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The Plain Dealer: Now Publishing High School Essays

Ok, here is the assignment, write an essay about your favorite hobby and make sure to use plenty of descriptive language. If you need an example, here is one Jodie wrote.

The Plain Dealer: Now Reporting On Themselves

Either The Plain Dealer is attempting to get all meta-journalism on us, or they have no news to report, so instead they’ve opted to try and cover their own asses after upsetting readers with a change in format. Either way, we are treated to yet another award winning columnist photo. He kind of looks like that guy from Office Space with the Jump to Conclusions Mat.

Just When You Thought Wal-Mart Was An Ethical Company…

An ex-executive of Wal-Mart, and product of Cleveland’s very own St. Ed’s, will be charged for wire fraud and tax evasion. We can all learn something from this my friends, if you are a millionaire, just buy a pair of cowboy boots, don’t make an employee steal them for you.

Playas Beware

The Scene gives us a story about DontDateHimGirl.com a website where upset exes can dish dirt. So far 50 Cleveland men have been posted and I swear none of them work for MFC.

Posted under Hometown

Hot Cops Aren’t the Only Ones Who Take Their Clothes Off

A Sagamore Hills Officer’s pervy ways finally caught up with him when an anonymous source sent a disc full of his cybersleeze to his boss. And, as if this story wasn’t funny enough on its own, it may contain the best quotes I’ve seen all year. He’s a taste, “I’m blind in one eye,” Schweikert says. “It hurt my other eye,” or how about, “Nobody’s got enough balls to come up and say something to your face.” Believe me it gets better. I hope everyone caught the Arrested Development reference.

Move Over Bone Thugs

Cleveland hip-hop is about to get blazed! MTV employees recently discovered a 20-year-old music video for Cleveland white rapper Denny Blaze. Do I really even need to say anything else… Ok, ok, last thing, his alias is Average Homeboy. Now go get the rest of the laughs for yourself.

The Plain Dealer Only Now Mocks The Monday

People all over the country have been hating on Carl Monday for months and sadly it wasn’t until now that The Plain Dealer’s crack staff felt it was necessary to weigh in. It’s not even that funny.

Check It Out

We recently added two new record reviews for your music snob reading pleasure, as well as a fantastic little movie we dug out of the archives and resurrected.

Posted under Hometown

Since Matt hasn’t done his daily update yet because he’s SEVERELY hung over from last night’s Shakespeare show, I’m going to show everyone this pretty flyer for a show at the tower TONIGHT featuring some awesome bands. By the way, thanks to everyone who came out to the tower last night.

Posted under Hometown

Check this site out! It lists LOCAL gas prices, and you don’t have to log in to anything. Woooh!

There are a lot of shows going on tonight. Here’s a flyer for one drawn by our favorite J Gritty:

Go to this show and then race to the tower to catch THIS show!

WEDNESDAY AUGUST 9th, 9:30pm at the TOWER 2012:

SHAKESPEARE (they’re from the bronx but they re-lo-cated, MFC’s own!!!)

ITS A TRAP (discordant yet rhythmic noise punk)

CARPET OF SEXY (a two man whirling dervish of overstimulation)

Also, everyone needs to pick up tickets for the show at The Beachland for Saturday’s benefit show for Paul Jansen.

From his cousin’s site: “Tickets are $10.00 all proceeds go to my cousin paul. Paul is 27 years old and was in a bad car accident July 1st and has been in a coma since.”

Bands:

the it*men
vista cruisers
last august

Posted under Hometown

The Scene Talks Smack

The Akron Beacon Journal best watch out. The Scene is taking aim at your scandalous revelation that college students like beer and iPods! If they keep this MyFriendCleveland will have nothing to do.

Poor Use of Nepotism

If my uncle were mayor and all he could get me was a job at a public pool I’d be just a bit pissed. But apparently in Lyndhurst, that is enough to ruffle some feathers. Looks like other residents want their kids to have a shot at skimming bugs and wondering why there are warm patches of water in the shallow end.

Holy Consumerism Batman!

Rocky River is attempting to go trendy by expanding Beachcliff Market Square. The $25 million project will see the inclusion of hip national chains targeted at younger shoppers. Among them will be White House/Black Market, a store that, get this, sells only black and white clothing! And here I thought they were making a political statement.

Posted under Hometown

MONDAY AUGUST 7TH 2006 @ PATS IN THE FLATS

2233 W. 3rd Street Cleveland, OH 44113 corner of W. 3rd & Literary Road just outside of the Tremont area
(216) 621-8044
www.patsintheflats.com

9pm sharp / $6

OH, THE SIDES (straight outta Cleveland, new project featuring Nicholas Megalis) TENEBRE (from San Francisco; like Don Caballero, Slint, Rodan, and June Of ‘44) FREEDOM (members of Between The Devil & The Deep Blue Sea and The Battle Of Gettysburg)
THE BLUE BOOK PHONICS (from Lorain, in the vein of Pinback, Minus The Bear, & Jawbox) BLACK COBRA (from Los Angeles on At A Loss Recordings)

Posted under Hometown, What's Crappenin'?

