MyFriendCleveland Get used to it

It Takes a Man from Cleveland to Fight for Sex Offenders

Defense lawyer Ian Friedman has been fighting for sex offenders to get a fair trial, something he has obviously been taking a lot of shit for. He even graced the screen on right-wing shouting shows like the O’Reilly Factor to state his cause. Seems Friendman is a little bothered by new legislature that was created by, get this, John Walsh (America’s Most Wanted), President Bush, and Congressman Mark Foley. It don’t get much better than that. See Friedman’s qualms.

Getting Rid of Mom and Pop

“For years, the city’s sole approach to retail development has been large-scale projects and strip malls, with seemingly little interest in developing citywide policies that would save neighborhood retail districts.”

Wal-Mart anyone? Yeah, looks like that joke about Cleveland being a few years behind might be true yet again.

“Cleveland’s leaders seem to flop around ideas that were in vogue a decade ago, like a new convention center or casinos.”

When asked for comment the city merely answered, “Why’s everybody always picking on me?” Read it.

Tree Huggers Rejoice!

The Ohio EPA has just dished out a load of dough to locations in the Cleveland area. Get ready to learn about watersheds people cause thousands of dollars are ready and waiting to teach you. Why is the news so slow? Has the nice weather enticed journalists away from their jobs? I’m writing about money going to enviromental groups for completely uninteresting things. Here’s hoping tomorrow is more interesting.

Posted under Hometown

Good Music From Cleveland… Surely You Jest

The unrelenting staff over at Pitchfork have reviewed a track off of Blake Miller’s album. For all of you not in the know, Blake’s album came out on Exit Stencil Recordings, a record label based out of Cleveland’s newest DIY space Parish Hall. There are two things pleasantly surprising: A) it’s not a crust band, B) Pitchfork gave it a 4 out of 5. Check the review, check the record, check the hall. It’s all good news.

King James and His Crown

Sure this isn’t really news, but the Plain Dealer has an article about how Lebron James would REFUSE to play for a team if he weren’t allowed to wear a headband. Are you serious about this? James actually says “I wouldn’t know what to do if I wasn’t [sic] wearing a headband.” I got an idea, how about get paid millions of dollars to play basketball! But then again, I get mad if people tell me I can’t wear pants.

Cleveland Wants To Be Home of the 2011 Olympics!!!

I’m sorry, I should have said Special Olympics. Good for them, only problem is that this is another attempt to bring in industry and get companies to “recognize Cleveland.” Let’s be honest, that’s not going to happen. Anyways, I hope Muhammad Ali shows up.

Posted under Hometown

Pet People Are Weird

Trust Fund Baby has a whole new slant now that Columbus passed a law allowing people to set up trust funds for their pets. I don’t even have health insurance but some cat is going to be set for life when his owner goes out like a chump. Something just isn’t right about this.

Big Bucks and Bad Names

Two teenage DJs are taking the teen party, school dance, and wedding scene by storm! By charging less, but still putting on a show ($6000 worth of equipment, we are talking enough lights and fog for a Prince video) the teens have made mad money. Now, if only they could work on their names. Beat Master Phil and DJ Smiley combine to make DJ Mania!!!!! I think I just gagged. The only teen I ever knew nicknamed Beat Master got caught jackin’ it in the school bathroom at lunch time. Rock on, brahs.

Being Homeless: Cleveland’s Newest Crime

While Dave Evans may be the only person actually pulling knives on homeless people, it turns out that more people are upset with “aggressive panhandlers.” The law enforcement in Cleveland is giving the down-on-their-luck another kick in the pants by fining and even arresting panhandlers who “get all up in my grill.” Many of these panhandlers, apparantly, aren’t even homeless. And somehow, someone is claiming this violates free speech.

The Christmas Story House Is Open for Business

We’ve all heard about how the house from Christmas story, located in Tremont, was renovating to look like it did in the movie. Well the project is done and you can now go visit the house…. for $5. It’s really great, because now more white people can talk about how hip they are because they’ve been to Tremont, and old dudes can say things like “I lived this movie as a kid.” Really? That’s weird. Most classic movies that stick around for 23 years don’t really hit home with the general public. They are abstract and hard to relate to. Your childhood was typical, dude.

Posted under Hometown

The Office Party Just Got Nuts

This year 86% of office parties will offer alcohol, up from 75% the year before. Either a lot of people are developing drinking problems, or a lot of people like to laugh at awkward dancing and even more awkward flirting. We here at MyFriendCleveland, where alcohol is required for any office related function, would like to say we support corporate America and its bold choice. Who’s thirsty?

