MyFriendCleveland

Get Your Box Off My Tree Lawn

AT&T is developing a new high-speed, ultra glam version of television to be unleashed in Northeast Ohio that will rival cable and offer an alternative to rising rates. The downside you ask? Well, in order to rock this new technology “boxes” must be installed, and AT&T has been choosing tree lawns as their new homes. The boxes, which the Plain Dealer describes as being, “the size of an armoire or home-entertainment center,” are placed without the homeowners consent. To make things worse it appears that local and federal law doesn’t have the power to tell AT&T where to put the boxes. This is what the future is going to look like, people.

Even Senior Citizens Mock Plain Dealer

A soon to be 60 retired teacher has worked her way into Michael, you’ve already heard too many jokes about my face, McIntyre’s latest column because of her grammar skills. Seems she started with a senior discount card and then moved on to one of our favorite targets, The Plain Dealer. Our hats are off to you, just please don’t check our site for errors.

How Cleveland is Getting Down for MLK Day

The Rock Hall is offering free admission today, something you might want to check out considering that shit is expensive, plus a speaker and performances to help celebrate MLK day. Get the info here.

Cleveland Clinic: World’s Top Dog Killing Hospital

Ok, I could try and make some jokes here and/or explain the situation, but instead I will let this part of the Plain Dealer article explain.

“A neurosurgeon on Wednesday caused an aneurysm in the brain of the large, mixed-breed dog so that a medical device could be used to treat the condition.”

Shit gets a little more crazy too. Seems the doctor in charge of the operation submitted a request to use the dog, but didn’t wait to get approval. Also when PETA questioned the new device’s manufacturer they stated they had no idea said operation was scheduled to take place. Something is a little fishy here.

The Best Way to Stay Safe is to go on the News

A woman saying that she fears for her son because of something he witnessed has gone on the news to talk about being afraid. Sound weird? Well besides the fact that people who may not have known where to look for her son now do, just check out the lack of information the report provides. Shady.

A Little Pick Me Up

While today’s first two story choices aren’t exactly smile inducing, this third will blow your mind. Bone Thugs are mounting a comeback, with a new major label album. These guys are so hot the report came from Alaska where they are soon to play a show. Will Bone Thugs lead the Cleveland revolution? Were they tied to the recent cocaine busts? This article will not answer either of those questions, but it does mention Hennessey.

Bush’s Own Not Down in Ohio

After Dubya’s ever-articulate announcement that he wanted more troops last night Ohio republicans (that’s right) responded with some opposition. Looks like the GOP boys are aren’t quite seeing what the pres is. Rep. Steve LaTourette even went so far as to join other Republicans in sending a letter to Bush prior to his speech asking him not call for more troops. How long until these guys get called terrorists?

Crack, We Called it Diet Coke

We told you yesterday about the yayo (one of three spellings listed on wikipedia and urban dictionary, and the one used by G Unit member Tony Yayo (and we all know rappers never spell anything wrong)) busts on the East Side, well the Plain Dealer now has full details on the long term plan that brought yesterday’s actions to fruition. There all sorts of fascinating cop defined goodies here such as the 3 tiers of drug networking and the story behind the name “7 Alls.” Get your fix.

C-Notes Bombs Again

Scene’s wonderful blog has not only dropped the ball this time, but deflated it, set it on fire, and stomped on the ashes. A recent post has them hating on extra large and easy target Panic! at the Disco by posting the youtube video where the singer gets hit in the head with something thrown by an audience member. They refer to this shit as “recent” (this was on our message board in September) and end said blog post with the simple, yet eloquent, statement, “pussies.” Read it if you must, then look at Panic! at the Disco in a whole new light.

Big Blow Bust

That’s blow as in nose candy, yayo, or for you boring white people, cocaine. The police have been on a mad dash this morning to arrest 44 people who have been indicted on the East Side. Some of those indicted are members of the 7-Alls gang whose territory the Plain Dealer lists like it’s a shout out from a Bone Thugs song. How many of you are picturing a scene from Scarface right now?

