friends who live elsewhere.

Where is the Extra Money from those Smokes Going?

Apparently nobody knows. The Free Times tracked down Cathy Boyle, the woman who will be in charge of distributing the new cigarette tax money for the arts. So far Kathy ain’t done shit except to look for an office, one that there is no money to pay for at the moment. The taxes went into effect in February, but there is still not even a board set up for Kathy to answer to. With goals like the, ”ability of the work to advance the region’s image as a producer and exporter of innovative artistic work,” and “ability of the project to positively impact Cuyahoga County’s economy,” it’s no wonder that Boyle is concerned about the work of the non-existent board. Vague and ambiguous, that seems to be how all cigarette related laws are around here.

Oh, Court System, You so Crazy!

Cynthia George, Ohio’s claim to fame back in 2005 for conspiring with a lover to have her husband killed, is one step closer to going free. The Appeals court denied prosecution’s attempts to keep George locked up which means the Ohio Supreme Court is their last option. Honestly, I think I’d rather just watch Law and Order than keep reading these articles. Go to it, law nerds!

Posted under Hometown

I Party Too Damn Hard to be Mayor!

While I’m sure most of us had a killer St. Patty’s celebration (we were still hung over Monday, hence no update) it looks like Norton Mayor Joseph Kernan really took the cake. Cops found Kernan’s pick-up blocking a road in Bay Village where Mr. Mayor was still passed out. Kernan received a DUI charge after rocking the old breathalyzer with twice the legal limit. There are no official charges yet, but the man did resign yesterday. They should go easy on him however, seeing as how it takes 20 DUI charges to lock you up around here.

Cops Ruin Yet Another Party

Shit in Summit County will just not calm down! Right on the heels of the Norton mayor’s resignation the SWAT team raided a crack house. The results? They scooped up everything needed for a proper rap video shoot including cash (to be thrown at the camera), 2 guns (to be waved at the camera), crack (to be bagged/ sold in front of the camera), and pit bulls (to look down right bad ass in front of the camera). There were also a 15 and 16-year-old boy there, not sure yet how they fit into the video shoot, but we will keep you posted.

Who Doesn’t Love Long Inconvenient Construction Plans?

That’s right, folks, part of I-77 will be shut down for a year and a half starting the first week of April! Get excited! Cause you know a year and a half estimate really equals two years easy! Honestly I can’t wait! Drivers coming from the southeastern suburbs are going to have to find new routes because they are working on the bridge that goes over 480! I think I’m going to throw a “NEW ROUTE” party where everyone wears orange road construction gear and we lay maps out all over the floor and plot new routes for each other! I’ll bring the martinis!

Everyone Needs to Stop Crying for Five Minutes

It’s been a long time since we left you without a story related to the Summit County police to step to (that was going to be the title, but shit is that long). After making a “bumpy” landing at the Akron-Canton airport a passenger leaving the plane joked, “That was a terrible landing. The pilot must be drunk.” Well seems that everyone has such a hard-on for airport drama these days that the entire flight crew had to be tested for alcohol, which came up negative and postponed their next flight. The airport claims they lost $5,000 because of delays and the man who made the comments is being charged with inducing riot. The last flight I was on I made a joke about the flight attendant being drunk after she hummed the I Dream of Jeanie theme song while demonstrating how to use the air mask. Good thing there were no narcs sitting near me. That’s right, narcs, I know you’re out there now and I’m going to keep my biting sarcasm all to myself. So suck on that! One last round of applause for the Summit County cops!

Posted under Hometown

Cleveland Goes Internet Nerd

Case Western will reveal Cleveland 2.0 today, an addition to the Second Life world. Users will be able to enter the Rock Hall, the Cleveland Clinic, and other fantabulous locations. So what does this mean? Now people have even less reason to go into the city. Wait to go, guys.

Get Your Film On

Cleveland’s International Film Festival started yesterday at Tower City, and The Free Times has the lowdown, or at least they do after a cheeky little anecdote. Get film descriptions and cravings for chocolate covered gummy bears right here.

Just a Good Old Fashioned Con

For 15 years a Westlake woman has been making false returns to department stores, having the resulting funds placed on a credit card and then laundered by her daughter. To make it even better the woman was living off of disability checks and food stamps while racking up almost $2 million. The trial is underway and looks like the daughter is pulling the old, “I had nothing to do with this, my mom is CRAZY!” Good luck with that.

Posted under Hometown

What Did you do When You Were 13?

I know I was listening to way too much Nirvana and playing Goldeneye like the shit was going out of style, but looks like kids these days have different notions of fun. A 13-year-old from Nelsonville, Ohio is being charged with 128 felony charges. Seriously, this makes that 20 DUIs guy look like a chump. Seems this kid has a penchant for break-ins, theft, vandalism, and, get this, beating witnesses. My guess why all this happened? I mean it’s pretty obvious, people. Demons, plain and simple.

Earthquake Scare Tactics! Go!

