MyFriendCleveland

Get Your Vote On

Sorry if today’s header was “soooo last year,” but we spent a lot of time these past few weeks linking articles and forcing jokes about issues and candidates, so now it’s your turn to do something. Vote. Yeah, it’s pretty easy. Here is The Plain Dealer’s quick update on the voting situation in Cleveland.

Look Who’s Blogging…

Oh, shit!! This is like the Holy Grail of internet laughs. Just when the name Carl Monday was finally drifting from your conscious into your sub-conscious and you thought it was safe to masturbate in the library again, everyone’s favorite second-rate Cleveland celeb is back and begging for assholes like us to unleash a sarcastic tirade on his mustached ass. So without further ado, here we go…

Little ol’ Carl’s got himself a blog and he’s not afraid to use it! But, here is the thing about it; this shit seriously brings into question how this guy ever became a journalist. This page is so full of typos (“an Ashland man drives 60 miles to take car of a ticket in person”), spelling mistakes (attemps), and sentence fragments (“A great example of how a local television station can reach out to the community.”) that an editor would run out of red ink just trying to fix it up. Still, this is a rare gem, a diamond in the rough, and a reliable source for laughs. Do yourself a favor and read his take on the Daily Show piece about him. It’s right here! Do it! Now!

Maybe We Should Build a Fence

A new documentary, “2000 Miles North,” looks into Guatemalan immigrants in central Ohio. In typical Plain Dealer fashion, however, we are told the film is playing at the Ohio Independent Film Festival, but not when or where said festival is located. Kudos on answering the 5 Ws and H guys. Looks like I had to do a little extra work. Here’s the info.

Hold up, I just need to sneak this other blunder in here too. The Plain Dealer hosted a contest for artists to draw on coloring book style pics of Strickland, Blackwell, DeWine, and Brown. In the resulting news piece they talk about different entries and then state, “here are the winners.” Too bad there is nothing below that. I guess it is too difficult to put pictures on the internet.

Moving From the Big Screen to “The Big Screen”

Clevelander Nicole Cuglewski, who works at the Q interviewing fans and running games on the jumbotron, will be on Deal or No Deal tonight. The Plain Dealer makes it pretty clear she isn’t walking away with a cool mill, and that selecting of contestants isn’t exactly a fair deal. Cuglewski, a former Miss Brook Park and Miss Cuyahoga County, waited in line for the casting call, but left before her turn to audition, so producers from the show sought her out at the Q the next day. Pretty lady who can talk well on screen or fat hillbilly?

One Second I Was Minding My Own Business, The Next Second A Cop Shoots Me

I don’t know how many times I’ve heard that now! In a Plain Dealer BREAKING report, a Garfield Heights cop accidentally shot a 65-year-old “friend from church” while visiting him. If this doesn’t scream of “act of God” I don’t know what does.

Early Scanning Allowed

A judge ruled that absentee ballots could be scanned today so election results can be determined by the end of election day. This morning folks were granted the opportunity to begin passing votes through computers, but they will not actually be counted until 7:31 PM on Tuesday. Some people like Republican board member Alex Arshinkoff weren’t too pleased with the decision saying, “It’s a heck of a thing to be counting ballots before Election Day,” then, as is the current trend of making Republicans look like fools, Democratic board member Wayne Jones responded with, “It would be a heck of a thing to be counting ballots three days after Election Day.” Burn!!!!!! Get the juicy details.

Who Approves This Stuff?

Ugh, seriously, just plain ugh. The Plain Dealer has gone from laughable to absolute waste of time. In an article based off of recent Miller Lite commercials (I shit you not) Plain Dealer staffers produce a list of man rules. The pathetic set of laws read like novelty t-shirt slogans that were just a bit too long to work. In other words, they suck. I am not even going to re-print any of them here, instead treat yourself to a headache as you read the list and try to figure out why a frat guy is editing Cleveland’s top newspaper. Oh, and one last thing, Miller Lite? Any guy who drinks that yellow water should have no say on anything “macho” or “manly.” It says “Lite” right there on the bottle, Powder Puff, go get yourself something with a little bite.

Your Last Taste of Politics for the Week

Today a judge will decide whether absentee ballots can be counted in advance so election results can be determined by the end of election day. What the court should be most afraid of is the fact that some vote counters are not mentally sound. One guy had this to say, “We don’t like these type of last-minute court decisions. It upsets the apple cart.”

I’m not really sure what an apple cart is doing in there in the first place, but if upsetting it is that big of an issue, maybe you should just get rid of it and get back to work. Don’t you dare call me stupid, that was sarcasm. Voting, voting, voting.

What’s That? A New Perspective?

Yes sir, and no drugs needed to obtain it. Seems The Scene, whose wonderful election coverage boils down to a comic, have decided to go another route with the political brouhaha we are currently being subjected to. They’ve pushed Sherrod Brown aside in order to focus on his wife, Plain Dealer columnist Connie Schultz (funny we couldn’t find her column). Go ahead, read a little, it won’t hurt you.