What a Wank Fest

Guns N’ Roses (AKA Axl and hired friends) played the Q on Friday night and lucky for us someone from The Plain Dealer was in attendance and ready to give a boring account. When done reading this what you really need to ask yourself is what is worse; that people will still go to see this band, or that the bassist from The Replacements is playing with them?

Casey Coleman

Cleveland sports broadcaster Casey Coleman has passed away. In his time dude conducted a lot of big interviews and scored some big awards. Let The Plain Dealer fill you in.

Posted under Hometown

What Would You Use Counterfeit Money On? Chocolate Milk and Funnel Cake?

Two computer-savvy teens from Middleburg Heights were printing $20 bills on a PC for months. The crime was going smoothly because they were only making small purchases to obtain cash in change, it wasn’t until some other kids - among them Suzie Tattletale - found out about the scam and ran to mommy, that things fell apart. And what does the Cleveland secret service have to say about this? “Kids are more technologically advanced than adults… They’re growing up with the computer.” Eat that engineers, chemists, calculus majors, and rocket scientists! Kids are more advanced because they have been raised by the computer. No, not that one! The computer, the one and only! With this goon in charge no wonder why the president doesn’t come to Cleveland more often. Dolla, dolla bills y’all.

Here’s Some Firsts

The Free Times quote Yeats in an article about an art exhibition at Parish Hall! Mind blowing, I know, but maybe instead of mocking we should all just appreciate this step in the decidedly right direction. Get the scoop on John Haughwout’s show and read a very informed art critic get his… well, critic on. Linky link.

Meet Plain Dealer’s Fashion Freak

One Plain Dealer fashionista details another in this article with some sort of strange appeal. Maybe it is just the fact that this quote mirrors my own life in more ways than I would like to admit, “My sisters sewed like crazy, and I always watched them,” Rankin said. “Finally, I stole some fabric from one, and made myself some hot pants.” Can you really be angry about stealing when it leads to more hot pants in the world?

Gift Guide Overload Time

Yes, it is the time of year when magazines, websites, and weekly papers begin publishing their holiday gift guides so we figured we’d give you a heads up with one from our very own Free Times. It is a pretty interesting list with some prime choices (Christmas Ale anyone?) but then there are the made up items, which just means bad photoshop jobs and worse jokes. But hey, we’ve all come to expect that right? Humbug.

Closing Remarks

Speaking of holidays… Turkey Day is tomorrow and we here at MyFriendCleveland will be indulging ourselves, which means that you will get no update. You probably won’t get one on Friday either, cause we are gluttonous insatiable beasts. So until then I would suggest getting your news somewhere else, but that is just mean, so maybe instead just drink a few beers and make up stories in your head, I’m pretty sure that is how most Cleveland journalists do it anyway.

Posted under Hometown

What are You in for? Coins, Baby, Coins

“He teed off with the governor, dined on gourmet meals and wore tailored suits. Today, Tom Noe passes the day with predators, eats processed meatloaf patties and wears a prison jumpsuit.”

Looks like The Plain Dealer now has the staff of America’s Most Wanted writing for them. Tom Noe, a coin dealer who used government funds on himself instead of buying coins and then borrowed coins he had claimed to have purchased to show officials, has been sentenced to 18 years in the can. Oh, in case anyone was thinking about kicking the Republicans while they were down, The Plain Dealer also took care of that. “The coin dealer, 52, formerly of Maumee, raised hundreds of thousands of dollars for local, state and congressional GOP candidates over the years. His close relationship to Gov. Bob Taft led to Taft’s conviction on misdemeanor ethics violations for failing to report that Noe paid for his golf games.” We better start investigating those stamp collecting bastards.

More Democrats Damn It!

A Cleveland lawyer is going to trial for contempt after he sent out 88 emails telling election boards to review info with their lawyers in regards to provisional ballots. Dude is hoping to change the results of two congressional contests where Democrats currently trail. I get spam every day and no one does shit, this guy sends out a message about something he is seriously concerned about and he goes to court. Politics, man, politics.

The New “Transport Tube”

If our government is gifted in anything it is creating less-offensive synonyms. This year the USDA changed the term “hunger” to “very low food security.” Obviously not their best work, this shit sounds like something in the refrigerator is going to attack, or super markets are going to start using a terror alert color coded system for fruit. Still, there are the more serious issues this new wording creates, which hey, we don’t have time to tackle here so read Tom Feran’s take on it.