More Wikipedia Talk

If you are reading this you obviously use the internet. I was going to attempt to make a logical connection from there to the fact that you use Wikipedia, but whatever. A lot of people read Wikipedia, a lot of people talk about it, and a lot of people debate about it. So you want some more? Well The Free Times has got another strange entry into the world of Wiki, namely why certain pages are taken down and others, with wrong info, are allowed to stay. Here comes the hipster water cooler talk.

Somebody Doesn’t Like Drag Queens

The Free Times weighs in on the recent influx of using the opposite sex to play already established roles in theater. Dude gets a little pissy as he fires off convoluted sentences, leaving you with an article that seems to be lacking in the unbiased department. What’s your beef with dressing in drag, fella?

That’s Going to be a Long Drive Home

Buckeyes lose national championship to Florida. That’s right. After all they hype, all the articles, all the road trips, and all the delayed inauguration parties, the Ohio State Buckeyes lose after an undefeated season. Even us cynical old jerks here at MyFriendCleveland are saying “what a bummer.”

Barber Fights For Dog’s Rights

The Plain Dealer, always keeping us informed on the important stuff, writes an article about a barber in Canal Fulton who got the state to “tweak” its law so that he is allowed to have his basset hound in his barber shop. I know what you’re thinking: Who cares? But just take some time to let it sink in and then ask yourself the next logical question: Where’s it going to stop? First dogs, then cats, then murderers. We need to draw the line, people!

You Leave Him Alone

It turns out we aren’t the only ones who have ever laughed at Sam Fulwood. That’s right, the Scene actually has a section of their website called Fulwood Watch, and the tag-line is “we read America’s worst columnist so you don’t have to.” I know we don’t have to, but we sure do love to. In this installment the Scene takes some cracks at his latest article, how interesting. They sure do make us look lazy by having a picture of Sam on their column.

Free Times Gets Something Right!

I know we all bicker and fight, but we can all usually agree on one thing: Good Charlotte Sucks. Am I right? I’m right. Anyways, even the Free Times seems to be on the bandwagon for this one. While we usually don’t link to reviews, I think we all owe it to ourselves to read one more reason why Good Charlotte should not exist.

Strickland Too Busy Tailgating to Celebrate Inaugration

Ted Strickland was sworn in as governor just after midnight in an ultra clandestine ceremony. It was real cloak and dagger style shit, people, but don’t even think about celebrating the new boss man’s official entrance onto the scene. See, Teddy doesn’t want to detract from the Ohio State game, which he will be watching tonight, so his fiesta and subsequent ball will be rocked next Monday. Talk about classy.

Speaking of Tailgating…

The Plain Dealer reports on the Ohio residents that made the trip to Arizona minus tickets. They deliver this gem, ”It’s not a done deal that I’m gettin’ in. If not, I’ll be partying like a rock star outside,” a quote that reminds you that the fine art of binge drinking is still alive. And, for those of us who couldn’t escape the Rust Belt and its wonderful deliverance of hail for the sunny climate of Arizona, The PD drops a short list of places to watch the game in the area.

This Has Nothing to do With Football, I Swear

A Stubenville teen is suing a former junior high teacher for taping his mouth shut and his hands to his head. Oh, and just in case you thought this couldn’t get any better, the student was in the special education program. This has “teacher of the year” written all over it.

Deadly, Deadly Cell Phones

The Plain Dealer gets all uppity about the fact that Ohio has yet to pass any legislature banning cell phone use while driving. They go the typical route on this using “facts” and “statistics,” like that kind of “objective,” “scientific” bullshit every got “us” anywhere. Take a read, although I feel like this debate can be broken down into one simple phrase when it comes to cell phones and driving, don’t be a prick. If you remember that I think we will all be a lot better off.

Do Courts Add Extra Punishment For Being Stupid?

A mother and teenage son stole a boa from a pet store in Cleveland Heights and then returned the following day to ask for info on how to care for a boa. Read that first sentence again and just let it sink in. Now that you are done mumbling (or shouting, depending on if you are an angry person), “what the fuck” or some sort of other variation such as, “are you fucking kidding me,” allow me to get all editorial on you. Ahem… here we go…

In a situation, such as the one that transpired at said pet store, we must speculate about the psychological strains responsible for such hasty and obtuse acts. Once these factors have been pondered and perhaps even discussed in a trenchant manner with another person, I believe one shall come to same conclusion that I already have. A conclusion that can be summed up easily by my stating, what the fuck? Are you fucking kidding me! Yeah, now it’s time to do my stolen boa excitement dance, and then have a beer, cause it is Friday.

