MyFriendCleveland

Just Watch Some Law and Order and Say “Objection!” a Lot

A new law allows lawyers to charge a $25 fee for cases where they used to be free. I swear I didn’t mean to rhyme and I swear The Scene actually has something interesting to say.

Billy Blanks Isn’t the Only Weight Loss Game In Town

Try the Mary Kate (named after those two famous twins, I think they were on Family Matters) Challenge, an online game that rewards you for eating less and less. Anorexics, like a certain incoming Cleveland State freshman, are scoring high. Seriously, who would come up with this shit?

Websters Drops Some New Words

Get excited vocab nerds!!! What, am I the only one? Whatever jocks, go kick a ball or something. I’ll checking out the new Websters which has added a wealth of new words this year. Sadly, they still don’t have grundle.

Meet the Nerd Who Keeps Us Clean

Andrew Watterson is trying to make Cleveland eco-friendly, what the hell are you doing? But seriously, you guys are lazy and this guy isn’t, I think that’s the point of the article. Either that or the fact that this dude bought a boat with a loan his junior of college. Either way, you should read this and feel like you aren’t hot shit anymore.

Something is Wrong Here

It’s one year later and New Orleans is still trashed, yet Ohio can manage to drop rabies vaccines for raccoons from airplanes. We might be in need of a priorities checklist people.

Health Insurance is Overrated

I’ve been going without that shit for a good 8 months now. At least this article makes me feel like I am not alone. I love the mob mentality, did I ever mention that? Hey, if I want to ramble let me go for a bit, okay? I mean did you see how short that thing about raccoons was? And that could have seriously been funny. Now, back to the lecture at hand…
1.3 million more Americans are without health insurance this year, 100,000 of those in Ohio. Yeah, not cool.

Prison Snitches and The Con Code

Want to know how to make liquor from orange juice, bread, sugar, and an old sock? Or maybe you just want a glimpse inside prison life, voyeurs. Either way check this out.

Not Everyone is Down With Openness and Honesty

Councilwoman Nina Turner is taking over for forced to resign Joe Jones after charges of mail fraud and complaints of bribery. In typical fashion the people that Jones swindled money from are happy while others who received personal attention merely state, “People look at [members of council] to provide services for them.” I never knew that meant foot rubs and picking up prescriptions, but hey
 maybe that’s politics.

Idlewild Not Too Happy About Idlewild

Wait a second; Andre 3000 and Big Boi aren’t historically accurate? What is the world coming to!? Residents of Idlewild, Michigan are a bit perturbed by the fact that the film is not only set in Georgia, but turns a historically famous black resort that showcased acts like BB King into, “a shoot- ‘em-up, bang-bang minstrel show.” People are pissed.

University Circle Gets Wi-fi

A new wireless “cloud” is being installed over a small part of University Circle to provide free wireless internet access. The spot will soon be expanded to a 5-mile radius. You know what this means? Carl Monday will soon have an exclusive on people looking at porn in the park.

I Am So Sick Of Squishing My Bananas

The Plain Dealer gives the low down on three Cleveland area parents who turned their children’s misfortunes into profitable ideas. A little baby who can’t get along with the other kids and has to call mom everyday? Just draw pictures on her lunch bags until the other kids notice and soon enough you will be seeing dollar signs. Was that too harsh?

The Best You Could Do Was B-man?

The Free Times stops has finally stopped writing about Panic at the Disco! and instead serves up a piece on Bob Peck, a Cleveland graffiti artist who has been able to turn his passion into a career. Now if only someone would pay me to make bad jokes.

The Free Times: Paying Someone to Make Bad Jokes

So this guy is given the opportunity to write an article about horrible ways to die, and instead of churning up some Dane Cook level shit like drowning and the only way you can surface is if you come up through fire, the guy talks about not wanting wear shorts at an amusement park, eating fish, or dancing. Ugh, ugh, ugh. Then, just when you can’t take it anymore the best joke comes, “This a summer rerun. (Eric is alive, but he’s felt better.) It first appeared July 24, 1996.” Yeah, not only do The Free Times publish shit, they re-publish it.