Posted under Hometown

Free Food!

I remember fondly how those words always drew me to events in college, and now they are drawing people to jobs. The Plain Dealer searches out companies in the Cleveland area that let employees enjoy their products free of charge. There is ice cream, pastries, and chocolate to be had, but Malone Advertising in Akron make take the cake (sometimes I am such a nerd) with their free beer after 5 policy. How many employees do you think tried the, “Oh! I thought you meant after 5 AM,” excuse. You know you would.

Getting All Big Brother On Email

More businesses are monitoring employee email and cracking down on “inappropriate” use. MyFriendCleveland recently busted me for chain emails that claimed “you will die form gangrene if you do not send these puppy pics to at least 10 people.” I don’t see what is inappropriate about this, I never got gangrene.

McIntyre Drops Another Bomb

So we’ve thoroughly bashed McIntyre’s photo already, but what I like to do now is look at his face and imagine his voice reading the column aloud. I don’t know about you, but I’m hearing a high-pitched, slightly too-fast voice with just a hint of a lisp and some goofy chuckles throw in mid sentence. But hey, you figure it out for yourself while reading about a woman who found Jesus’ image in her tied dyed jeans and some other insignificant crap.

Posted under Hometown

Levert Info

So we haven’t mentioned the death of R&B singer Gerald Levert once yet, probably because sarcasm doesn’t go very well with the loss of a life. To make up for our lack of coverage we’ve got this article about the private services held for him yesterday (Bobby Brown was in attendance, so you can make your own jokes about that) and this article with info on today’s memorial which all of you R&B fans (a demographic we have surely ignored for much too long now) can attend. Our condolences.

You Are Sooo Busted

A ways back we talked about some redneck teens in Kenton who set up a deer decoy on the road and seriously injured two people. Sentencing was postponed until after two of the teens had finished football season (what is this Texas?) but the first three were given 60 days in juve. A 4th teen, who helped to steal the deer and construct a platform for it was hoping to get off easier cause he got sick and left before placing the deer on the road, but looks like the judge wasn’t feeling it. The book has officially been thrown.

Trying to Jock Columbus

With the Ohio State-Michigan game tomorrow The Free Times seem like they are looking for any way to birth an article. The result is one that claims that Cleveland has more riding on this game than ever before. There are more players from Cleveland, a coach from Cleveland, and the fact that Cleveland may be as big of a football town as Columbus. I guess The Free Times forgot about that time Cleveland got rid of their own football team. Hey, someone had to say it.

Posted under Hometown

Mo Patents, Mo Money

Ohio’s economic woes can now be linked to something new; number of patents. Research has found that the states that produce the most patents also have the highest income. Ohio’s patents numbers have risen A LOT in the past decade or so, but still do not match stats from the 1930s. So what are all the new patents for? Flying cars? Robots? Teleporting?

“Industrial innovation is one of our strongest advantages.”

Oh, get back to me when you guys invent something cool. Thanks.

Separatist Prisoner Art in Cleveland

Separatists you say!? I thought that shit went out with the Civil War or at least Texas, but it seems everyone forgets about good old Puerto Rico, where the two convicted artists are from.

“the traveling exhibition is not without controversy. While many view Torres and Rivera as freedom fighters, others have labeled them as terrorists and members of Armed Forces for National Liberation (FALN).”

Here we go with the terrorist stuff again… Get the info about the exhibition here.

Can Someone Please Let People From Scene See Some Type of News Every Now and Then

Let’s start with this title, “Meet Lady Sovereign.” Are you serious? This girl has been getting bounced around on blogs for a over a year now, Pitchfork has had a perpetual hard on for her, and there is this little program called TRL on this little station called MTV where her video was number fucking one people! This seriously hurts my head, but let’s move on.

Wow, guys, wait to stay on top of the game, giving people in Cleveland a story on something they don’t know anything about at all. Article number 2, “Raising Joshua.” Here we get an article on raising on a child with autism, a noble enough effort, but did the people at Scene not notice “Saving Cyrus,” the Free Times cover story from LAST WEEK about treating a boy with autism!!!! Like I said before, wow.

At Least We Have Free Times

Yeah, these guys always dish out the good journalism, the real hardy, interesting, need to know kind of shit. Like Black Diamond, the black Neil Diamond impersonator who plays a Kent State bar. With weeklies like this it is no wonder we can’t invent flying cars.