We had a weak-ass quake earlier this week, one that caused no damage or injuries, and The PD just can’t let it go. Seems Cleveland is so hard up for extreme news that we get an article about what the recent “MINOR” earthquakes could mean for the future of Ohio. Basically an ass from the Plain Dealer continuously asks if the two recent earthquakes could mean more serious shit is on the way and the dude from the Ohio Seismic Network answers with such devastating nail biters as “I don’t know,” and “No.” The Plain Dealer shoots… And misses! What a surprise. Wait to scare some old people, pricks.

How Many People are Going to go Looking for this Bar?

Scene has done it again, folks, offering a story strictly constructed to shock. This time it is a tale of Amish girls getting their city-folk on. Ever heard of rumspringa? No, it’s not some new shot they serve in The Flats. It’s that time when the Amish can do whatever they want until they decide to join their church. Well lucky for us Scene has tug along for the ride with a couple of the gals. You’ve got to love rural Ohio, where racial profiling means pulling over Amish buggies.

Posted under Hometown

Cuff Those Jeans and Clip that Bag Across Your Chest

For those about to get nitpicky: yes this does have to do with mountain biking and not street biking, making the title not exactly legit, but whatever, be happy your getting news today, two-wheelers. MidTown Cleveland Inc. is looking to build a $1.1 million dollar mountain biking park near East 55th street. and Euclid. So far however the dudes in charge have only managed to weasel $100,000 from our ever-loving government. That means mad money still needs to be raised and the group is looking for corporate help. But don’t worry, there will be dirt jumps.

Ohio: Hard Up for Natural Disasters

Hey, listen, we get to hear about hurricanes, blizzards, tsunamis, and all that other shit, so when we get hit with a “minor” earthquake we can revel in it, ok. Last night a 3.6 magnitude quake hit parts of Portage, Summit, and Cuyahoga counties. As could be expected people freaked out (you know grandma called someone) over rattling dishes and dogs jumping up, with one man even stating that, “it felt like somebody ran into our house with a car.” If you know what that feels like, I’m very sorry, but I really think there would be a bit more of a drafty feeling coming from the huge hole. In the wake of the quake (everybody likes rhyming, right?) many shaken citizens bombarded police stations with calls. Which means that instead of stalking women, officers had to answer phones. No damage gained, just fuel for bad conversations.

A K Not So Rowdy

Just when you think Pitchfork has forgotten about the existence of Cleveland, they talk with The Black Keys. Drummer Patrick Carney goes on about A LOT of stuff. Pitchfork name drops Danger Mouse and Ike Turner to get mouths watering, but their is also label and music talk too, folks. In other words, too much for me to wax clever and snarky on right here. Instead you can enjoy the Q and A yourselves. I kind of forgot this band existed.

Posted under Hometown

For the Adoring Public

Dear Dave Evans,
After you clean up the load in our undies that this is inevitably going to cause, why don’t you tell us what you think of our newest addition to the columns section.
Love,
YourFriendCleveland

More Letters from Hank

We don’t have much time for a news update this morning, so to keep you laughing, I’m posting yet another “letter” from good old Henry Rollins. This one is for Laura Bush, and boy is it funny.

Posted under Hometown

The Scene, Still Trying To Ride the Carl Monday Wave

Remember when Carl Monday was the talk of the town? Jonny Stewart (we’re on that level) did a piece on him, our message board was on fire, the phrase “You Jackin’ It?” rolled off Jon Rybicki’s tongue every twenty minutes. But then, much like internet jokes, the fad passed, and jokes about Carl became old hat. The Scene, however, is keeping it old-school, and refuses to fall into the newest joke fad. Check out this hilarious doctored memo they posted. (ed note: hilarious, in this case, is defined as “not hilarious.”)

Free Times Tackles Brand New Issues

I can’t say what’s worse, the Free Times actually publishing an article about “friends with benefits” (not actually called that, but that’s what they’re referring to) or the fact that the tag line of the article makes reference to a (recent) Fall Out Boy song. I guess the line is actually appropriate, but that just makes me picture the writer of this article, sitting in her room, typing away, writing a line about Slayer to establish cred, but then giving herself the proverbial handjob because she was clever enough to think of “This Ain’t a Thing, It’s a Goddamn Time Waste” to describe an article about non-fruitful relationships. If you ask me, they’re paying all the wrong people these days.

Global Warming My Ass

Everyone’s all “oh the environment, it’s all going down, we’re all going to burn.” HOGWASH!!! Why is it hogwash? Because Ohio LOVES the environment. We plant more trees, per year, than any other state. Can you believe it? I sure can. I know that in 2006 I planated at least 7 trees, and I think my dad planted 11. It’s not so much the environment I care about, but I plant the trees, let them grow, and then cut them up come winter, because I don’t have gas at my house, so I burn them in the fireplace. Read about us saving the planet here.

It’s Going To Be One Hell of a Weekend Update

We got a little surprise planned for this monday, so make sure you are here bright and early to see it.

Posted under Hometown

Guy Spends Life Preparing for Revolution, Ends Up Dying of Natural Causes

You ever get that feeling that you’re just kind of waiting for something, but you’re kind of nervous that you’re going to die before you ever see it happen? Well now you know what Bob Eye feels like. The 63 year old was found dead in his house, which happened to be stocked with over 100 guns, dynamite, blasting caps, and over 1,000 rounds of ammunition. Quote of the century from the cops here: “One spark and there could have been a big fire on Kingston.” You don’t say.