TONIGHT!!!!!

If our frequent reminders and stellar line up are not enough to draw you to tonight’s show at The Trinity Lutheran Church in Lakewood (that’s 16400 Detroit, kiddies) than you are an ass. It’s that simple. What are you going to do tonight, hang out with the Cavs cheerleaders and drink Miller Lite? Don’t kid yourself, you don’t even know half of the man laws.

Fugitive Goes Hipster to Hide Identity

So what do you do if you are a Solon resident wanted on federal weapons charges? How about hightail it to Mexico and grow yourself one mean stache. What do you not do? Keep your Ohio license plate. Nice try though, fella.

Still Can’t Get Enough Politics?

Well then we’ve got a debate for you. Steven LaTourette and Lewis R. Katz will be going at it at the City Club today. You can even watch that shit live on the INTERNET. Information super highway indeed! It starts at 12:30 and I can’t think of a better way to spend your lunch hour, unless of course you have a six-pack. Here’s the story, and here’s the page where you can watch the debate.

Cleveland: Always Aiming To Piss Off Feds

The Downtown Inner Belt isn’t meeting safety standards, which leaves a two options. One would be to eliminate some midtown exits, like Carnegie and Prospect, while the other would be to lower the speed limit to 40 mph and install signals on entrance ramps. The problem with the first is that it could hurt businesses located at those exits, the problem with the second is that local radio stations would have to stop playing “Can’t Drive 55,” because it would cause mass speeding problems. Don’t worry too much; they’ve got profesors working on this.

Pervs Find Way to Videotape Legally

I hope that lured you in. The real story here is that videothevote.org, a website started by film maker Ian Inaba who made a documentary about the disenfranchisement of black voters in Florida in 2000 and in Ohio in 2004, will have about 50 Ohio residents filming different polling locations and then reporting back to the website to show everyone else the problems. These should include long lines, unopened stations, an affluence of camel toe, and sausage parties. These are the things we care about.

The Plain Dealer Plays Catch Up Yet Again

We’re pretty sure The Plain Dealer didn’t even know what hip-hop was until ’96 or so, and now they’ve caught up to the grind. This includes a detailed (I am not kidding) description of the dance, which the author of the article also refers to as freaking (I really, really wish I was kidding). I’ve already said too much. Just read it.

Just A Little More Politics

Check out the Scene’s take on the election, sure it is a little less harsh on the eyes, but the jokes sound like they were written by a high school student whose only knowledge of politics comes from his parents’ dinner conversations. And honsetly, what does it say for your publication if your election coverage is in comic format?

Today’s WTF?

Bernie Kosar is pulling a stint on America’s Most Wanted. Get it all.

New Movie!

That’s right, Andy has dipped into the archives yet again to bring us another cinematic gem, or at least a quick laugh. Check it out here.

Walmart Exposed!

Walmart is a wholesome place, based on family values and justice for all, but every once in a while someone has to try and ruin it. Child labor? Bullshit! Ruining local business? Come on! And now there is a man that has exposed himself in front of two children while they were in Walmart. What is the world coming to when Walmart is no longer a bastion of morality?

Dang Computers Do Everything These Days

Did you know Ohio has problems when it comes to voting? It’s true, I swear! There have already been issues with absentee ballots, but this time around the elections board is hoping to actually have all polling locations open on time, instead of 6 hours late. To accomplish this massively difficult feat they are using a computer system that will take calls from different workers stating whether or not polls have been opened. Why do we seem to make the simple things so damn hard?

Free Times Election Breakdown

Okay, so there is nothing relatively new here, but the fact that they used a busty woman in a bra as an accompanying photo was just too good to pass up. Either The Free Times is now making a constant joke of themselves (after sexist accusations spurned by cleavage in the past) by using women’s photos in articles when they are completely unrelated, or they are just that stupid. Plus, The Free Times keep up their timely nature by now discussing Issues 4 and 5. I guess I shouldn’t be so hard on them, this is their election special and they probably have been storing bullshit for it for a while now. If you check either of the above articles out you will find links at their bottoms for more election time goodies. Get informed, slobs.

FRIDAY FRIDAY FRIDAY

That was said in one of those used car radio ad voices. Anyway, come on out to the show at Trinity Lutheran Church at 16400 Detroit Ave. in Lakewood. Latterman, four dirty dudes whose penchant for fierce and poppy punk rock nearly demands you shout along, will be headlining. They guys scored a 5 out of 5 in Alt Press and a 9 out of 10 on Punknews.org. This is realllllll good shit. Also playing are Delay, who bring the early 90s Lookout! Records sound of bands like Green Day, Mr. T Experience, and The Queers, and Vietnam Werewolf. All I will say about VWW is that two of them are in this video flyer and if you don’t think those dudes know how to party than you are sadly mistaken, ass clown.