Posted under Hometown

Hey Kids, Want to Know How the Government Works?

It’s easy, one party proposes something, and the other one tries to shoot it down. Or, as is the case with the current rules for high school graduation debate in Ohio, shoot it down until the guy from your party takes over.

“Democrats called the timing a goodbye gift for Taft.”

I’m glad to see we have such adults working for us. When does the nap time bill get passed?

The Return of Woody Hayes

Roger Thomas has been impersonating the late Buckeyes coach for a while now - well except for the part that involves blow-ups and punching college students. Oh, and vegans prepare to get excited, dude is a soybean broker! The Plain Dealer has the scoop, it’s just a shame that they mention the guy got national TV exposure in September and it took them until now to talk to him. Par for the course, eh guys?

Catholic Anarchists? Oh, Hell Yes

Ever thought about the fact the JC was a pretty radical dude? I mean he was a homeless guy followed by a band of homeless guys that talked shit on authority, and there is no way he would ever get in places with a “no shirt, no shoes” policy. Well, The Free Times has got the score on The Catholic Worker movement in Cleveland, a branch of Catholicism that regards resistance as one of their major objectives. “They would have no formal leaders, and no official connection to the institutional Catholic church; just a network of decentralized communities, people giving away food and shelter, living in voluntary poverty on farms and in houses across the country, each of them bucking the oppression of corporations and government as they saw fit.” Shit’s about to get all kinds of radical.

Posted under Hometown

Minimum Wage is Quite the Tricky Bastard

The recent elections yielded an increase to minimum wage, something a lot of small businesses can’t afford. So looks like the man’s efforts to help Blue Collar Billy actually might get him fired. Was that crass? Childish? Or, even worse, too similar to the writing style of Plain Dealer columnists? Scary thought. I’m going to stop now before I load anymore cheese onto this post. Here’s the thing worth reading.

We Are All Witnesses. Creepy, Creepy Witnesses

You know that guy who the Cavs drafted a couple years ago who is supposed to be, like, the best basketball player to ever walk the earth? You heard of him? LeBaron? Well, if you aren’t satisfied with only seeing him a few times a week sweating it up on the court, he also has his own weird site. I don’t know why I think this is so weird, but something about this page scares me.

You Can’t Say “Bomb” In an Airport

If you were making any Continental flights this morning, you may have been held up by the fact that security thought they found a bomb in someone’s bags. Turns out it was just some electronics. Probably a gameboy advance sp or something lame. Anyways, what is really suprising is that people just stood around waiting. If I were in line at the airport, and security said “there may be a bomb in this,” I’d say, “See you later, I’ll fly out tomorrow.”

Speaking of Creeps

The Plain Dealer really has an eye for detail. In an article where they talk about a 26 year old man luring 16 year old girls to Florida and then forcing them to become prosititutes, it is in the third paragraph that we learn the guy is a (and I quote) “flamboyant ‘pimp’” who wears a “gold ‘grill.’” Who cares about his “grill”? The dude’s a serious scumbag. This is going to give “customized gold ‘grills’” a bad name. I’m just proud of them for not making a Disney World joke.

Posted under Hometown

Smokers Cannot Catch a Break

The elections provided a one, two punch to the gut of smokers in Cleveland, banning smoking in public places and adding a new tax. Well now comes word that people who try to buy cigarettes online will still be taxed. The Ohio Department of Taxation is being provided with names, addresses, and order information by five major online cig sellers. And, as if that big brother shit wasn’t enough, it has also been illegal to buy cigarettes online in Ohio since 2005, meaning you can get slapped with a $1,000 fine by doing so. What has the Marlboro man ever done to you?

Paying to be a Door Mat

Ok, so maybe that is a little misleading, but Westlake is the only place in Northeast Ohio to offer Ashiatsu Oriental Bar therapy. In other words a person lies on a table while the therapist holds onto bars attached to the ceiling and walks barefoot on the person’s back. Shit don’t come cheap either, one hour costs $95. There are so many bad puns that could be used here, but The Plain Dealer already took care of most of them.

Aw, Look, the Little Guy Might Spark Some Controversy!

Michael McIntyre, everyone’s favorite weasel faced Plain Dealer columnist (honestly this guy’s pic still creeps me out with every view. look at that smile. I mean picture this, you came home from work one day and find a person eating your pet rabbit, and then he looks at up at you and smiles, yeah that what is this smile looks like. damn, this a long aside) quotes Dennis Kucinich as saying, “I don’t know how to act in the majority,” said the onetime fringe candidate for president. “I’m going to become a Republican.” What McIntyre fails to do is tell whether or not Kucinich made the comment jokingly, meaning that somebody is going to jump all over him for this. Come on Mikey, it’s time to grow up and be a real reporter.