Deer Decoy Deals Out Devious Damage

It’s early and for some reason alliteration seems really funny. What isn’t so funny is that three teens in Kenton stole a deer decoy, placed it on a road to watch motorists swerve around it, and caused an accident that seriously injured two other teens. Couple that with the fact that the court isn’t making the teens serve any sort of term until football season is over and you should be laughing your ass off. Justice is blind to everything, except small town high school sports.

French For  “Food For People Who Go To Bed Late.”

Everyone knew that’s what Alimentation Couche-Tard meant right? Well besides rhyming with a certain hygienic product this Canadian company just bought 54 gas stations and convenience stores in the Akron-Canton area. Anyone got a good Canadian joke?

Let’s End With a Little Trash Talking

Ok, so at first I was like, “What the hell!?!” cause I thought The Scene was doing an article on Hawthorne Heights, a shitty band who hasn’t done shit in months, then I realized they were discussing a story that is only a few weeks old about them suing Victory Records. I guess I shouldn’t really complain about the whole timeliness thing considering that seeing Victory Records in any sort of trouble is always funny.

Cleveland Music That Doesn’t Suck

Punknews has a show review of Cleveland’s own Aloha that is adorned with a perfect ten. Check it out and feel free to respond with kudos, heckling, or an all around non sequitur.

Grumpy Old Man

Current Rock Hall feature Bob Dylan gives his two cents yet again. This time he rails against contemporary music, calling it “atrocious” and saying that everything done in the past 20 years sucks, including his own material. Then just when you think the guy can’t get any more old-man-talking-about-walking-ten-miles-to-school-in-the-snow, he says that CDs are horrible because they are “small” and have “no stature.” Right… whatever you say, Bob.

Betty Crocker Gets All Hipster

A new Betty Crocker cookbook that is packed with meatless recipes is hitting the shelves, and don’t worry, this isn’t simply a veggies, bread, and pasta kind of thing, everyone’s favorite family recipes are now kicked up a notch with Moroccan, Mediterranean, Oriental, and Indian flavors. I can’t believe I just said ”kicked up a notch.”

Wha’ Happened?

There was some miscommunication around the MFC offices yesterday, you know water cooler chat taken as mere playfulness when in reality it’s serious, baby. Well the end result was a lack of updates on our part, thus we apologize and resume or regularly scheduled sarcasm today. Also, in Denny’s absence we have failed to update the TONIGHT! column on the right side of the page even once. I would apologize for that too, but seriously, just click on the events calendar you lazy bastards.

The Black Eyed Peas Are Not Corporate Whores, Walmart is

The Wake Up Walmart campaign stopped in Ohio recently with the intent of rousing college students against the deviously run corporate giant. Funny thing is the kids on the tour show up in a fancy bus, used to work for politicians, and blare Black Eyed Peas before showing off their “sexy” multimedia presentation in conference rooms. Talk about grassroots.

Billy Shakespeare Closes In On Ten

Cleveland’s 9th annual Shakespeare festival (no, not thatShakespeare) concluded this weekend, so The Free Times takes a look at the event in a vernacular that seems like it would be more at home in The Globe. Can you say convoluted?

Boo Hoo, I’m Rich and Famous

What do the Beatles, Garth Brooks, Led Zeppelin, Radiohead, and Kid Rock all have in common? Well besides that fact that they are filthy stinking rich, they refuse to put their music on iTunes because they feel it does not yield a big enough profit. Does anyone else remember that South Park episode where Lars from Metallica is pissed because he can’t buy a second pool for his mansion? Yeah, even those guys broke down and did it, stop whining and start selling online.

Is W Bashing Like, Even Cool Anymore?

Apparently The Plain Dealer thinks so, and so they bring us an article detailing George’s strange resemblance to a Valley Girl. Besides being rich, spoiled, and stupid, GW also enjoys using the word “like,” and I mean, like, it wouldn’t be such a big deal and all, but the guy is like, the president.

Upon rolling out of bed this morning at 11:30 I, Andy, discovered a note written in 5th grade chicken scratch on the back of an envelope that read something to the effect of: “I’m too busy to do the news today, you do it.” I shall do my best to fill the shoes of Matt, but that asshole has some big feet.