Sam Fulwood Can Laugh Cause He is Getting Paid to Write Poorly

Sammy’s first column for the new year is a real doozey. Not only has he continued his trend of poor, humorless writing, but this time he has decided to use other people’s jokes to take up half his space. The funny thing is that some of the responses Sam received to his “how many Clevelanders does it take to screw in a light bulb” query are funnier than anything he has ever had published. The Plain Dealer should take this into consideration.

BREAKING: Scene’s Blog Still Exists, Still Sucks

That’s right the cleverly titled “C-Notes” is still cranking out clever, well not really, bullshit in a blog style that makes MyFriendCleveland look Pulitzer worthy. And in case you suspect us of just being jealous dicks, let me give you a taste of the sweet stuff packed in C-Notes today. Dude talks about an eighth grade teacher who is also a booking agent and quips, “In nearly two years, Adams’ client list has grown to boast such local notables as Adrenaline, Phestur, and Living in Chaos.” Who, what, and who? Those are the type of band names that secretly pack a two-word review inside of them. And for those not in the know, those words are “rock” and “suck.” Cheers, our little fellow Cleveland bloggers.

Pretty Sure You Can Take a More Extreme “Trip” Without Even Leaving the House

Oh, Plain Dealer, exaggeration will get you nowhere. How dare you refer to a three-dude brah fest heading from Cleveland to Arizona for the Ohio State game as the ultimate road trip. Ten hours in one day ain’t shit, and if you mention the “check engine light” one more time I might vomit. Good thing the “newspaper” is offering plenty of “news.”

Local Vampire Leaves Hot Topic Long Enough To Make Marilyn Manson Props

Man, there are a plethora of good jokes waiting to be unleashed on this beauty of an article, so thankfully I got a few out of the way in the title. If nothing else just take a look at this article’s photographs and try and tell me that my title is inappropriate. Anyway, let’s get just a bit factual here. Eric Freeman is a Cleveland Satanist and artist who goes by Dark Lord 10,000,000 (I totally found his myspace page for you, this shit is next level in its sheer amount of humor) and The Free Times have used his story as a way to refresh us all on our satanic history. I might have seen this guy at a goth club in Lakewood, but don’t you dare ask me what I was doing there.

Nothing Weird in Cleveland

Everyone has seen weird news updates, so why did The Free Times think it was a good idea to start their own and include no reports that have anything to do with Cleveland. Space fillers aren’t hard to recognize, guys.

Let’s Do This People!!!

Now that we have hit the OHHHH SEVEN and Armageddon (spell check (that’s right, it’s a new year) insists this is capitalized, but that just makes me think of the shitty movie) has still not come, we need to step this shit up. Yes, we are all a little more plump and have a few more drunken stories to add to our archives thanks to the holiday season, but let’s shake those cobwebs and fatty thighs and get down to business! That’s right, MyFriendCleveland is feeling damn good about the future, and here is where we make ridiculous claims about new shit to come, so get ready!

Who’s Still Hungry for More Year End Lists?

On today’s menu we’ve got some bloated, flavorless, and sure to be unfulfilling rabble from The Plain Dealer and also some self-promoting, pretentious, all spice, no filler music crit from a staffer over at Punknews.org. Enjoy!

New Year So Slow, Plain Dealer Publishes Unsolved Mysteries Transcripts

So, yeah, there is NOTHING going on in Cleveland. That means we get to hear about a UFO sighting at O’Hare airport. Get to it, conspiracy theorists! The men in black obviously already got to the dudes in the tower although none of them will claim to have seen Will Smith or Tommy Lee Jones either. Damn, those guys are good.

Wait, Who Am I Looking Out For?

The Free Times dropped their 10 bands to look out for in 2007, and guess what? Only one of our message board affiliated acts made the list. Congrats Plasma for Guns. There is some other cool shit too, like Bears, but here is what I am seriously upset about. Lick the Blade doesn’t have any press photos taken after 1986. You, guys are on a top ten list! Treat yourselves! Oh, I know you all missed the sarcasm.