MyFriendCleveland

Plain Dealer Gets Sexy

The PD seems a bit inspired by the opening of the Sex and the City movie this Friday. First, style columnist Kim Crow waxes philosophical on the gals wardrobes, going so far as to state that the clothes themselves were characters. We get breakdowns on what each of the four women’s tastes in clothes meant, too bad the writing here can’t rival Carrie’s own. Did I just make a Sex and the City reference? Weird. Anyway, even Food and Restaurant editor Joe Crea (who claims he has own seen 1/3 of one episode of the show) jumps on the bandwagon by offering up cocktail recipes named after the characters, as well as the theory that the show helped increase the popularity of cocktails in the US. Anybody want to mix up a batch of these badboys and then head on over to the premiere? I’m not even sure if I’m joking.

Speaking of Sexy…

…nothing says “hot” like a man exposing himself. Right? Okay, maybe a few other things do, but that is not what truck driver Daniel Walker thinks. A few days back Walker drove up to a woman in Chagrin Falls, asked her for directions, and then when she approached his vehicle, let the snake out of the cage. Luckily the woman was able to get a few numbers off the license plate, despite being blinded by the experience, and police were able to get in touch with Walker. He eventually turned himself in but denied exposing himself. It’s at a time like this that I am reminded of a Blink-182 lyric, “And in my town, you can’t drive naked.” So elegant, so appropriate.

That’s Southern Ohio For You

What’s a good way to make sure emergency procedures and disaster communications are working properly? How about sending automated messages to hundreds of parents telling them that there has been an explosion at their child’s school? Apparently the Mason School District thought that was a good idea. After informing parents last week that there would be a “disaster drill” on Tuesday, but not mentioning which school it would happen at (ah, details) the district sent out automated messages talking about an explosion. Of course parents freaked out and headed over to the school only to discover it was still standing. Smooth move, guys.

Blood For Oil!! Willingly!!!

Thanks to high gas prices plasma banks have been booming. Fox swung by ZLB Plasma Services in Cleveland where they chatted with a few folks about exchanging some plasma for cash. Your first four trips will yield $40 a pop and then decrease after that. Many people are regulars now, using the two-time-a-week limit to help pay for their gas. Looks like I just found a new job. The pay isn’t great, but the hours are fantastic!

Watta Y’all Doin to my Bears?

This morning in Copley Township authorities removed eight bears from an “exotic animal farm,” which is different from a regular farm because all the animals are topless. Volunteers from the Rocky Mountain Wildlife Conservation Center were using marshmallows and donuts to lure the bears to trailers. Of course this hasn’t been easy because of the fact that cops present on the scene have also starting chasing after the donuts. Zing! The L&L Exotic Animal Farm is almost thirty years old, but has had numerous problems in the past few years over animal care and licensing to exhibit animals. What? Are you still mad about the cop joke? Just think about the bears, they’re probably cute.

I Was Just Investigating Some Photos…

A Woodmere police officer who was accused of scoping porn at work two times in the past two years is still on the force. Masai Brown not only viewed porn while at work, but was also featured in some of the pictures found on the computer, and has posed in his uniform for a sex site. In 2005 Brown was suspended for a month after it was discovered that he was looking at porn at work, but his most recent foray into nudie pics has seen no punishment. The higher ups insist that if it was gay porn, or those topless bears at that exotic farm, dude would have been gone a long time again. Man, I’m on a roll.

And in More Pressing News…

… Olmsted Falls is hosting a 24 hour teeter-totter marathon. Between Saturday and Sunday at noon students from Olmsted Falls High School will rock the totter for a three hour set before passing it on to other students. The marathon will raise money for the Berea Children’s Home and Family Services Cradle of Caring Program. Sorry, don’t think I can work naked bear jokes into this one. There’s just not much to work with.

There are Certain Things I’d Rather Not Remember…

Beachwood resident Rick Baron is one of only 3 people identified with the rare gift of never forgetting, anything, ever. Well almost. If given a date Rick can recall with startlingly clarity what happened on that day. From school photos, to bad dates, the PD puts Rick to the test. Rick is currently being studied at The University of California. No word yet on how his memory holds up after a 12-pack, but he’s at a college, so we should know soon. Man, you’d probably feel like a real asshole if you forgot his name after meeting him.

Most Boring Ban of All Time?

Cleveland couple Brenda and Gerald Moran have been banned from Royal Caribbean Cruises for life. Sound interesting? Scandalous, even? Well it’s not. The couple, who have been taking one or two Royal Caribbean cruises for the past three years, were banned because of their constant complaining. It seems that after every cruise the couple would report their disappointing experience at a cruise review site known as cruisecritic.com. Royal Caribbean offered the couple numerous perks on each subsequent cruise, but still received complaints. Finally Royal Caribbean dropped this, “Having concluded that we are unable to meet the expectations of the Moran’s, we have told them that they would be best served by sailing with another company.” Here’s a question, how many times do you go back to a restaurant you were disappointed with? How many times do you re-purchase a product you know sucks? Probably zero and cruises cost a lot more than dinner or a pair of shoes. So why keep going on cruises you know you won’t like? Could it be simply so you can complain and get free shit? Looks like that backfired. But hey, I’m not one to complain.

Fox Out Does Themselves Today!!

Where to start… Let’s see, a 33-year-old Lakewood man who was already indicted for his plots to blow up two high schools, plots he was working on with a 16-year-old, is now also being charged with owning kiddie porn after the cops hit up his computer. What an asshole. Meanwhile Fox goes the “Who’d a thunk?” route with a story on Canton arresting people who don’t cut their lawns. What a surprise. Also, those of you waiting on your heroin order, don’t hold your breath. It seems the FBI discovered flights going from Cali to Cleveland were packed full of the drug and busted three men involved in the transport. What a high. Still, those guys didn’t do anything half as evil or devastating as some choir nerds at Willoughby South High School who sprayed their director with silly string at the close of a performance. What a tragedy.