Rich People Want Better Seats at Cavs Games

Apparantely the luxury loges at Gund Ar… excuse me, the Q, aren’t good enough, and the owners of the stadium are proposing a $30 million dollar renovation. Rather than drop the cash themselves, they are hoping the fair tax payers could foot the bill. Oh, and I guess they want to see Bon Jovi better next time he performs in Cleveland.

Scientific Study Once Again Startles the Masses

Turns out that rich suburbs have better students. 20 points the first person who can draw the tough corrolation that causes this unexplained phenomenon. The Plain Dealer sure is pushing the boundary on that study. I’m personally amazed by two things: A) the fact that the second time they attempted to spell “continuous,” they did so incorrectly, and B) Lorain. Eat that Dave Evans!

And That’s All I Got!

There are shows, lots of shows, this weekend, including Guitar Angle at the R Bar on Mayfield. There are 4 shows tonight. Check the events calendar.

Country Cred Killer

The Plain Dealer’s gossip page (yes there is one with hot news on Justin Timberlake too!!) tells of how country singer Troy Gentry of Montgomery Gentry recently purchased a tame black bear, made a film of himself “hunting” it, and then killed the bear with a bow and arrow while it was still in its cage. What a man, too bad this article is tainted by a mock country song and jokes so bad you’ll vomit, just a little.

Get In The Van

The Plain Dealer gets down and dirty with the details about touring in a van. Yeah, they interview some cheese master bands like “hard-rock band” Badd Intent, but they also score some quotes from This Moment in Black History and The Lovekill. Kudos on not writing another article about saying “weee” while riding a bike.

Jokes About Eating Paint Chips Just Lost All Of Their Humor

The Scene details lead poisoning in Cleveland, Sherwin-Williams neglect, and the kids who are currently suffering.

Reality TV: Still Alive and Kicking

The Plain Dealer tries to wrap its mind around the fact that Reality TV has neither died nor flourished on network television. Donahue, is that you?

Insert Van Halen Song Title Here

Local B-movie queen wannabe, Brenna Lee Roth claims to be the love child of former Van Halen front man David Lee Roth, and this is apparently reason enough for the Free Times to interview her. Apparently Dave isn’t just into California girls.

Get A Load Of This

We just posted a new review, and in case you haven’t already noticed we now have a new movies section where will be adding more short films for you to ogle soon, perverts.

Cleveland Exodus Continues

Cleveland’s population continues to dwindle as census figures now suggest that by next July the population could drop to below 400,000, the lowest it has been since 1900. ”The devil’s in the details,” said Robert Layton, a federal planner in Cleveland. Why is everyone always so quick to blame Satan?

Mars Volta Pissed Off Stage

It was so hard to pick just one bad pun for this headline, but alas. Pitchfork dishes out details on The Mars Volta ending their set early (30 minutes in, which in shitty post-ATDI wank rock means about 1 song) because urine was being thrown on stage. Apparently those guys aren’t down with golden showers.

Cross-Promotion Goes Comic

The Plain Dealer reports (make sure to check out the guaranteed comic fanboy photo) that novelist and comic book writer Brad Meltzer is dropping a preview of his new novel in Justice League of America #1, a comic he also penned.

A Lazy Web-Editor

I was supposed to be interviewing my friend George, who is taking part in a study in which he must lay down for three months. Sound crazy? It is. Here are two of his blogs. The first is something he is doing for McSweeny’s website. It is really well written. The second is a blog he shares with another girl in the study, which includes a video of how George exercises. Read up! Contact George. He loves playing scrabble online, and I will bet that he will annihilate you.

Cleveland Hip-Hop That Ain’t Your Average Homeboy

The Plain Dealer shows just how hip-hop savvy they are by referring to Mos Def and Method Man as old school. Oh, and they reported on some group called Ill Disciples planning to record an EP. Do rappers make EPs?

I Didn’t Even Read The Articles

Hopefully no one has tired of our Plain Dealer columnist photo bashing yet, cause yeah, we’ve got two more. I jut can’t decide whether this smiles screams goofball or serial killer. Meanwhile this guy was asked to strike the pose he uses at bars after asking a girl if she is wearing space pants. 

the death set!
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videohippos
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