Posted under Hometown

The Boys Are Back in Town

So yeah, you all know by now about the return of the Dems to power in congress, and the big Dem wins in Ohio, but this shit is a little more significant than you may think. The last time Dems had this much power in Ohio The Toadies were still relevant, you were probably wearing oversized clothing, and you know you were watching way too much Full House and Saved by the Bell (some of you still are). Here we go with the political stuff again.

Wait, How Much?

Three dudes went to an Indians game back in 2002, one of the three set off an explosive that burned some people and sent off gnarly (yes, I said gnarly) shock waves. All three were arrested (only one was ever charged) but the two who had nothing to do with the explosion sued. They were each awarded $1 million, to which one of them stated, “The money wasn’t important. As long as the verdict came back that we were innocent bystanders, I would have been happy with whatever the amount of damages were.” Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. It had to be said. Get one of your friends to do something stupid, then you can get a new house and take a few years off from work.

Plain Dealer: Now Run by 8-Year-Old

We just had an election, Veterans Day events are going on, people are dying, and The Plain Dealer’s top story is that the Cleveland Zoo’s admission price went up by $1. Why does this even matter? The zoo still doesn’t even charge to park. Is $1 really going to put you in debt? Tommy is totally going to have to smash the piggy bank now.

Posted under Hometown

The Art of Reiteration

It’s a good thing we have Sam Fulwood. In a strikingly informative column today Sam blows minds with two pieces of information. First, he spends half the column letting us know who won in Tuesday’s election. Holy shit! Strickland beat Blackwell!!! Second, he explains how the US has a two party system of government and that power changes hands often. That second one may be hard to except people, but there will be more elections, and there will be both Democrats and Republicans holding office. Your always so insightful, Sammy.

How Old Are You?

Feeling crappy about dropping that exercise routine? Feeling guilty about that Taco Bell you ate yesterday? Well, prepare to feel worse. Scene looks into Dr. Michael Roizen, the Cleveland doc who has made a number of appearances on Oprah for his RealAge test. Sure, the dude is trying to help people live more healthy lives, but some of this stuff just screams of bullshit. Get both sides! Get it here!

Train Ride to Heaven Cut Short by Talkative Angel

This might not exactly be in good taste, but this is too hard to pass up. An Akron man who lost the lower half of his body in an industrial accident back in 2005 is now talking about his near death experience. He was riding a train when an angel came and spoke to him. “I asked her if I could keep my legs and she was like ‘Well I talked to Him (God), and He said you can’t keep your legs but you’ll have something much better than that when you get back.’” I really hope he isn’t talking about phantom pains, but I also hope someone checks out this dude’s mental state. I’m probably getting on a train going the other way for this one.

Posted under Hometown

ELECTION BREAKDOWN

That’s right people, get set to drop some change and two-step to the breakdown. I would call it brutal, just to stay with the hardcore theme here, but honestly, it’s just The Plain Dealer. Here’s what we got on the menu…
Strickland, Brown, Ohio tips country again, and the new smoking band. If you want more, each of these articles has links at the bottom. And for those of you too lazy to read more, Issue 3, slot machines, is a no go, there were some problems with machines, and blah, blah, blah. Do some reading.

Sucks to be a Weekly

An election happened yesterday and your paper can’t say a damn thing about it cause your shit ain’t no 24 hour deal. So what do you have instead? The Free Times uses the 25th anniversary of The Cleveland Press’s closing to give a little refresher about the paper and explain why it is still relevant today. And at Scene, oh wait that’s right… Scene doesn’t update their website that quickly, so a new issue is out, but their URL is still rocking last week’s dirt. Maybe we can get a little effort next time guys, thanks.

Finally, Money Being Spent Wisely in Cleveland

This is probably the best use of $2 million any of us could have hoped for right now. It will help us all, benefit even the worst off, and be constantly visible. The bathrooms at the airport are getting renovated. Yep, looks like Cleveland is once again more concerned with how visitors see us rather than how the actual quality of life in the city is. But, don’t fret, if you need to go to the bathroom just hold it, get in your car, drive to the airport and bask in the glow of an expensive restroom.

Posted under Hometown