Plain Dealer Reporter Now On Drugs

It must have been a bad trip though. The only thing the guy got out of it was making Dave Matthews’ set seem longer. Painful.

Do You Know Why I Pulled You Over?

A new study in Cleveland found that black drivers are more likely to be stopped for traffic violations and to have their cars searched by police. City officials and white dudes have been quick to state the studies are inconclusive and do not prove that racial profiling is occuring, while NAACP President George Forbes stated, “”What this study says is that if you are poor and black or Puerto Rican, you are going to get stopped.” Check out both sides here.

This Weekend: Compound Show!

Sat. August 5th @ the Compound (E. 63rd & St. Clair)

Noon to ?

Free Show / BBQ / BYOB

www.myspace.com/straightouttacompound

Here’s the tentative schedule:

Noon - Self Destruct Button
12:35 - Roue
1:10 - Leroys Frosted Rocks
1:45 - Rainy Day Saints
2:20 - Jerk
2:55 - This Moment In Black History
3:30 - Blazer
4:05 - State Of Ohio
4:40 - Sounder
5:15 - Argyle Denial
5:50 - Giant Eagle
6:25 - Muamin Collective
7:00 - Boatzz
7:35 - Short Rabbits
8:10 - Homo Stupids
8:45 - Coffinberry
9:20 - Tall Pines
9:55 - Plasma For Guns
10:30 - Six Parts Seven
11:05 - Friend

This is a gravel parking lot, so bring a chair or something other than your dirty blanket. Bring beer and food, your dog, kids, whatever.

This is a free event, but if you want to bring a couple bucks to throw in the pot, that’d be awesome.

Parking: You can park on either side of E. 63rd. It extends all the way to the railroad tracks. Please take care not to bother our neighbors anymore than we already are.

You can ride a bicycle, or take the RTA ..1 from Public Square (picks up on the NW quadrant) down St. Clair Ave. Exit at Norwood and continue East for one block. Follow the music.

From the West: Take 90 East to the E. 55th St. exit and turn right onto E. 55th. Take a left on St. Clair. Take a left on E. 63rd (there’s a Charter One Bank on the corner). The Compound lot will be on your left.

From the East: Take 90 West to the E. 55th St. exit and turn right onto E. 55th. Take a left on St. Clair. Take a left on E. 63rd (there’s a Charter One Bank on the corner). The Compound lot will be on your left.

If your coming from the South you can get to I-90 by going North on I-271, I-77, or I-71. I’m sure you can figure out the rest.

Posted under What's Crappenin'?

Now The Scene Writes Soap Operas

Why write about a murder as a murder when you can turn it into an overdramatic literary journalism piece about a sexy love triangle and desperate jealousy motivated actions? This should be a piece on Oprah.

Seriously, Who Thinks This Guy is Funny?

Plain Dealer Columnist Chuck Yarborough, and yes he does have a wonderful head shot also (sweet earring, brah!), brings up zany minor league baseball promotions without even mentioning Carl Moustache Monday Night! Just when you think the guy couldn’t do any worse he drops jokes so bad that he makes Weird Al look like a comic genius. But, alas, I digress.

Posted under Hometown

Everyone should know by now about the floods that hit Mentor. The Plain Dealer has a lot of pictures. Our caring president was in town today assessing the damages and gallavanting with the most famous Cleveland Browns player, Bernie Kosar (does Bernie even live in the area anymore?). I really thought this was a rumor, but I have photographic evidence lifted from the Plain Dealer.

As if the floods weren’t enough, Mentor is being bombarded by Geological Events. What is going on? These people can’t get any sort of breaks, and to top it all off, Mentor Headlands is CLOSED!
And finally, on an un-Mentor related note, kids finally have proof that religion is bad.

Posted under Hometown

Library Porn Users Beware

The House of Representatives recently passed a bill to restrict access to “social networking” sites, and while many people see the bill as a reaction to sexual predators using sites like Myspace, we here at MFC believe that it has to do with Carl Monday’s ace reporting. Pat yourself on the back chief, now people can’t use Amazon at the library.

20 Years of Keeping it Indie

The Cleveland Cinematheque is celebrating its 20th anniversary this Saturday with screenings of films including Michel Gondry’s “The Science of Sleep.” Let’s all get pretentious.

Can You Hear Me Now?

John Carroll’s radio station is about to boost its signal from 850 to 2,500 watts and will soon be able to broadcast in HD stereo. The changes will occur once the FCC and, their new partner in crime, Carl Monday approve.

Because we heard you can’t get enough about Batman:

Did you know that he’s a world-class skiier and Double-Black-Diamond enthusiast?

Posted under Hometown

Plain Dealer Humorous Photo Contest Continues

So yesterday I thought I was merely making a joke about Plain Dealer columnists being required to have a laugh inducing photo, then I discovered this and the fact that Pat’s significant other, Chris, works for The Plain Dealer.

Wait a Second…

I thought I had somehow tapped into the Scene’s archives when I found this article about Soul Asylum. Then I realized they were still a band and I am merely left wondering; laugh or cry?

The Cashing in of Western Civilization

The Germs are playing the Agora tonight. Too bad the singer is dead. What, too soon?

Posted under Hometown