I Just Saw an Awesome Commercial

Usually I think dating websites are stupid, because they are. I hated that dude from Match.com who would tell me about my personnality analysis, and I hated it even more when Dr. Phil started giving me some “love tips.” Chubby bald dudes with ’staches have no right to tell me any “love tips.” But on the old television I just saw a commercial for FarmersOnly.com with the tagline “City fold just don’t get it.” No we don’t.

The Message Board Now All Up Newsy

Yesterday a message was posted on our message board (how coincidental) about a video of Ann Coulter calling John Edwards a faggot (That video here). I happened to hear her on the radio today defending herself, saying “That term is just a school-yard taunt, and it has no reference to his sexual preferences.” A charming quote, Ann, but let’s be honest, it’s a school yard taunt because 5-year-old’s don’t know what the word “faggot” means. But you’re all growns up Ann, and you do know what it means. And if it is just a school-yard taunt, you’re pretty much admitting that you have the vocabulary of a 5-year-old, and that your train of thought is also that of a 5-year-old. How embarrassing.
But rather than go on, I’ll let my buddy Hank explain in his letter.

Not Much News, Don’t Really Care

There wasn’t much news today, Cleveland wise. Get hip to the Scooter Libby fiasco if you’re not, but otherwise, we’re pretty slow. We had a rough week being down a staff member, and we’re recovering as best we can. Updates may come in the morning or in the evening, so make sure you check back often. The Scene and Free Times come out today, Wednesday, so that will give me some DYNAMITE material for tomorrow. Thanks for the support. I’m off to eat a burrito.

Posted under Hometown

Rock Hall Ceremony Announcements, Oh My!

More info has been revealed about the 2007 Rock Hall Induction Ceremony, which of course will not be held in Cleveland where the Rock Hall is, but in New York. Let’s blow another chance to actually get people to come to here. Anyway, the inductees, Van Halen, REM, Patti Smith, Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five, and The Ronettes have already been announced, but now we get word on just who will be introducing each of the artists. Jay-Z tops the wow scale with Eddie Vedder and Keith Richards not far behind and Zach De La Rocha and Velvet Revolver grabbing the “WTF” slot at the bottom. Does anyone even care?

Jesus Indicted on Stalking Charges

Not that Jesus! Damn you people are gullible. Lorain police officer (these guys just keep racking up the points) Jesus Sanchez was indicted on charges of forcibly kissing, making threatening phone calls, and pulling over the victim 15 to 20 times for no reason. And just what did this fabulous example of a gentleman have to say about the situation? According to The Plain Dealer, “Sanchez claimed in an affidavit that other officers had lured women to have sex with them and had stalked women. They were never disciplined, he said, and considered their actions a perk of the badge.” These are the kind of things that make me feel safer on the streets at night.

A Little More Scandal Never Hurt Anyone

Scene gives the low down on Fred Nance, a Cleveland lawyer who ranked at the top of Inside Business magazine’s “Power 100″ list. Looks like Fred ain’t exactly the perfect citizen, with much of his money coming from former mayor Mike White, including a big fat check for being legal advisor for the construction of Browns Stadium. Not exactly something most people would want on a resume. Get some more dirt.

Posted under Hometown

Music That Does Not Deserve Awards

It’s always great when one of our fine weeklies cranks out an awards issue, and then we learn just how sadly out of touch they are. Well The Free Times have their music awards issue cramming newsstands this week and the results, as usual, are, how should I say, interesting. Two reasons to high five the staff though, one being that Machine Go Boom nabbed best indie/underground band, and the other being that there is no mention of Mushroomhead. Keep your speeches short, cause no one gives a shit.

Freedom Haters Beware the Blog!!!

A Kent State prof who was thrown to the wolves after publishing an article about the motivations of a suicide bomber three years ago, is under assault again. Julio Pino, a Muslim convert, was accused by Mike Adams via the blog Townhall.com that he is linked to an extremist Islamic website. As a result of these unfounded comments Pino and the University have been receiving threats and the rest of us, well, we are just reminded that Americans hate Muslims and perspectives of the rest of the world that differ from those given by Fox News. Someone light some sparklers and change the name of french toast, cause we’ve got a serious security breach.

Oh, Wal-Mart, Sometimes I Just Want to Give You a Huge Hug and Never Let Go!

Scene (of all people) go the ever-popular route of bashing mega corporation Wal-Mart, but get this! They’ve got facts and new info! Something doesn’t seem quite right here, but enjoy it while it lasts, people. Seems hillbilly fav Wal-Mart hasn’t been doing so hot the past few years resulting in a massive PR compaign, one that culminated with the announcement that the new Wal-Mart in Steelyard Commons will forgo $10 million in Cleveland tax money. But as Scene (still can’t believe this) points out, shit it ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Just when you thought you couldn’t hate them more.

Posted under Hometown